National will abolish meal breaks. Lunch is the worst offender. Lunch is bad for business. Employers are held hostage by lunch. It is surely no exaggeration to say that lunch will be the death of us all.
National has identified two specific problems with the concept of lunch and proposes two innovative solutions. Neither require the use of commas.
The first problem is the term "lunch hour". National recommends the term "lunch minute".
I will now demonstrate that a sandwich can be eaten quickly. There is still time for a nice hot cup of tea. Two quick sips ought to do it. Ow. God almighty. My throat. It might not hurt to blow on it first and let it cool but that takes time, in which case save the sandwich for later.
The second problem is the timing of lunch. National recommends the middle of the night.
I will now demonstrate that a sandwich can be eaten while asleep. A nice hot cup of tea might also be possible. Ow. God almighty. My face. It would not hurt to have a number for the burns unit at close reach but, in the meantime, it might be best to consider drinking a nice stone-cold cup of tea.
Further detail will be made available when I address employers at a business lunch.
Border patrol. Lunch high-risk.
Air Commodore Darryn Webb
1205 hours. I was shuffling along in the line at the canteen, filling my tray with Trident instant pho beef rice noodles, Mexicano tasty salsa-flavoured corn chips, a mini packet of Fun Sticks, a Milk Chocolate Calci Yum, a Cookie Time Triple Chocolate and a nice hot cup of tea and had got to the register and was
just about to pay with my RNZAF discount card when the tray was suddenly ripped out of my hands and thrown violently on to the floor.
Consignment of Cookie Time biscuits untested. Potential hazard.
Air Commodore Darryn Webb
1213 hours. Shuffled along in the line at the canteen again and filled my tray with Trident instant pho beef rice noodles, Mexicano tasty salsa-flavoured corn chips, a mini packet of Fun Sticks, a Milk Chocolate Calci Yum and a nice hot cup of tea.
Let me be perfectly clear. It's important that when we meet for lunch under lockdown level 2, we must observe that gatherings are restricted to 10 people in Auckland and that a 1m social distancing applies to the rest of New Zealand in cafes and restaurants.
But that's no reason we can't all have fun! A sparsely populated cafe with everyone at pains to sit apart while the owner cries into their empty cash register and lays off the waiting staff, the dish washer, the cook, as the economy goes down the gurgler, faster and faster thanks to extended lockdowns due to community transmissions, which may or may not be caused by failures to test for the virus at the border - although we most certainly will not stand for any questions about that from the likes of Michael Morrah – what's not to like? Look at the happy smile on my face! Yay!
But we must stop the spread of the virus. Look at the sad frown on my face. Aw.
Now look at me in a face mask! Hi there! You can still hear me talk and that's the main thing. But I can do other things too. I will now demonstrate eating a sandwich while wearing a face mask! You just sort of slip it in at the side of your mask like so and mmfg shlk isht flgmt, gulp.
And now for a nice hot cup of tea. Does anyone have a straw?