OPINION:
MONDAY
Dreamed last night that I was being interviewed by Jack Tame.
My head shone like the sun. He had a full beard and his hair was down to his waist. I stood up and he sat down, yet he was taller than me. His voice was a beautiful
Steve Braunias: The Secret Diary of Christopher Luxon
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He asked, "What shoe do you put on first in the morning? The left, or the right?"
I said, "Well look Jack I think we all benefit from wearing shoes. It grounds us, and at the same time we feel elevated. I myself wore shoes every day that I ran a national airline and I made sure the pilots did, too. Together we were a team that achieved great success, and we did it by pulling up our socks."
He began to shrink, his hair fell out, and so did his teeth. He had met his match.
TUESDAY
Dreamed last night that I was being interviewed by Moana Maniopoto.
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My head gleamed like a freshly washed dish. Her long. beautiful hair cascaded down her shoulders in dark ringlets that were a testimony to the strengthening powers of good shampoo and conditioner. Also, her skin was quite tanned.
She asked, "What is in Te Tiriti?"
I said, "Well look what I want to say about that Moana is that I actually met a Māori once. We got on very well and I remember saying, 'We want an inclusive New Zealand, we are a country that should be very very proud of our bicultural traditions but we're also a modern multicultural country that has to look forward and go out in the world as well.' I don't remember what they said to that."
She disappeared completely. It was another slam-dunk performance from yours truly.
WEDNESDAY
Dreamed last that I was being interviewed by Tova O'Brien.
She was taller even than Jack Tame and her skin was even darker than Moana Maniopoto. As for her hair, she styled it into an Afro. It had a comb in it and I could see the handle of a brush. My head had blue chalk on it from when I took it off my shoulders and played snooker with it.
She asked, "Yo, slaphead! How much did you earn as CEO at Air New Zealand?"
I said, "Well look that's not relevant Tova but what I can exclusively reveal to you is that when we come to the election we will have a comprehensive fiscal-coated plan. Right now that fiscal-coated plan is a bit light on the plan, the coat, and the fiscal, but in all other respects it's good to go and has an inspiring message for ordinary Kiwis earning over $380,000."
The brush fell out of her Afro. She won't be back in a hurry.
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THURSDAY
A posse of advisers called for an emergency session in media training. They said I was being made to look out of my depth, out to lunch, and generally sort of like totally out of it. I just laughed, and told them not to bother, that I could handle interviewers in my sleep.
FRIDAY
Dreamed that I was being interviewed by Kim Hill.
Woke up screaming.
