She's sorry, oh so very sorry

By GRAHAM REID

An elderly man, a homemaker and a former member of the pop group BlueTruss were among the startled pedestrians in Mt Roskill yesterday who received unexpected apologies from Prime Minister Helen Clark.

Back from Samoa, where she apologised for previous New Zealand Governments' administration of the territory last century, Helen Clark insisted her driver stop in the Mt Roskill shopping centre, where she proceeded to apologise to passers-by.

Referring to her apologies to the Chinese community and to gays and lesbians, Helen Clark said she felt she was riding a wave of apologies, "a tsunami of sorries, if you like".

"Some people might be cynical and say it's an election year - but the fact is once you start saying sorry you just can't stop.

"We can't just keep putting things behind us and move on, although now that I think about it, that's what I have been saying about most things that have happened under the Labour Government.

"But now it's time to look behind us and to start taking responsibility for problems that are not of our own making. And apologising.

"I recommend it to everyone."

Ray Crackham, a 25-year-old cycle courier, was the first to attract Helen Clark's attention.

"I was just about to scoot through the red when she stepped off the kerb," said Crackham.

"I almost bowled her over but before I could get a word out she started apologising for the weather - it was drizzling - and saying her Government would accept full responsibility for all previous courier accidents which could be attributed to inclement weather. As long as it didn't cost them anything.

"She seemed a nice enough lady and I'll probably still vote for her, but she's also a fruitloop, if you ask me."

As Helen Clark made her way through bewildered lunchtime shoppers she variously apologised for Marian Hobbs, Jim Hickey's new television show, the military build-up along the southeast coast of China, car alarms that go off in the night, and restaurateur Leo Molloy.

Mrs Nancy Perkins was pushing her twins past VideoEzy when she was stopped by Helen Clark, who "apologised for bank charges, child brides in Thailand and something about a guy called Wayne Mowatt whom I've never heard of. Rugby player, is he?"

Spotting former BlueTruss popstar Erika Takeaway, the PM rushed to embrace her and apologise for all the great New Zealand music which has been made recently "because it must have made you girls in BlueTruss feel embarrassed by your own meagre efforts".

"I didn't know whether to be offended or grateful," said Takeaway.

"She asked me how my career was going but then just went off on a tangent about the need for us all to say sorry to the elderly.

"That's when she grabbed that poor old man and started shaking him. It was scary."

Pensioner Bert Atkins said he was considering bringing assault charges but then he'd been told who the mystery apologist was.

"I can't go home and face Mum just yet otherwise she'll just get upset too when I tell her all these things we have to feel bad about.

I mean, remote control units because they deprive us of exercise? Mum couldn't live without the remote."

After apologies, for brown suede jackets, Ashburton, the own-goal by American soccer star Jeff Agoos, and the Crimean War, Helen Clark got back in her car, leaving shoppers and shopkeepers baffled .