NZ Herald
  • Home
  • Latest news
  • Video
  • New Zealand
  • Sport
  • World
  • Business
  • Entertainment
  • Podcasts
  • Quizzes
  • Opinion
  • Lifestyle
  • Travel
  • Viva
  • Weather forecasts

Subscriptions

  • Herald Premium
  • Viva Premium
  • The Listener
  • BusinessDesk

Sections

  • Latest news
  • New Zealand
    • All New Zealand
    • Crime
    • Politics
    • Education
    • Open Justice
    • Scam Update
    • The Great NZ Road Trip
  • On The Up
  • World
    • All World
    • Australia
    • Asia
    • UK
    • United States
    • Middle East
    • Europe
    • Pacific
  • Business
    • All Business
    • MarketsSharesCurrencyCommoditiesStock TakesCrypto
    • Markets with Madison
    • Media Insider
    • Business analysis
    • Personal financeKiwiSaverInterest ratesTaxInvestment
    • EconomyInflationGDPOfficial cash rateEmployment
    • Small business
    • Business reportsMood of the BoardroomProject AucklandSustainable business and financeCapital markets reportAgribusiness reportInfrastructure reportDynamic business
    • Deloitte Top 200 Awards
    • CompaniesAged CareAgribusinessAirlinesBanking and financeConstructionEnergyFreight and logisticsHealthcareManufacturingMedia and MarketingRetailTelecommunicationsTourism
  • Opinion
    • All Opinion
    • Analysis
    • Editorials
    • Business analysis
    • Premium opinion
    • Letters to the editor
  • Sport
    • All Sport
    • OlympicsParalympics
    • RugbySuper RugbyNPCAll BlacksBlack FernsRugby sevensSchool rugby
    • CricketBlack CapsWhite Ferns
    • Racing
    • NetballSilver Ferns
    • LeagueWarriorsNRL
    • FootballWellington PhoenixAuckland FCAll WhitesFootball FernsEnglish Premier League
    • GolfNZ Open
    • MotorsportFormula 1
    • Boxing
    • UFC
    • BasketballNBABreakersTall BlacksTall Ferns
    • Tennis
    • Cycling
    • Athletics
    • SailingAmerica's CupSailGP
    • Rowing
  • Lifestyle
    • All Lifestyle
    • Viva - Food, fashion & beauty
    • Society Insider
    • Royals
    • Sex & relationships
    • Food & drinkRecipesRecipe collectionsRestaurant reviewsRestaurant bookings
    • Health & wellbeing
    • Fashion & beauty
    • Pets & animals
    • The Selection - Shop the trendsShop fashionShop beautyShop entertainmentShop giftsShop home & living
    • Milford's Investing Place
  • Entertainment
    • All Entertainment
    • TV
    • MoviesMovie reviews
    • MusicMusic reviews
    • BooksBook reviews
    • Culture
    • ReviewsBook reviewsMovie reviewsMusic reviewsRestaurant reviews
  • Travel
    • All Travel
    • News
    • New ZealandNorthlandAucklandWellingtonCanterburyOtago / QueenstownNelson-TasmanBest NZ beaches
    • International travelAustraliaPacific IslandsEuropeUKUSAAfricaAsia
    • Rail holidays
    • Cruise holidays
    • Ski holidays
    • Luxury travel
    • Adventure travel
  • Kāhu Māori news
  • Environment
    • All Environment
    • Our Green Future
  • Talanoa Pacific news
  • Property
    • All Property
    • Property Insider
    • Interest rates tracker
    • Residential property listings
    • Commercial property listings
  • Health
  • Technology
    • All Technology
    • AI
    • Social media
  • Rural
    • All Rural
    • Dairy farming
    • Sheep & beef farming
    • Horticulture
    • Animal health
    • Rural business
    • Rural life
    • Rural technology
    • Opinion
    • Audio & podcasts
  • Weather forecasts
    • All Weather forecasts
    • Kaitaia
    • Whangārei
    • Dargaville
    • Auckland
    • Thames
    • Tauranga
    • Hamilton
    • Whakatāne
    • Rotorua
    • Tokoroa
    • Te Kuiti
    • Taumaranui
    • Taupō
    • Gisborne
    • New Plymouth
    • Napier
    • Hastings
    • Dannevirke
    • Whanganui
    • Palmerston North
    • Levin
    • Paraparaumu
    • Masterton
    • Wellington
    • Motueka
    • Nelson
    • Blenheim
    • Westport
    • Reefton
    • Kaikōura
    • Greymouth
    • Hokitika
    • Christchurch
    • Ashburton
    • Timaru
    • Wānaka
    • Oamaru
    • Queenstown
    • Dunedin
    • Gore
    • Invercargill
  • Meet the journalists
  • Promotions & competitions
  • OneRoof property listings
  • Driven car news

Puzzles & Quizzes

  • Puzzles
    • All Puzzles
    • Sudoku
    • Code Cracker
    • Crosswords
    • Cryptic crossword
    • Wordsearch
  • Quizzes
    • All Quizzes
    • Morning quiz
    • Afternoon quiz
    • Sports quiz

Regions

  • Northland
    • All Northland
    • Far North
    • Kaitaia
    • Kerikeri
    • Kaikohe
    • Bay of Islands
    • Whangarei
    • Dargaville
    • Kaipara
    • Mangawhai
  • Auckland
  • Waikato
    • All Waikato
    • Hamilton
    • Coromandel & Hauraki
    • Matamata & Piako
    • Cambridge
    • Te Awamutu
    • Tokoroa & South Waikato
    • Taupō & Tūrangi
  • Bay of Plenty
    • All Bay of Plenty
    • Katikati
    • Tauranga
    • Mount Maunganui
    • Pāpāmoa
    • Te Puke
    • Whakatāne
  • Rotorua
  • Hawke's Bay
    • All Hawke's Bay
    • Napier
    • Hastings
    • Havelock North
    • Central Hawke's Bay
    • Wairoa
  • Taranaki
    • All Taranaki
    • Stratford
    • New Plymouth
    • Hāwera
  • Manawatū - Whanganui
    • All Manawatū - Whanganui
    • Whanganui
    • Palmerston North
    • Manawatū
    • Tararua
    • Horowhenua
  • Wellington
    • All Wellington
    • Kapiti
    • Wairarapa
    • Upper Hutt
    • Lower Hutt
  • Nelson & Tasman
    • All Nelson & Tasman
    • Motueka
    • Nelson
    • Tasman
  • Marlborough
  • West Coast
  • Canterbury
    • All Canterbury
    • Kaikōura
    • Christchurch
    • Ashburton
    • Timaru
  • Otago
    • All Otago
    • Oamaru
    • Dunedin
    • Balclutha
    • Alexandra
    • Queenstown
    • Wanaka
  • Southland
    • All Southland
    • Invercargill
    • Gore
    • Stewart Island
  • Gisborne

Media

  • Video
    • All Video
    • NZ news video
    • Business news video
    • Politics news video
    • Sport video
    • World news video
    • Lifestyle video
    • Entertainment video
    • Travel video
    • Markets with Madison
    • Kea Kids news
  • Podcasts
    • All Podcasts
    • The Front Page
    • On the Tiles
    • Ask me Anything
    • The Little Things
    • Cooking the Books
  • Cartoons
  • Photo galleries
  • Today's Paper - E-editions
  • Photo sales
  • Classifieds

NZME Network

  • Advertise with NZME
  • OneRoof
  • Driven Car Guide
  • BusinessDesk
  • Newstalk ZB
  • What the Actual
  • Sunlive
  • ZM
  • The Hits
  • Coast
  • Radio Hauraki
  • The Alternative Commentary Collective
  • Gold
  • Flava
  • iHeart Radio
  • Hokonui
  • Radio Wanaka
  • iHeartCountry New Zealand
  • Restaurant Hub
  • NZME Events

SubscribeSign In
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Home / Politics

Why I think ponytailgate is nonsense

NZ Herald
27 Apr, 2015 09:31 PM4 mins to read

Subscribe to listen

Access to Herald Premium articles require a Premium subscription. Subscribe now to listen.
Already a subscriber?  Sign in here

Listening to articles is free for open-access content—explore other articles or learn more about text-to-speech.
‌
Save

    Share this article

Prime Minister John Key. Photo / NZME.

Prime Minister John Key. Photo / NZME.

Opinion by

News broke that the Prime Minister, presumably exercising a perk of office, had seemingly hurled a coffee-shop waitress to the floor, then not once but twice, and regardless of his accompanying wife's feelings let alone those of the other patrons, their children, two sensitive pet dogs and a wheel-chaired granny, violently had his way with her. Then emerging triumphantly from under the table wearing her knickers on his head, he'd searched around for fresh victims, before launching salivating and naked into the street in a quest for fresh flesh to commit his vile corruptions on. At that point I made two predictions.

First, that within the hour, that groaning giveaway of journalistic shoal fish mediocrity would emerge, namely the appendix "gate". Sure enough, exactly 38 minutes later, the Stuff (Fairfax) website kicked off with the first "ponygate", the others all duly lapdogging along thereafter. My second prediction was that the expected flow of contrived outrage from middle-age women (older ladies are more sensible), perpetual offence seekers, would bear a direct co-relationship in their venom with the authors' ugliness. By God I scored a bullseye with that one.

Ponytails, which I'm a fan of, have been tugged by males since they were invented by the third century BC Macedonian poet Samus, who wrote lyrically and at length on the desirability of pulling them. Doubtless you already know that. Come to think of it, having an interest in the classics, I dutifully give my 7-year-old daughter's ponytail the occasional tug. That incestuous confession should excite diverse madwomen from the Human Rights mob, Children's Commission and Women's Affairs, all utterly unnecessary agencies which greatly irritate everyone at the long-suffering taxpayer's expense.

By an extraordinary coincidence, when this preposterous and infantile beat-up began, I was halfway through reading, probably for the 30th time, Evelyn Waugh's Scoop, published over 80 years ago. This wonderful comic novel thereafter became known as the journalists' bible, although nowadays few journalists under 35 would have heard of it, or for that matter know what it is if you waved it in front of them. "It's called a book, Bill." "Aw yeah, I've heard about them" would be a likely dialogue based on my experience.

Scoop, as many of you will know, sends up gloriously the news creation activities of journalists, and in particular their ability to actually make their fictitious accounts a reality through repetition. Politicians are particularly vulnerable. Nothing has changed since Waugh penned this classic, thus Scoop-wise, I followed events as they unravelled, regarding the John-Key-vicious-attack-on-an-innocent-virgin story.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

To kick off my study, the following morning I tuned in to the TV shows, a torturous experience with TV One offering a giggly girl and a bland host. This proved too much to bear, waiting for them to get on with their PM's-appalling-serial-sexual-activities discussion, so I switched to Paul Henry. Lo and behold, just in time, as he had Judith Collins and Annette King there to discuss Key's sexual gluttony.

They're politicians and understandably grab any television opportunity, but both women simply couldn't deliver what was plainly wanted. Judith, possibly secretly gleeful at Key's troubles, nevertheless had enough integrity to merely frown a bit. Annette, as a senior Opposition leader who's been round the block a few million laps, tried and failed to express indignation, for she doubtless has suffered dozens of media beat-ups and knows them when she sees them. Meanwhile, Key, presumably unsated, had left for abroad, probably seeking more exotic victims to exercise his lust on.

More bandwagon predictability followed in the form of the poor man's Gareth Morgan, the attention-seeking convicted fraudster, blackmailer, and bankrupt Graham McCready, who announced his intentions to file a criminal suit against Key. In justification, he declared he had years of being bullied at school and in the marketplace. My word, that's a surprise. I wonder why.

In the interim, to keep this corpse of a story afloat, journalists scoured for comment. In due course we'll hear opinions from the Pope, the Mayor of Stratford, the national under-21 women's darts champion and God knows who else.

I ripped into a journo who called over another matter regarding this absurdity. "The world's press has run it," he bleated. Of course they have; they're journalists, always happy to join in the fun.

Discover more

Opinion

Bob Jones: All that red tape's tying us in knots

30 Mar 09:46 PM
Opinion

Bob Jones: Enrich poor with home ownership

06 Apr 11:35 PM
Opinion

Bob Jones: Sick of nanny state? Well say hello to a nappy one

13 Apr 09:31 PM
New Zealand|politics

Ponytail waitress considers legal action

29 Apr 02:13 AM

I spoke to dozens of people about this matter and, confirming my suspicion, the response was uniform, namely contempt for the media for flogging this non-story. Newspapers and television, in the face of the technological assault, are fighting for survival. They did themselves no favours with this nonsense. Shame on them.

Save

    Share this article

Latest from Politics

Politics

'Unacceptable': Another blistering report blasts Oranga Tamariki practices

15 May 02:35 AM
Politics

Brooke van Velden responds to criticism from Wintson Peters

Politics

'Big distraction': Hipkins admits question that led to c-bomb was 'mistake'

15 May 02:26 AM

Connected workers are safer workers 

sponsored
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

Latest from Politics

'Unacceptable': Another blistering report blasts Oranga Tamariki practices

'Unacceptable': Another blistering report blasts Oranga Tamariki practices

15 May 02:35 AM

'The effects of decisions on children and their families are still not known.'

Brooke van Velden responds to criticism from Wintson Peters

Brooke van Velden responds to criticism from Wintson Peters

'Big distraction': Hipkins admits question that led to c-bomb was 'mistake'

'Big distraction': Hipkins admits question that led to c-bomb was 'mistake'

15 May 02:26 AM
Union accuses minister of ‘passing the buck’ on pay equity changes

Union accuses minister of ‘passing the buck’ on pay equity changes

15 May 01:39 AM
The Hire A Hubby hero turning handyman stereotypes on their head
sponsored

The Hire A Hubby hero turning handyman stereotypes on their head

NZ Herald
  • About NZ Herald
  • Meet the journalists
  • Newsletters
  • Classifieds
  • Help & support
  • Contact us
  • House rules
  • Privacy Policy
  • Terms of use
  • Competition terms & conditions
  • Our use of AI
Subscriber Services
  • NZ Herald e-editions
  • Daily puzzles & quizzes
  • Manage your digital subscription
  • Manage your print subscription
  • Subscribe to the NZ Herald newspaper
  • Subscribe to Herald Premium
  • Gift a subscription
  • Subscriber FAQs
  • Subscription terms & conditions
  • Promotions and subscriber benefits
NZME Network
  • The New Zealand Herald
  • The Northland Age
  • The Northern Advocate
  • Waikato Herald
  • Bay of Plenty Times
  • Rotorua Daily Post
  • Hawke's Bay Today
  • Whanganui Chronicle
  • Viva
  • NZ Listener
  • What the Actual
  • Newstalk ZB
  • BusinessDesk
  • OneRoof
  • Driven CarGuide
  • iHeart Radio
  • Restaurant Hub
NZME
  • About NZME
  • NZME careers
  • Advertise with NZME
  • Digital self-service advertising
  • Book your classified ad
  • Photo sales
  • NZME Events
  • © Copyright 2025 NZME Publishing Limited
TOP