Jacinda Ardern's the new leader of Labour. Some males in the media have been caught by surprise. Their questions to her, have shamefully revealed the extent of the patriarchy.

Not me. If I were to interview Jacinda Ardern, here's how it would go.

I've only provided my side of the conversation, to manstruct the media on how it's meant to be done, in 2017, August, shortly after a female lady of the fairer half - not that I notice gender - has been chosen by a political party to lead, at the harvestable age of 37.

"Welcome to the show, Jacinda. Oh, that's such a pretty name. Now, we're just going to attach a microphone to your lapel. Can we do a quick soundcheck? Just talk a bit please - tell us what you had for breakfast. Did you have eggs? How did you have your eggs? Frozen?" (Pause as if waiting for an answer. When she starts to speak, talk over her.)


"OK, audio levels seem fine. Thanks. Actually, there's a bit of a sound coming through. Is that your clock ticking? Haha, just kidding. Kidding. Get it? Kid-ding? I'm referring to kids. That's another word for children."

"So, let's get down to the interview. You're the new leader of Labour. Would you prefer to be called the Leadress or Leadrix?"

"Next question. I know it's not gallant to mention a woman's age, Jacinda darling, but a little bird tells me you're closer to naughty 40 than flirty 30. To be precise, you've just turned thirty-something. I probably shouldn't say. It's getting up there, though. Let's just say you're old enough to be Lorde's mum. How much is 37 in man years? Sixty? Seventy?" (Wait for emotional response.)

"Obviously the election's in a few weeks, or as you ladies would call it, half a trimester. You're offering New Zealand three years of Labour. Three years of Labour. Goodness, do you think that's something pregnant women want to contemplate? Three hours of labour is enough, don't you think?"

"If you get elected, do you think it's acceptable for the prime minister to give birth in the debating chamber of Parliament? Would it make a difference if you were expecting a boy or a girl? And if you give birth in Parliament - congratulations, by the way - would you do it under urgency?"

"What point of your menstrual cycle are you in, today?"
"Who are you wearing today?"
"What colour and style of underwear have you got on?"

"When you engage in, shall we say, marital coalition, do you participate with the goal of family expansion, or is this sacred feminine duty merely a form of weekend recreation to you? Weekday? Morning or evening?"

"When are you due?"
"As prime minister, do you intend to cook in Parliament? Do you cook with shoes on, or off? The people have a right to know. What's your favourite recipe, when running the country?"
"Jacinda, I've always wondered this. Which female MPs do the vacuuming in Parliament?"


"Next question. The economy. Farming, obviously, backbone of the economy. What's your opinion on fertiliser? Do we need to fertilise more?"

"The environment, such a hot-button, right across the political spectrum. Would you say you're concerned for the sperm whale?"

"Housing. Such a major issue. Economically, socially, immigration, you name it. We can't build houses fast enough. Where do you nest? What's your favourite colour of wallpaper? Marble in the kitchen, yes or no?"

"Across the globe, nationalism and populism are attracting attention. How many pillows do you have on your bed? Rectangular or square?"

"Climate change is an issue, especially with your coalition partner, the Greens. Do you knit?"

"Let's talk about the War on Terror. Do you think the world would experience less terror, if we all had a bit of work done, to suppress facial expressions of alarm?"

"Drug reform is spreading. Do you think marijuana should be legalised, or do you prefer more of a Cosmopolitan?"
"Do you think they chose the right actress to play Wonder Woman?"
"My Food Bag or Uber Eats?"

"Who do you think is more distracted: a pregnant woman, or a woman wishing she were pregnant? Could a pregnant woman ever have the fine-detail judgment, command and control, that's required of a Prime Minister, or a similar job, such as the US President?"

After the interview, it'll be polite to make small-talk as you show her out.
"Have you heard of Germaine Greer? She's written books. By herself. Or so she says. Oh you'd love her. I'll lend you a copy."