Sir Roger Douglas

Figures released this week show that I spent $23,440 of taxpayer money on international and domestic travel.

It's money spent on behalf of New Zealand. As a patriotic Kiwi, I will be taking advantage of the international travel perk available to former government ministers by flying first-class with my wife and our family and our pets and one or two domestic staff to England to watch the All Blacks.

I will also be claiming on taxi fares, the airport shuttle (for the domestic staff), and duty-free. Then there are miscellaneous expenses such as dry cleaning, shoe shining and shoelace tying. Obviously I can't be expected to do any of those things myself.

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The taxpayer is hardly in a position to begrudge my allocation of $23,400. They would only fritter it away on things like school lunches. Obesity is a problem among the poor.

In any case, I deserve the perk, and look back on my long career with pride. I founded the Act Party, and before that I created Rogernomics, which ushered in a new period of prosperity enjoyed by people such as Act Party donor Alan Gibbs.

My economic policy was known in shorthand as user-pays. My travel expenses are a reminder that what it actually meant was the rich shouldn't have to pay for a damned thing, and the public are there to be used.

Go, the All Blacks!

Tim Groser

Figures released this week show that I spent US$15 on shortening the sleeves of my shirt, and charging that expense to the taxpayer.

My return also disclosed a laundry fee for the same shirt for US$27 at my hotel.

It's a very good shirt. It's actually my favourite shirt. It's kind of like a jacket, and I often slipped into it in the evenings after all-day sessions in foreign locations trying to hammer out the TPP deal.

I needed a staffer to help me into it. It doesn't have buttons at the front; it has straps that come around from the back. The straps pinned my arms to my side and prevented me from trashing the hotel room and gnawing my arm off, which is what I always felt like doing after all-day sessions in foreign locations trying to hammer out the TPP deal and achieving sweet FA.

Go, the All Blacks!

Judith Collins

Just as the All Blacks are sponsored by adidas, I have entered into a sponsorship deal with an Auckland car dealership.

It has given me a car to use for six months, and will cover all petrol costs.

I am also open to wearing a sandwich board and yelling out the name of the sponsor while standing on the corner of busy intersections.

Such an action would be consistent with the level of dignity I have always maintained as a member of Parliament.

Go, the All Blacks!

Russel Norman

I have never been a popular figure in the House. I don't know why.

When I gave my valedictory speech in Parliament this week, I noticed that only 14 of National's 59 MPs had bothered to turn up. Labour leader Andrew Little was also absent.

I felt a range of emotions.

At first, I felt kind of depressed. It was like going to your farewell morning tea in the office and realising that hardly anyone gave a damn whether you lived or died. They were just there to fill their faces with savouries and cakes from the trough. They slept at their desks, and dreamed of the perks of international travel. They weren't interested in lifting a finger to make the world a better place.

But when I finished my speech, picked up my bag, and walked out the door of Parliament for the last time, I felt kind of absolutely great about life.

Go, Australia!