• KIRWAN: 'Depression made me a better parent'
• Read an exclusive extract from Kirwan's new book, Stand By Me
• Mental health experts: Teen self-harm stats a paradox
• WHERE TO GET HELP: Scroll to end of the article
"For mental wellness, you probably need to behave a bit differently from how society is telling you to behave."
That sentence, in an extract from his new book, Stand By Me, sums up his advice to young people - and to adults - who suffer from mental problems such as anxiety and depression.
"Society is saying go fast, and mental health is saying slow down," he writes.
And, on a related theme: "One way to make ourselves feel better is to be grateful and to do things for other people ... That's really radical advice because it goes against the way society pushes us - to want more all the time, and to be so busy that we don't have time to look outside our own little lives."
The good news is that we can all find ways to slow down and do things for others. But slowing down doesn't mean doing nothing, because being active is also important for mental health. It's about finding a balance.
For the youth advocacy group at Henderson's Zeal youth centre, the key to coping is mutual support.
"I know a girl who is self-harming. If I saw her relapse I would tell someone because I worry about her," says Davina McGinn, 20. "From being down at Zeal I met so many good friends, so I'm making a family here."
Sean Blunkell, also 20, says just talking about problems helps. "This right now, letting out everything, is making us feel so much better," he says.
Listening, too, is something all of us can do.
Just like physical ailments and injuries, mental health problems are common. In a 2006 survey, almost a quarter (24 per cent) of young people aged 16-24 had already experienced anxiety disorders, 21 per cent had suffered depression or other mood disorders, 19 per cent had abused alcohol or other drugs and 2 per cent had had eating disorders. Depression and substance abuse both peaked in adolescence.
Sir John's book suggests what might be summarised as four elements of coping: "naming" the problem; slowing down; physical and mental exercise; and giving to others. They correspond closely to what the Mental Health Foundation calls "the five ways to wellbeing" .
Name the fear
"Depression and anxiety are about fear," Sir John writes. The natural reaction is to avoid the fear by avoiding the situations that provoke it - by staying at home locked up in your room, or perhaps self-harming to distract from painful feelings of rejection and worthlessness.
Sir John's answer is to "cuddle the fear". "I try and sit it on my knee and give it a cuddle. That brings it closer so that I know it and can identify it, and that takes a lot of the power out of it," he writes.
"If you can address and understand your fears, communicate them to the people who matter, and then 'cuddle' those fears, you take away some of their power. It's like laughing in the face of fear."
Dr Elliot Bell, an Otago University psychologist who co-wrote the book with his wife Kirsty Louden-Bell and Sir John, says "naming the fear", or looking at your feelings objectively rather than letting them swallow you, is part of what the Mental Health Foundation calls "taking notice" or "mindfulness".
"It's a technique that teaches people to observe their own psychological responses - really learn through observation that your thoughts are just thoughts, your feelings are just feelings, they come and go and you don't need to be pulled along by them," he says.
"One of the hallmarks of depression is rumination and a preoccupation with the past, and in anxiety the equivalent is worry and concern about the future.
"So these mental states are equally marked by preoccupation and strong feelings and strong thoughts, which are very important factors in keeping both conditions going.
"Mindfulness is staying in the present and observing your thinking. It's about teaching an ability to detach to a degree from thoughts and feelings."
Once you can recognise those unhelpful thoughts and feelings, you can learn to cope with them in helpful ways.
"That could be going to speak to someone or doing something pleasant that I know enhances my mood, or something that gives me a sense of achievement, like exercise."
Slow down
Slowing down and "savouring the moment" is also a form of mindfulness. It's about "chilling out" when things get stressful.
"There are no rules about this. Your things will be different from my things," Sir John writes.
"For me, having a coffee - sipping it slowly, really tasting it - is one of the things I love. It's a little thing that anchors me in the moment, and I create a moment to consciously enjoy. But you might hate coffee ...
"I tried everything with an open mind," he writes. "I'm not good at sitting still doing nothing. But reading, playing the guitar, going to the shops and selecting good food and bringing it home and cooking it for my family - those things I love and they bring me peace."
Slowing down involves removing unnecessary busyness and stress. For many young people, that means limiting texting and social media. Sir John has simple rules for his own teenage sons, such as no cellphones when eating, studying or reading.
"The most important thing for me is that you control the phone, the phone doesn't control you," he says.
He recommends restricting your "friends" on social media to true friends.
"If you're not going to walk across the street to say hello, they shouldn't be on your Facebook page," he says.
"I've got an Instagram, but I've only got my family on it."
The other enemy of mindfulness is alcohol. Sir John has lived in a society where people don't drink to get drunk, Italy, and believes New Zealand's biggest problem is "our binge-drinking culture".
"One of the things my [Italian] wife always said to me was, "Why do you get out of it to have a good time?" I'm no saint myself, I love a drink, I love having a few drinks, so I'm not preaching at all, but I don't think it's good for our youth, and I don't think it's good for me, and I don't think it's good for our society."
Exercise
Probably the best-known antidote to depression is keeping physically and mentally active. These are two of the Mental Health Foundation's five ways to wellness: constant learning, and being active.
Sir John's TV ads, in which he dives into a pool to overcome depression, are genuine.
"I'll go to the pool, usually early in the morning. I swim up and down - I'll do two, maybe three, kilometres - and I get into a rhythm that's a bit meditational," he writes.
He also goes surfing: "It's very hard to enjoy the moment when you're stressed or carrying stuff with you, and I find that surfing washes that away a wee bit."
Sean Blunkell at Zeal uses music.
"I would write lyrics and let every bit of emotion out - let out the negative stuff and keep in the positive," he says.
Jayden Dunn, 16, says: "Just find something that you enjoy doing in your spare time. Mine's the guitar, Sean's is lyrics."
Dr Bell talks of "the building blocks of exercise, nutrition, relaxation, sleep". Doctors prescribe them for physical illnesses, and mental illnesses are just the same.
"Anxiety and depression are common. They are illnesses, they are not character defects, they are just like colds and medical conditions," he says. "You can get them, they have treatments, there are good resources available."
Give to others
Sir John writes in his book: "In the 'I' society that we live in, people say, 'I won't do something for someone else, I'll do it for me.' But I saw a great comment online recently - 'When the 'I' is replaced by 'we', even illness becomes wellness.'"
The Mental Health Foundation's first two ways to wellness are all about connecting with other people and doing something for them.
"There is really good evidence that doing things for others can promote wellbeing," Dr Bell says.
He says trying to cope with depression by isolating yourself in your room only makes it worse. "You're at home in bed thinking what a loser I've been, and missing out on the opportunity that you might bump into someone and they might say something nice."
"When we talk about resilience, we emphasise that it's not just personal coping strategies but it's about the environment you're in, and being part of a community where there are people you can trust and have confidence in and that will respond effectively. That can be massively resilience-building."
Jayden Dunn learnt to find the few good friends who could help when he felt down.
"I can count those good friends on the fingers of one hand," he says.
"Once you realise that, you ditch all those other people who you realise have actually treated you like crap. That takes a whole load off your shoulders."
Sir John Kirwan will speak about his book at Hamilton Boys' High School on Thursday October 9, 7.30pm, and at Kristin School, Albany, Friday October 10, 7.30pm. For more information CLICK HERE, or for tickets CLICK HERE
WHERE TO GET HELP
• Lifeline: 0800 543 354 (available 24/7)
• Suicide Crisis Helpline: 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO) (available 24/7)
• Youth services: (06) 3555 906
• Youthline: 0800 376 633
• Kidsline: 0800 543 754 (4pm to 6pm weekdays)
• Whatsup: 0800 942 8787 (1pm to 11pm)
• The Word
• Depression helpline: 0800 111 757 (available 24/7)
• Rainbow Youth: (09) 376 4155
• CASPER Suicide Prevention
If it is an emergency and you feel like you or someone else is at risk, call 111.
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