Mum and daughter confront their sexual abuse trauma together: ‘This is yours, you can have it back’

Daisy* and her daughter, Lucy*, breaking a cycle of silence in their family. Photo / Rafaella Melo

‘You are not to blame’ is a Hawke’s Bay Today series exploring the prevalence of sexual abuse and what we can do to expose it. This article focuses on why abuse can be hidden and cyclical, and how to break that cycle.

When Ana* discovered her daughter had been abused inside her own home for nearly eight years since she was 5, the pain was awful.

But unfortunately, it was familiar.

Ana, too, had been harmed as a child and had carried it with her, in silence.

Lucy*, now 17, was just 11 when her older brother left her a note asking if she wanted to have sex.

When her mother Daisy* found out she froze at first, because she already knew the horror.

She had lived it in her own childhood, being abused by a relative and disbelieved when she tried to speak out.

Two mothers, two daughters. Two generations of the same families, forced to share a trauma.

This time, they’re determined to break the cycle of silence.

A hidden epidemic

Sexual abuse is widespread in New Zealand, yet most of it remains unreported.

Police recorded 2086 sexual offences in Hawke’s Bay over the past five years, between January 1, 2020, and June 30 this year.

But the New Zealand Crime and Victims Survey (2023) estimates more than one in four adults have experienced at least one act of sexual assault against them in their lifetime. For women, that rises to more than one in three.

In Hawke’s Bay, Brave Foundation counsellor and co-founder Karen Hart says the reality could be closer to one in three girls or women, or “even more”.

Brave Foundation is an organisation helping young women heal from sexual harm.

“Most of our clients never report their abuse and often come from long lines of unreported generational sexual abuse,” Hart said.

The pattern of silence surrounded Ana and her daughter, Lily*.

Lily was only 5 when her alleged abuse began. The alleged perpetrator was Ana’s then-husband, the man her daughter trusted as a stepfather.

For years, Lily remained silent, too afraid to speak.

Almost two years ago, Ana was told what had happened.

While the case awaits trial, Ana has channelled her energy into advocacy.

She’s pushing for education on safe touching and raising awareness about the impact of intra-family harm.

“It has become my mission now,” she says.

“I have been sharing with parents that you can’t just let your kids go to a sleepover ... and how to explain age-appropriate touch to each of your children, however old they are.

“Even if you trusted the parents of the sleepover, you never know if there is an older teen or an uncle or women – women are perpetrators as well.”

Ana believes teaching children to recognise harmful behaviour – even in trusted environments – should be mandatory in schools.

“We were taught stranger danger, but not about what happens in homes ... or how to reach out for help.”

Hautū (leader) Curriculum Centre at the Ministry of Education, Pauline Cleaver, says relationships and sexuality are part of the health and physical education national curriculum.

While the current curriculum does not explicitly mention “safe or unsafe touch”, schools have the flexibility to cover this content.

“While the Ministry of Education does not provide guidance, training or resources about intra-family harm, consent, boundaries and help-seeking behaviour, schools may choose to engage with external organisations that offer professional learning or resources in these areas,” Cleaver says.

A curriculum refresh is under way, with consent education proposed as compulsory from 2027.

The updated framework will also cover topics such as setting boundaries, online and offline safety, and healthy relationships.

Looking for help, Ana connected with survivor advocate Louise Nicholas, whose case involving police rape in the 1990s reshaped how New Zealand addresses sexual violence.

Nicholas told Hawke’s Bay Today intergenerational experiences of abuse demand urgent attention to mental health.

“It absolutely retraumatises them. It brings back all the bad stuff and then a lot of guilt. ‘Why couldn’t I protect my child? How did this happen under my watch?’” she says.

“Those guilty feelings just add to the chaos in their heads. But what’s really good is that when that happens, the services that are available, like counselling and therapy, are not just for the child that’s been harmed now, but also for the parent.

“Therapists work alongside both, individually, to help the parent understand that their own trauma can influence their child’s ... and to help them see that the blame lies with the perpetrator, not with them.”

That cycle of reoccurring trauma was familiar to Daisy, who sought support for herself as well as her daughter, Lucy.

As a child, Daisy was abused by someone who had married into her family.

“It started when I was a lot younger than 11, but at 11, I realised it wasn’t right what was happening to me,” she said.

Her mother was often away working.

“That’s when the abuse was happening, when she wasn’t around, and no one else was around,” Daisy said.

“He would get me to perform things ... it was really horrible.”

The harm extended beyond sexual abuse to psychological and physical punishment.

For decades, Daisy carried the weight alone. At 32, she decided to “let the pain go” by writing a letter detailing everything that had been done to her and delivered it to her abuser.

“I said, ‘this is yours. You can have it back’.”

Daisy said she was not believed by her family.

“It just all got swept under the carpet.”

When her own daughter was targeted by her older brother, Daisy was forced to confront her past all over again.

Lucy was just 11 when she received a note from him asking for sex. Daisy recalls the moment her daughter confided in her.

“I had a mother who didn’t support me and didn’t believe me, and I’m not going to be that mother.

“I told my daughter, ‘I believe you, and whatever you want to do, I will support you’.”

Daisy* and her daughter, Lucy* are breaking a cycle of silence in their family. Photo / Rafaella Melo

Police were involved, but Lucy says “they couldn’t do much” because the offender had a mental health disorder.

Police say such cases fall under the Criminal Procedure (Mentally Impaired Persons) Act 2003.

To protect her daughter, Daisy often had Lucy sleep in her bed.

“He wasn’t allowed to come upstairs. I got no sleep ... We even tried putting locks on her door,” Daisy said.

But before he left the home for good, there was another attempt.

“I was sleeping in my bedroom. When I woke up, I could see him crawling towards my bed,” Lucy said.

Determined to not “live in fear”, she sought counselling with Brave Foundation.

“Talking about it makes me stronger.”

She also adopted a therapy cat to cope with her fear of the dark and being alone.

“She is my little support.”

Lucy* with her cat. “She is my little support.” Photo / Rafaella Melo

Daisy says the family has rallied around Lucy to “break the cycle” and protect her future.

“I’m changing the generation of what’s happened to me. It might have happened to me, but it’s not happening in my household.”

Speaking out is part of the change, Daisy says.

“My child is going to have a voice.”

Where to get help:

If it’s an emergency and you feel that you or someone else is at risk, call 111.

If you have been sexually assaulted, remember it’s not your fault.

Historical offending is referred to the police Adult Sexual Assault Team via the 105 phone line, reports at the front counter or online reporting.

If you’ve ever experienced sexual assault or abuse and need to talk to someone, contact Safe to Talk confidentially at any time:

Call 0800 044 334

Text 4334

Email support@safetotalk.nz

For more info or to web-chat, visit safetotalk.nz

Alternatively, contact your local police station - click here for a list.

Rape Crisis Hawke’s Bay – 24/7 support locally. 0800 777 550 or 021 227 6622.

To contact Brave Foundation, fill out a quick form on their website.

*Victims’ names have been changed.

Rafaella Melo has more than 10 years of experience as a journalist in Brazil. She has worn many hats, from radio and TV presenter and producer to magazine editor before joining the Hawke’s Bay Today team as a multimedia journalist.