Your phone is addictive because of... dopamine. Photo / 123rf
ADVICE:
Q. My adult son who, as well as suffering from anxiety and depression, is compulsively throwing away items to the extent that his fridge is always empty. He owns just a handful of personal clothing items and the bare minimum of household goods. What help is there for him?
"Compulsive decluttering" or "obsessive compulsive spartanism" is not a common diagnosis, and as such is not well recognised. The opposite of hoarding, people are unable to resist the urge to throw things out, and they are often left with very few possessions.
Technically it's a form of obsessive compulsive disorder or "OCD", with people experiencing distressing obsessions, causing them to repeat compulsive behaviours.
There are many potential causes, and treatment needs to focus on helping people generally tolerate distress and tension, along with addressing any historic issues that may cause distress such as trauma, neglect, bullying or other past issues that can cause chronic distress and tension.
However, therapy can take time. Some will try to tell you that behavioural therapies can help in just a few sessions. However, unless time is taken to help learn to manage emotions more generally, then symptoms often return in the form of new obsessions and compulsions.
Q. Why are people so aggressive on social media to strangers?
The answer is both complicated, and simple. The simple answer is that empathy is over-rated - we tend to only feel empathy for people like us. Empathy naturally drops with those we see as different to us. We call it "othering" and it's at the root of all the "ism's" - racism, sexism etc.
It might be human nature, but it's not all bad news. Familiarity with difference increases understanding. As we get to know those who seem different, we come to understand that we have more in common than we think. We can also make a conscious effort to overcome this response ("Just say no to racism").
However, social media platforms - especially Twitter - tend to make this problem worse. It's naturally harder (although not impossible) to empathise over the impersonal expanse of the internet, and much easier to "other". If you've ever witnessed - or been subjected to - a "pile-on", you'll know what I mean.
Q. My wife died two months ago, after a long battle with cancer. I feel like some of my friends are avoiding me. Why do people do that?
I'm sorry for your loss. Grief is hard, and harder for some than others. I don't think that Pākehā New Zealand culture handles grief very well - as you are sadly experiencing.
However, we all die, and it's likely we have all had someone close to us pass away. But we go about our lives in chronic denial about our own fragile mortality - a normal sense of denial that makes day-to-day life possible.
Over time we gradually get more comfortable with being mortal - and largely this is about being able to feel the feelings associated with death.
The people who are avoiding you aren't there yet. For one reason or another they can't tolerate feeling the feelings that your situation prompts in them. Be assured, it's not you.
I hope you have people around you are able to be with you, in whatever way you need. Grief is bearable when others are with us.
Q. Is my phone addictive?
Yes. Next question..? But seriously, it sort of depends on what you mean by addictive. We're used to thinking about chemicals we put into our body - drugs - as being addictive, but it's less obvious with behaviours. Gambling, gaming or technology use more generally can develop into an addiction for some. But how?
Dopamine. The brain chemical - neurotransmitter - of reward. Addictive behaviours fire up our dopamine circuits and can lead to us seeking more and more of the buzz. With smartphones it tends to be the notifications system - and social media platforms - that drive this loop.
And while not everybody gets addicted, we can all probably recognise feeling out of control with our phone use.
So if you want to make changes, try starting with decreasing the engagement the device demands of you - like turning off notifications. And set periods of time where you will put your device in another room and engage in other activities.