Within the family: Three ways to handle a moving experience

By SUZANNE INNES-KENT

Any change puts a strain on individuals, and moving house is a major upheaval in the lives of families.

Even if the move is welcome, the process of packing and moving is emotionally dislocating and can take its toll on relationships if the family is not prepared.

But moving house often involves a mix of feelings. The job that is taking a family away from familiar surroundings may be welcome, but some members may have been perfectly content to stay put.

One man told me that when he and his partner moved house, he became so disoriented that he felt suicidal for the first time in his life.

We tend to underrate the stressful effects of change. Today's world says that change is a good thing, and one of the skills for modern living is the ability to respond flexibly to circumstances. We are supposed to look on the bright side.

I suggest that you have the best chance of managing a transition smoothly if you observe three principles.

The first is AWARENESS. Awareness means realising that some of the family, perhaps a child, maybe your partner, even you, are likely to feel a sense of loss, because the familiar is changing.

Perhaps, along with excitement, there is a little doubt over the decision. Going through old things while packing up can stir memories, saying goodbye can expose emotions you did not know were lurking. Some people find themselves quite tearful in these circumstances, and others turn tearfulness into a short fuse.

The second is ACKNOWLEDGMENT. This means that by either words or actions you validate the feelings that you and others have. You acknowledge that different members of the family have different reactions, and that is okay. You acknowledge emotions, even if you don't understand.

Not, "Why are you upset? It was your idea to move", but, "It's funny how mixed your feelings can be at this time, isn't it?".

A useful exercise is to make a point of reminiscing over memories of life in the house you are leaving. It's a way of saying, "We are not turning our backs on the things that have been important. They will live in our family memories."

And finally, ACCOMMODATION, or ALLOWING ROOM. This means giving people time to come to terms with the change in their own time and way.

Sometimes it means letting a child keep something that you would like them to have grown out of being dependent on but which helps their sense of security.

Sometimes it means resisting your own desire to make everyone cheerful, and let someone else take a bit longer.

A young friend of mine has a signed and witnessed statement in my drawer. It says that in five years she will still be as unhappy about her family's move as she was when she wrote it. A year later, reports are that life is looking pretty good.

There's an old saying: if you want someone to be different, accept them the way they are. That leaves them free to change.

* Suzanne Innes-Kent is a relationships consultant, author and broadcaster.