Jim Hopkins: Here's a quick quiz to find out whether you're a redneck

HUMOUR

By any measure, Don Brash has a lot to answer for. The man's clearly getting too big for his booths.

Excuse me, booths? - The Senior Chief Inspector of Columns

Yes sir. The things people vote in.

Of course. I knew that. Very droll. Right, get on with it. - the Senior Chief Inspector of Columns.

Would that we could, your grace. Alas, the once reserved banker is making that impossible. He keeps saying things. And they're upsetting people. Heavens above, we all know sociologists and clerics who've been on medication since Orewa.

Now he's at it again. And this time it's crime! But he's not pouring oil on troubled waters, he's setting fire to it, then fanning the flames to inflame his fans.

The result, as we enlightened folk know, is a dangerous outbreak of incrimsonation - a palpable reddening of the nation's neck. People are having impure thoughts - and expressing them. All the good work of the past 25 years is threatened by this wave of nouveau scepticism.

This is not good. Any Waikato Law School graduate knows that. It could mean the end of treaty settlements and tandem anthems and trips abroad to study lesbian sports.

(In fact, they're gone already. You can unpack your bags, Sappho, and start paying for your hip-hop CDs as well.)

So we who know best must act, or we'll all wake up one day and find there's a prison alongside every Warehouse in the country and public floggings for people who haven't paid their parking tickets.

(Not that you get those in Auckland, cos you can just park for the day on the motorway.)

But you take the point. Action is essential. We must identify the enemy and flush out redneck thinking wherever it lurks. Which might be closer than you think.

Most researchers think there's a bit of redneck in all of us, and we must know how much before we start the remedial re-education to cleanse our ideological impurities.

To that end, we've devised the National RQ Test to scientifically measure your Redneck Quotient. Are you a redneck? Let's find out

Question: Dr Brash's pledge to scrap parole for repeat offenders simply proves he is:

(A) A weak-kneed, lily-livered, namby-pamby do-gooder who wouldn't know how to spell "garrotting", let alone do one himself.

(B) On the right track.

(C) Woefully ignorant of the complex socio-economic matrix of disadvantage and oppression that engenders criminality as a coping mechanism among marginalised and disadvantaged persons who are then disproportionately penalised by a punitive judicial system which institutionally favours the middle class.

Question: Parole is:

(A) Not as much fun as public executions.

(B) Too easy to get and hopelessly supervised.

(C) An entirely appropriate incentivising mechanism which, alongside an adequately funded programme of restorative justice, will greatly assist the therapeutic rehabilitation of all disadvantaged inmates.

Question: People should get parole if:

(A) They've already been executed.

(B) Their victim (or their victim's family) is happy about it.

(C) It's available because we all know prisons don't work and the key objective of modern penal theory is to address the underlying causes of those behaviours categorised by others as criminal through the managed reintegration of disadvantaged persons in a monitored context where appropriate socialisation procedures can be initiated by adequately funded people like us.

Question: Do you think the Parole Board is:

(A) Another chance for cash-happy politicians to provide cushy jobs for their mates.

(B) A bunch of woofters who don't even know the law they're operating under.

(D) Something Margaret wants to put me on.

Question: A newly appointed New Zealand judge has said that crimes such as burglary were, in part, our fault because we hadn't bothered to meet our burglar first. "It's a lot harder to steal from someone you know," he said. Since hearing those comments, have you:

(A) Filled the front lawn with land mines and put up a sign saying, "Come and get it, buddy!"

(B) Investigated the cost of installing a security system because it's clear we're on our own.

(C) Applied for Government funding so your community collective can put ads in the paper inviting burglars to drop in for a neighbourhood barbecue and multi-cultural street party.

Question: Do you think Mt Albert is:

(A) The perfect place for Auckland's new mega-prison.

(B) What happens after a civil union.

(C) Where you live and we've got enough trouble already with Eden Park, thank you.

Scoring: Give yourself 5 points for every question you've answered with an A, 2 points for every B and 0 for every C.

Results: if you scored 30 or more, then you've either had a blood transfusion from Genghis Khan or you're Winston Peters. Either way, there's no hope. Basically, you should emigrate to Queensland (or Texas).

If your score was 0 to 4, congratulations, you're one of us - enlightened, insightful, and probably working for the Corrections Service already. If not, you should immediately apply for a job in Don Brash's office and bring the old codger to his senses.

Sadly, if you scored between 12 and 17, it's official: you're a redneck. But there's still hope, it's not terminal. With counselling or a quick call to the Matt Robson hotline you should be right.

But expect delays. It seems redneckery is rife in Outer Roa and we who know best should give ourselves a good brain rinse then start scrubbing the great unwashed.