How to handle sibling rivalry

Fairness is the key to sorting out squabbles between children in a family, reports REBECCA WALSH.

You are on the phone trying to organise the washing machine repair when a piercing scream hits you from down the hall.

The children are fighting again. This time the 3-year-old has pulled apart her 5-year-old brother's Lego castle and refuses to give up the pieces.

Sibling rivalry can be enough to drive parents to despair but how they handle their children's disputes can make a big difference to the family home and stress levels.

The arrival of a new brother or sister often signals the start of what can become, for some families, an ongoing battle. The older sibling, used to being the centre of attention, may feel rejected and jealous of the time and attention the baby receives.

As they grow up, children struggle to assert their autonomy. As pre-schoolers it might be over something as simple as toys - later it might be through attention-seeking behaviour or direct competition.

Dr Jenny Neale, deputy dean of the faculty of humanities and social studies at Victoria University, studied the relationship between sisters for her doctorate. She says gender and the child's position in the family can make a difference.

For example, a second sister or brother who are the same sex as an older child may not feel unique and question his or her role.

"Children might say, 'She's clever, I've got to be as clever and beat [her] or attain as well as she has, or I've got to be completely different so there is no way I can be compared'.

"A lot of it is the struggle to be seen as yourself, someone separate, not just one of the girls, or one of the Browns."

Dr Neale says sometimes parents try to give each child a role to lessen any competition, such as, "She's the pretty one, she's the clever one".

But she says differences should not be seen as a negative thing.

Dr Janet Gregory, lecturer in health and human development at Massey University College of Education says if there is a lot of conflict in the parents' relationship the same is likely for the children.

Parents who are demanding and authoritarian rather than using reason and explaining situations to children are likely to see that reflected in their children's behaviour.

"I sometimes jokingly say, 'Watch how your children interact and it might tell you something about how you interact with them'. If you hear the child saying, "You do it and you do it right now" to their younger sibling, then suddenly you might think, "That sounds like me as a parent'."

Dr Gregory says the way a parent intervenes in conflicts can contribute to ongoing rivalry.

If a younger child is favoured over an older child, or a girl over a boy, children see that as unfair.

She says children can be treated differently and fairly, provided they understand why.

Some children are easier to get along with than others. Parents may also find they develop favourites.

But Dr Gregory says that as a parent it is important to remember you are the adult and need to be fair.

"You can treat people differently but still fairly. I have heard parents say, 'I have treated both my children exactly the same' and I kind of chuckle to myself because that's not possible."

Psychologist Steven Hayns says the term sibling rivalry assumes children are rivals for their parents' attention but that is not always true. It may be more to do with the children's need to learn skills such as sharing and taking turns.

It might be as simple as teaching an older child the skills to deal with their 3-year-old sister when she interrupts their play, knocking over their Lego castle.

"Teach them how to give an activity to the younger one to keep them busy."

If it is adjusting to a new sibling, it is a good idea to prepare the older child before the baby is born. Give them some responsibilities, for example, letting you know when the baby cries.

But ensure there are clear rules, such as not picking up the baby unless they ask their parents first.

On sorting out disputes, the experts agree it is a good idea to make use of the situation to teach children problem-solving skills.

If there is an argument over a toy or using the computer, involve them in finding a solution.

"Often children can come up with a fairer resolution than the parent because the way they work it out they both have to be agreeable to it," Dr Gregory says.

While children may be able to work out some of the problems themselves, in more serious disputes parents need to intervene and ensure appropriate results.

Mr Hayns warns that parents should be careful not to fall into the trap of always expecting an older child to give in to a younger one.

Parents can create a situation where they accidentally reward the younger child for being difficult in an attempt to restore the peace, he says.

Dr Neale says the women interviewed for her study reported less sibling rivalry as the children got older.

Tips for dealing with sibling rivalry

* Don't compare siblings.

* Prepare children for the arrival of a new brother or sister and give them some small responsibility so they feel included.

* Ensure children have individual time with each parent.

* Establish family rules about appropriate behaviour.

* Involve children in resolving disputes.

* Reinforce good behaviour between siblings.