Ask the experts: I keep choosing the wrong men, what am I doing wrong?

Falling hard and fast for someone often signals over-reliance on needing to be wanted or chosen by another to feel good enough, worthy or loveable. Photo / 123rf

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Hi Nic and Verity,

I am a 42-year-old woman, smart and attractive, but I feel I always choose the wrong men. I am a successful professional but I think my judgment with guys really sucks. I keep choosing guys who lie or won’t take responsibility, let alone work on themselves. Sometimes I find out they have been lying or have other serious issues I had no idea about. I do not think I am perfect, I usually fall quite hard and fast for guys, look after them too much and don’t say if things are not okay for me or not what I want and need. Eventually, my resentment or disappointment builds up and I bring it all up emotionally and badly or I end it quite abruptly. Help, what am I doing wrong? I feel like a failure at relationships when I am succeeding in all other areas of my life. - Jenny

Dear Jenny,

When we keep making the same mistakes, it’s usually a sign that unconscious forces are acting within us. If you consciously want to do one thing (choose a partner carefully) but keep doing something else (throwing yourself headlong into a relationship) – that suggests there is more at work than you are currently tracking. The key to breaking these patterns is working out what those unconscious influences are and learning to manage them differently.

There will be reasons why you “fall quite hard” and don’t speak up about your boundaries, wants and needs. And the same reasons may account for you giving to the point of being resentful. ‘Falling hard and fast’ for someone often signals over-reliance on needing to be wanted or chosen by another to feel good enough, worthy or loveable (other validation). Relying on their reactions to feel good about yourself invites you to please, appease and accommodate to keep them validating you. We would recommend working to strengthen self-validation – which allows you to expect to be considered and treated well, even to be cherished.

Self-validation is difficult for many of us. How secure we feel about ourselves in an intimate relationship with other people is pretty much set in place by the events or templates we experience growing up. Usually, this means our relationships with our parents or caregivers but experiences with school, friends, sports, churches, and extended family during our upbringing can all have an impact.

You mention you don’t speak up if things are not okay for you, that you over-give, and don’t expect enough for yourself. This is probably fuelled by an anxious focus on what your partner is doing, thinking and feeling. If you follow the usual pattern, you will accompany this with a desperate desire to please – which is how you end up minimising or neglecting what you think, feel and want.

If you want to break the pattern of not taking care of yourself at the start of relationships, you will need to understand why it is hard to believe in your worth (or importance or whatever your particular insecurities are). Where in your upbringing did you learn that you’re not good enough, unimportant, etc? Remember, those beliefs may result from caregiver behaviour and choices that seem perfectly “normal” to you.

In our experience, identifying where you learned to undervalue yourself is necessary to successfully challenge those beliefs. A compassionate understanding of where and why you learned these patterns of behaviour and why you struggle to change them allows you to stop being judgemental or blaming yourself. Being kind and supportive to yourself will make it a lot easier for you to change your patterns.

You, like everyone, deserve to be known and loved for who you are. But that can only happen if you show up. If you don’t believe you are worthy or important enough, you will hide behind a facade of being pleasing and caring. Your partner will never get to know you. What’s worse, by appeasing him, you invite his insecurities and anxieties to dominate the relationship. In being frightened of losing him, you aren’t likely to challenge his insecurity-driven behaviour. When he is self-indulgent, inconsiderate or hiding, etc, you probably won’t take him to task for it until it’s too late, and your resentment and hurt are overwhelming.

Remember, you are not alone in your struggle. Knowing how to check someone out carefully and slowly for suitability as a “good bet” for a partner (rather than just a sexual hook-up) requires quite a secure and mature set of relational skills that nearly half of us don’t get during childhood. You are statistically normal in your struggle to make good choices about partners. It is a skill that many of us learn as adults.

Even with men who initially appear charming or “a good catch”, some women will take their time to do their due diligence. It is not that they are much better at choosing the “right guy”. It is that they value themselves and want to make sure they are getting what they need. People who are secure in themselves are aware you can’t know someone very well quickly. They know to explore how self-aware a man is and what he has learned about himself.

Psychologists Verity Thom and Nic Beets are specialist relationship and sex therapists. Photo / Dean Purcell

Of particular importance is finding out whether he takes responsibility for his mistakes or unhelpful patterns, both with you and in past relationships. Likewise, how does he respond to criticism, disagreement, and challenge? Does he get defensive or angry? In addition, can he acknowledge his insecurities and ways that he also struggles to stay steady and engaged under pressure? If you want an intimate relationship, you need to find out if he can tolerate being open and vulnerable to some extent and stay present when you are being open and vulnerable in turn.

It sounds like you could benefit from learning to express your needs and wants more and sooner with the men you are dating. Having healthy expectations and saying them is an excellent way to get to know someone’s capacity for empathy, caring and giving.

Raising things that are not okay for you or worrying you sounds like another skill to develop while getting to know some men. Trust your intuition. When things don’t seem right, raising them is a good idea so that it is harder for someone to lie or hide from you. It will help you assess if they can take a fair challenge well. Watch out for them getting attacking, dismissive or deflective of your valid concern.

In short, we suggest you are gentler with yourself, stop being so self-critical about your “guy-choosing” skills and instead learn to treat yourself as important and worthwhile. If a man is worth having, he will cope with differences and disagreements and negotiate with you fairly. Trust your intuition and ask questions. A secure man (i.e. a safe man) will accept a challenge and respond reasonably, not defensively - or at least own it and apologise if he has become defensive (we can all get reactive at times). Don’t try to “win” him by giving more than you can afford to give. That’s how you end up resentful. Make sure he is giving to you as well in his way. Don’t let your “falling for him”-type feelings stop you from thinking about and expressing what you want and need. Look for a man who delights in giving you what you want. You deserve to be cherished and shouldn’t settle for less.

• Verity & Nic are psychologists and family therapists who have specialised in relationship and sex therapy for more than 25 years. They have been working on their own relationship for more than 40 years and have two adult children.