The revamped public toilets at the Hokowhitu Shopping Centre. They are behind the shops in the carpark, a location that doesn't add ambience to the amenities. Photo / Judith Lacy
OPINION:
Warning: Content may offend
What do money, sex, death and going to the toilet have in common? Firstly, we all have them in common. Secondly, there are rolls and rolls of euphemisms and nicknamesfor these activities.
"Taking a slash" is one of my least favourite expressions for relieving oneself. My grandfather would always say he was off to inspect the plumbing. Using the urination station is the most creative I've heard.
The public toilets at the Hokowhitu Shopping Centre have been refurbished. These aren't any old (or refurbished) public toilets but also serve as facilities for customers of the centre's two cafes.
The first thing I noticed was a sizeable weed growing in a gap in the concrete near the (jail) door to the women's toilets. The second thing I noticed was the smell. On a gag-meter where one is barely noticeable and five is dry retching, I'd rate the smell a 2.5. I couldn't place its source but it could have been a combination of urine and chemicals.
In the wheelchair toilet, there was a white plastic bag on the attractive grey floor. I was too chicken to inspect any closer. Both women's toilets had sanitary disposal bins, which is impressive.
I couldn't detect any unpleasant odours in the men's toilets - just what looked like poo on the toilet bowl, but less than on the two bowls in the women's toilets.
Us toilet inspectors (okay probably just me) have to look for these things. I do have my limits though and didn't do a sniff test or take a scraping for analysis. See chicken comment above.
The men's urinal looked spotless and there was also less rubbish on the floor. I'm sure this is just a coincidence but only the women's toilets had a sticker advising to call the council if there were any problems.
In both the men's and women's toilets there are modern hand dryers, soap dispensers with soap in them and toilet paper. Both have only cold water and open drains. My advice would be don't look down. The men's toilets had a Covid-19 QR scanner poster, the women's did not.
The worse public toilets I've ever had the misfortune to use were in regional France. As you descended the stairs the smell was almost enough to send you running in the opposite direction. Except you had just handed over €2, your bladder was as full as Boris Johnson's ego and it had taken ages to find the place. The toilets themselves were so filthy it was hard to see the original colour of the seat and bowl.
But back to Hokowhitu. Despite the weeds outside and a small bit of rubbish, including the trash de l'année (a mask and what looked like a glove), the toilets look great from the outside with a new paint job, rose garden and a snake mural by arccult. Snakes freak me out more than open drains but, never fear, I didn't see any reptiles inside the toilets.
There are two no smoking signs on the outside of the block in what I think was Tongan and Fijian. While I fully endorse the message, I question the language choices.
Confession time - while I spent some time making notes and taking photos, I never used the toilet. The smell and the faeces were too much for me to overcome on an empty bladder so I can't tell you how my wobbly butt found those seats that aren't seats.
While the toilet design isn't welcoming, as a society we get the toilets we deserve. If just one member has a penchant for trashing public conveniences or stealing toilet seats we all suffer.
If you are reading this on your personal throne, like one city councillor once told me he did with The Tribune, which I used to edit, be grateful your smallest room in the house is in the house and not in your garden or carpark.