Is it time to look up from our phones and interact with strangers? Photo / Getty Images
As our digital worlds continue to steal our attention, some people are taking a more intentional approach to meeting strangers in real life.
The first date after a breakup can be tough. For Blithe Saxon, a poet and singer-songwriter living in London, her Hinge date was a struggle, and not just because her wounds are still fresh.
Rather, she was less than thrilled by how the date came about: Saxon much prefers making connections in real life or through friends.
“Now the sun’s shining, I find myself sitting in West London outside of these little bistros, and I watch people pass by. And if anyone’s cute, I might try and pick up the courage to go over,” Saxon, 30, said. “But I’ve not found anyone that I think is worth embarrassing myself in front of everyone.”
Cutting through the fog of dating-app fatigue, there has been a surge of real-life dating events. Some people are joining run clubs or book clubs with the explicit intention to flirt. Speed-dating events and mixers are held regularly in cities across the country.
But even those options for real-life meet-cutes aren’t spontaneous enough for some people, who are opting for even simpler strategies for interacting with strangers – ones that don’t add a single minute to their screen time totals.
Maybe it’s making a point of not looking at your phone in the elevator. Or perhaps it’s committing to spend the entirety of your subway ride without headphones on, one day a week. While either might seem inconceivable in the 21st century, putting down your digital defences may create the opportunity for a chance encounter – if that’s what you’re after.
Now that she’s single again, Saxon plans to put into practice some of her old tactics for sparking connection with a handsome stranger. For her, that means dressing up in something that makes her feel confident and exuding what she describes as an “inviting energy”.
“If I think you are cute, I’m staring at you, dead in the eyes, until you reciprocate,” she said.
Her other trick to spark a conversation with someone new, she said, is dropping something on the ground and then asking the stranger to hold her drink – just for a moment – as she bends down to pick it up. Other times, she has taken a more direct approach.
“I just went straight up to him, and I was like, ‘I can’t stop looking at your face. I think you’re beautiful,’” she said. “And he was like, ‘I think you’re beautiful.’”
Sure, a lot of these approaches take guts. But for Onya Solomon, 25, who said he gave up on dating apps in 2022, they’re necessary in order to meet men or make new friends.
“I learned that the price you have to pay for community, at times, is inconvenience,” he said.
Solomon’s go-to method is to walk. That’s it. He said he had walked the length of Manhattan, top to bottom, several times. Some days, he takes the train over an hour from his home, in Westchester County, to explore Crown Heights or Prospect Park in Brooklyn, which he says is more diverse and lively than where he lives.
He avoids being on his phone or listening to music during his trips and will sometimes stop to check out an event he passes along the way. For his troubles, he has been rewarded with platonic conversations, a romantic stroll and even a modelling opportunity.
“I never really like to force anything,” he said. “If it happens, it happens; if it doesn’t, it doesn’t. And that’s just been my dating life as of late.”
Attending an event or going to a bar alone is easier said than done, especially if small talk feels like an uphill battle. Logan Ury, a behavioural scientist and dating coach, said she encouraged her clients to remember their ABCs – “always be connecting,” whether seeking platonic or romantic connection.
This allows people who are shy to build up confidence over time. She also suggested going out with a friend, which can help make you feel more comfortable. Some other methods she has recommended to clients include having a book out in public instead of your phone – unlike a nondescript device, a book jacket can be a conversation starter – or initiating a conversation while waiting in a long line.
It’s understandable why we use our phones as barriers. Wearing headphones while commuting, at the gym or in the office is an easy way to signal that you don’t want to be bothered and avoid getting trapped in unwanted conversation. Some people will even keep them on with nothing playing. But we might be underestimating the joy that can come from these social connections.
“I think when we dwell too much on, like, what could happen in a negative way, and we don’t think enough about the positives that can come from it, we really hold ourselves back,” Ury said.
This article originally appeared in The New York Times.
Written by: Gina Cherelus
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