TV: What are they doing in the flowerbeds?

By Fiona Rae

A landscape gardener friend had a recent inquiry on his answer-phone: wanted were a deck, pergola, barbecue area and plants. Lovely. They had $3500 to spend.

"Have you been watching Ground Force?" he gently questioned on returning the call.

"Oh, yes."

Gardening is the new going out, apparently. It's the bomb, it rocks, it's cool. Hell, a survey published in Britain recently (conducted by a trendy new garden design magazine) claimed that one in four women prefers gardening to sex. Four per cent admitted they'd had sex in their gardens.

Perhaps that's why we need the makeover programmes, especially those that feature planting for privacy. Ground Force might have died back for the season, but its success has even forced Maggie's Garden Show to include a make-over segment. But, like a sensible queen bee, Maggie doesn't get involved - she sends in the workers from the Hire a Hubby team.

By contrast, the always-novice Ginette McDonald did get her hands dirty: "I bet Maggie Barry doesn't have to do this," she yelled back at the camera in one episode as she hauled a large tree branch down a steep Wellington driveway.

So what is it exactly about these programmes that brings out the Eion Scarrow within? What's hitting our g-spots?

High on the list is the pick-me factor. Perhaps if we drop enough hints to him/her indoors about the naked section we'll be packed off for a weekend at mum's and return to find the Hubbies or the Forcies at the bottom of the garden and more indoor-outdoor flow than we ever dreamed possible.

Seeing other people's make-overs speaks of possibilities. They give us ideas, unrealistic or otherwise, and we can sit back and vicariously enjoy the hard work. A recent helper confessed her need for strong drink after a weekend with the Ground Force team.

(I wish there was more detail in Fast Eddie's hints, though: "Get your posts right before you pour the concrete," said sage Eddie one week. Er, yes. And they keep getting rid of the washing line and I never see a new one going up.)

Reason three, Ginette McDonald. She's not always funny or even useful but (as she has on occasion demonstrated) she has more personality in her posterior than all the Kerry Smiths and Jane Kieleys can manage face-on to the camera.

I'm pleased to say the tradition of interesting frontpersons for Ground Force has been carried on from the original British version.

Presenter Charlie Dimmock has become Britain's most unlikely sex symbol. Unmadeup, wide-beamed and famously bra-less (even the BBC couldn't get her to don one), Charlie is every chap's girl-next-door bit of totty, according to one newspaper.

But there have certainly been rumblings in Britain about the quick-fix aspect of the makeover programmes.

"Gardening is about investing in the future, not instant gratification," Observer columnist Monty Don stuffily intoned.

Which is where Maggie's Garden Show comes in. Its makeover segment is altogether a more considered affair. The projects are chosen as an illustration of how to overcome specific difficulties - that annoying strip down the side of the house that's a dank walkway in winter, or a north-facing back yard that's just too hot. Owners are consulted, not "surprised." No last-minute dramas here. No mention of how much it costs either - just lots of sponsorship.

As the seasons turn, turn, turn, Maggie's Garden Show will be there reminding us to sow the beans or fling about some blood and bone. It's like lovely living wallpaper.

Just a thought: If we ever de-criminalise marijuana, will the gardening shows do tips for your tips? Now there's a ratings booster.