I DON'T have kids ... yet. In all honesty, I'm not sure if I will.
I can barely look after myself let alone another human being. This morning I used perfume as make up remover, as a result I can't see out of my right eye so I don't know how I will go as a mother.
But, I'm 31 so most of my friends have children.
Here are some of the weirdest things I've seen parents do, (as a childless adult).
THEY SPELL THINGS OUT
"Tanya! Don't mention S.H. O. P. K.I. N. S ... the kids will go wild"
*both kids scream and cry*
"I guess, I'm in S.H.I.T with you now hey? ... I'll see myself out."
THEY MAKE FAKE PHONE CALLS
"If you don't eat your dinner, I'm calling your dance teacher and tell her you're not doing the concert"
*phone isn't on*
THEY WILL TIME YOU
"Go clean up your room, I'll time you."
"Get ready for school, I'll time you."
"Get mum a wine, I'll time you."
THEY CAN HAVE TWO CONVERSATIONS AT THE SAME TIME
"Yeah I can definitely do lunch at Grilld. DON'T LICK THAT ... Do you wanna do 12 or 1? DON'T RIDE THE DOG, I can probably pick you up on the way PUT YOUR UNDIES BACK ON! We could do somewhere with a woodfire pizza STOP KISSING THE DVDS. Tanya, I have to go GET OUT OF THE CAT FOOD IT'S NOT FOR YOU TO EAT! YOU HAVE FRUIT RIGHT THERE - pick you up in 20."
IF THEY HAVE TWO KIDS, MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS THE SAME
"Who wants a pink Easter egg and who wants the blue?"
"Tanya if you don't have two pink Easter eggs for my two girls, this will end in World War Three."
"No, it won't."
*world war three commences*
SAY THINGS ARE BROKEN WHEN THEY AREN'T OR SHOPS ARE CLOSED WHEN THEY AREN'T
"Can't go to Maccas drive through, they are closed, even though it says 24 hours, they are definitely closed."
"We can't watch Frozen, the DVD player is broken, but we can play and watch adult shows."
Parents ... I salute you. You are amazing. This is genius thinking. It's strangely hard work to outsmart child.*
*I know this cause my boyfriend is 7 years younger than me (jokes).