Being able to cry emotionally, and being able to respond to that, is an important part of being human. Photo / Getty Images
Research has found that people who don’t cry experience more negative feelings, such as rage and disgust, than people who do.
I dig my nails into my palms, and take a deep breath. It fools no one, of course, but I never cry at work. I’ll be damned if I will give them my tears.
When I entered the workplace in the late 1980s, crying was perceived as weak by male bosses. There were so few women, we couldn’t afford the luxury of tears. So these days, if I encounter a bully, I’d rather turn off my Zoom camera (the new version of crying in the bathroom) than show emotion.
The funny thing is that I have shed an ocean of tears in my life: when a job offer evaporated; after a dressing down from a boss; when a love affair collapsed; or when I learnt my father had died of a heart attack. But I made sure I never cried in public – and never on the shop floor.
On the political stage, when British politician Rachel Reeves wept at Prime Minister’s Questions this July, the perception for many was that she was fatally weakened.
But I wonder if not crying has held me back in my career. People quite like a weeper – it’s seen as open and honest. If you swallow your tears, people think you’re cold. And it’s happening much more in the workplace than ever before. Last year a Vision Direct study revealed that more than a third of Britons had cried at work at least once in the past year, with 55% citing stress as the trigger. Gen Z was found to be the most likely age group to get weepy in the workplace, with 34% of respondents admitting they’d done so; a stark contrast to the 7% of Boomers who did (I told you Boomers were brought up to be hardcore).
On the flip side, not being able to cry also has its downsides. In his research, clinical psychologist Cord Benecke, a professor at the University of Kassel in Germany, found people who didn’t cry had a tendency to withdraw and described their relationships as less connected. They also experienced more negative feelings, such as rage and disgust, than people who cried.
And researchers from Tilburg University in the Netherlands found people with “dismissive” attachment styles – or those who tend to avoid close relationships with others – were less likely to cry and tried harder to inhibit their tears.
So am I losing out by holding in my emotions in front of others? Are tears actually an evolutionary advantage? And is the old stereotype of crying as a sign of weakness actually changing?
As part of my deep-dive into what tears mean, I consult one of the world’s leading experts in crying. Ad Vingerhoets has spent his career studying the science of tears. In his role as professor of emotions and wellbeing at Tilburg University, he tracks people’s crying episodes to determine the role culture plays in why we cry, and examines the reaction tears trigger in others. His team also explores how crying helps us connect with others by studying those who can’t do it.
“Humans are the only animals whose tears can be triggered by their feelings – emotional tears – and it is only in humans that crying behaviours persist into adulthood,” he explains. “Why is that? What does it bring us?”
Unlike other animals, we take years to fend for ourselves. “We start with the idea that crying has to do with powerlessness, that you need help from others, because you cannot solve the problem. Babies have a limited behavioural capacity, and so they need the help of others. And the function of crying in adults is not so different. So our hypothesis is that powerlessness and frustration is the core. You cry when you are sad and when the sadness is combined with helplessness.”
Tears, biochemically, have a composition similar to saliva. Basal tears are in our eyes all the time, and serve the purpose of lubricating, nourishing and protecting. The second type, called reflex tears, form to protect the eyes from irritants, such as onions. They are released by the large lacrimal glands, located in the upper, outer portion of each eye orbit.
Consultant ophthalmic surgeon Dr Sancy Low explains that crying basal and reflex tears are good for the eyes, but occasionally it signifies a health problem such as blocked tear ducts or inflammation of the eyelids (blepharitis).
The third type are tears spilt after a fight with a partner. Emotional tears are also released from the lacrimal glands, explains Low. “They are produced when we experience strong emotions – in particular, powerlessness or helplessness or when we have lost significant others.” One 1980s study found emotional tears may contain more protein, and this makes them more viscous, so they stick to the skin and run down the face slowly, making them more visible.
For centuries, people thought emotions – especially love – heated the heart, which generated water vapour in order to cool itself down. Finally, in 1662, a Danish scientist named Niels Stensen discovered the lacrimal gland was the proper origin point of tears. But still, emotional crying remains one of the human body’s greater mysteries.
One theory is that tears are actually a form of social signalling, says Vingerhoets. “The very important function of crying is it connects us with others. It promotes empathy.”
Being able to cry emotionally, and being able to respond to that, is an important part of being human. “Though some cultures show more emotion than others,” Low reminds me. “One might consider the release of tears a ‘safety valve’, when emotions, pain or stress have mounted beyond a natural level, tears begin to overflow.”
They may also be a “white flag”, a desire for peace or a stop to conflict in an argument. In 2023, research indicated sniffing women’s tears can reduce testosterone levels and aggression in men.
Vingerhoets’ studies have shown people are more likely to help a person with visible tears. He showed participants images of faces with tears and with them digitally removed and respondents reported being more willing to support people with visible tears.
Scientists still don’t know if crying has any real benefit beyond the physiological, in that tears lubricate the eyes. “We did a study in 37 countries with over 5000 respondents,” says Vingerhoets, “and asked people to tell us all the details about their most recent crying episode. Where were you? Who was with you? But we also asked: ‘How did you feel after that crying episode, compared to before?’ And 50% of people reported mood improvement; 40% said, ‘I feel no difference’, and 10% felt worse.”
He realised a better question would be: “For whom, and in which conditions, is crying beneficial?” That yielded surprising findings. For example, it has to do with what mental shape the crier is in. People who suffer from burnout or depression might cry more often, but hardly ever felt any benefits. So those who need it most do not benefit from their crying.
“The second factor was: what made you cry? We made a global distinction between controllable situations (where you have the capacity to exert and influence, such as being in a conflict situation) versus uncontrollable situations, such as the passing away of a significant other. And we found we mainly report mood improvement in controllable situations.
“A third factor was how others react to your tears. If they respond with understanding and support, you feel better. But if they ridicule or become angry, it’s unlikely you will report relief. What also may be a factor is that if we cry when we are in a very low mood, by definition, 10 minutes later we feel better. That can be misperceived as mood improvement, but it’s just a return to your baseline.”
Vingerhoets cites the example of Barack Obama, the former US President, who cried when he began talking about the young children killed during the 2012 massacre at the Sandy Hook Elementary School in Connecticut. “That made it very strong, because he shared his powerlessness that, even as President, he wasn’t able to do anything about changing the law against the free availability of rifles in the US. Tears can be seen as a sign of sincerity, honesty, authenticity, so that’s the very positive side of tears.”
“Many people cry when they feel frustrated, anxious, or deeply passionate about and invested in their work,” says Eve Poole, an expert in leadership and author of Leadersmithing. “It would help if we could just understand that the tears deployed professionally may be about strength not weakness.”
In today’s world, emotional intelligence is a bonus, not a liability. “I know my tears have helped me in meetings when I’ve been dealing with devastated people,” she says, “to show them I’m upset and that I can hear that they’re hurting, and that it hurts me too, as a fellow member of the human race.”
I’m shocked how different I feel about tears now. Rather than seeing them as an emblem of shame, I’ve learnt that crying signifies a period of intense emotional arousal. Our body is aware of something we are not consciously aware of. But through tears, we learn what is important to us. Tears signal to ourselves – and other people – that there’s a problem that seems beyond our ability to cope. And being honest about that might help us change the situation.
I’m not promising to cry to order in the future. But nor will I feel humiliated if I do – even if it’s in front of others.