The A to Z of motherhood

Learn the A to Zs of having a baby. Photo / Getty Images

You thought giving birth was bad enough? That’s just the start, says new mother Bryony Gordon. Here, two weeks out from the royal baby’s due date, she takes a break between vomit and visitors to prepare the Duchess of Cambridge for the very best and worst of what she should expect. (Be warned: this is not for the squeamish)

If you had told me a year ago that I would end up having a baby at the same time as the Duchess of Cambridge, I would have laughed in your face and told you I was more likely to end up the Queen. But life has a funny way of throwing curve balls at you, and there is no bigger curve ball than motherhood. I don't pretend to know everything about it, and I am learning every day - not since the night before one of my college exams have I taken in such a huge amount of information in such a short space of time - but here, for the royal mother-to-be, is my guide to what she needs to know to survive the first months of the magical journey that is motherhood.

ANTENATAL CLASSES

I learned absolutely nothing from the antenatal classes we signed up for, other than that it is really easy to get a plastic baby through a pretend pelvis. Not so easy when you're doing it for real - I ended up having an emergency caesarean, though my antenatal teacher told us nothing about those. Indeed, it is almost pointless trying to prepare yourself for labour, much more so trying to write a plan. Your body will do what it damn well wants to, and you just have to go along with it, kicking and screaming if you absolutely must. But here's what I did gain from my antenatal classes: friends. For that reason, those antenatal classes were invaluable. A is also for alcohol. You will need it.

BREASTFEEDING

It never occurred to me, before I gave birth, that breastfeeding would be anything other than effortless. Afterwards, as maternity nurses prodded at my boobs and attempted to squeeze colostrum out of my nipples (they ended up getting it out with a sort of syringe thing), I wondered how it could be anything other than impossible. We spent a fortune on "lactation consultants", one of whom told me that, actually, I wasn't going to manage with breastfeeding. It was logistically too hard (I have giant boobs and had to hold my daughter almost behind my back, as if she were a rugby ball) - anyway, I had hardly any milk. I cried at this, but eventually I accepted it. We fed Edie formula, and she has thrived ever since. We reasoned that it was far better for our baby to be fed something - something made by scientists to be optimally nutritious - rather than virtually nothing. The point of this is that breast isn't always best. What is best is what works for you, be it boob or bottle. And don't let anybody tell you otherwise.

COLIC

Colic is the thing all mothers fear most. It is the devil. It is, essentially, consistent crying (from the baby, not you) in the evening. Nobody knows what causes it, other than the baby, and the only way they can try to communicate that with you is by crying even more. It is a nightmare from which you feel you will never wake, partly because you haven't had any sleep in the first place. Like almost everything with a baby this will pass - only to be replaced by some other hassle, such as weaning. You will never know if feeding your little one upright with a special bottle while burping him and running up and down the stairs made any difference at all.

DUMMIES

When you are pregnant you will swear that you'll never use a dummy. Dummies are for the weak-minded. Then, on the fourth night home, you will be so desperate for something - anything - to shut up your little bundle of joy that you will send your other half out in the middle of the night to the nearest 24-hour pharmacy to buy a packet of dummies. The baby will be very happy with the dummy. But then it will fall out of baby's mouth, and baby will no longer be happy.

Baby will wail and wail. You put the dummy back in. Baby pops the dummy back out. And so on and on.

ENDLESS VISITORS

When I first got home from hospital, I thought I would be fine with visitors. Turns out, I was wrong. I cried at the stress that came with attending to the first two groups of well-wishers, and then I stopped answering the door or the phone - for at least two weeks, until my other half went back to work, which is when you suddenly really need visitors. And soon I realised that everyone falls into one of two camps: the people who bring you food and the people who eat your food. I'm still trying to forgive the latter.

FATHERS

I had this problem at first. It was that I had given up my body for our baby, and now I was supposed to give up my career too? Meanwhile, the other half swanned off to work every morning for a relaxing day in the office. I count down the minutes and seconds until he returns and cry when he is 16 minutes late. Then, when he gets home, he moans about how tired he is. At which point I give him two options: a divorce (though we're not even married yet), or doing the 10pm "dream feed". It's simple, really.

GUIDEBOOKS

There are so many tomes on parenting that you could go cross-eyed reading them. We bought them all, and have so far had time to read about three pages of each. Instead, I Google problems on my phone while I am feeding. Then I ignore what I find on Google. It's just easier that way.

HEALTH VISITORS

I met our health visitor once. She talked to me about postnatal depression and breastfeeding and contraception. (What were we using when we got pregnant? Erm, nothing, hence the baby.) Then she left, and we've never been in touch again. Still, she did tell me about a local mum's group, which I go to weekly for the company of other new mothers. It's where I start to feel sane again. I'd advise finding one yourself as soon as possible.

IMMUNISATIONS

Don't be scared of these - they will hurt the baby in the short term but protect them in the long term. Whooping cough and tuberculosis may seem Dickensian, but they are very real and very dangerous. So get your child vaccinated. Okay, that's the serious bit over with.

JAUNDICE

Jaundice terrified me. With her orangey glow, my daughter looked like she'd spent months in a tanning booth instead of my tummy. Again, don't be too concerned by it. Edie was back to looking as pale as her mother within a week, and now we worry about the possibility of sunburn instead. There's always something.

KEGELS

If you ended up with stitches after childbirth, then these are a really good idea. As this is a family magazine, I won't go into details, but I'm sure one of the hundreds of guidebooks you have inevitably bought will help you. Enjoy!

LAUNDRY

Pre-baby, you did two washes a week and they were all colours. Post-baby, you will do several white washes a day. (Why are babygrows never black? Because everything would show up on them.) Your life becomes one long wash cycle. As we don't have a tumble dryer, our flat is like a Chinese laundry. I only wish I'd invested in shares in an eco cleaning company.

MUSLINS

Aka little squares of cotton that mop up drool and sick and anything else your little angel should care to deposit on you. We had eight when Edie was born - 11 weeks on we have 60 and counting. Repeat after me: You. Can. Never. Have. Too. Many. Muslins.

NIGHT-TIME TV

Since giving birth, I have watched six seasons of Gossip Girl, all of House of Cards, and I have just got into 24. You will spend so much time on the sofa feeding your baby that good television is really, really essential.

ORGANIC

I just knew I was going to be an Earth mother. I was going to wipe my baby's bottom with cotton wool and water and never, ever put Sudocrem on it. I was never going to give her baby drugs, such as Infacol and gripe water (essentials, by the way, for a colicky baby). And then I gave birth, and things changed ... Don't be afraid to embrace these things.

PRAMS

Buying a pram was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. Would it be a Bugaboo or an iCandy or a Quinny? In the end we went for a Bugaboo, because everyone else in our part of town had one and we didn't want to be shunned by other parents. For the price, we could have bought a new car. It didn't even come with a nanny to push it, or a particularly useful manual to put it together. Our daughter won't go down in it without bursting into tears, either - this means I end up putting her in the sling (see S), and filling the pram with alcohol and formula at the supermarket. It is essentially the world's most expensive shopping trolley.

QUALITY TIME

HAHAHAHAHAHA. My boyfriend and I have attempted this, with my mother coming round to babysit. We go out for dinner and half an hour later decide to return home because we are tired and want to use Granny night care as an excuse to catch up on sleep. Still, becoming parents has changed our relationship, and in a good way. We have seen new, incredible sides to one another. Even if our quality time is just a cuddle as we fall into deep sleep, it's still a million times more meaningful than it was before we had our daughter. Awww.

RECEIVING CONTACT FROM THE OUTSIDE WORLD

The postie will become the person you see almost as much as your baby. Every morning he will arrive with a sack of cards and parcels from friends and family. Befriend him - he may be the only adult company you have all day.

SLINGS AND SWADDLES

Buy a sling (we got the BabyBjorn Miracle). The baby will fall asleep in it and your hands will be free to do laundry and sterilise bottles. You will also be able to go to the loo - bonus - with the baby calmly attached to you. Swaddles are brilliant in the first weeks. Swaddling a baby will make them think they are back in the womb, and they will sleep. Sadly, not everyone can swaddle - I leave it to my boyfriend. If, like me, you can't do it, you can always zip them into a Woombie (available from thesleepstore.co.nz), which my friend Chloe helpfully described as looking like "baby's first straitjacket". Whatever. It works.

TWINS

I have only two words for you: Good. Luck.

UNTIDINESS

It amazes me that I can spend the whole day doing laundry and sterilising bottles and picking up dirty muslins - and yet the house is still a total tip. It's like a bomb has gone off in a Mothercare factory. Please employ a cleaner. It is not a luxury.

VOMIT

I would have run a mile from sick pre-pregnancy, but now I embrace it. I have to - it is in my hair, on my clothes, all over the sofa. It's incredible how little fluids bother you once you are a mother. One day I realised I had a tiny bit of baby poo on my thumb after changing Edie. And do you know what I did? I licked it off, because she was crying and there were no wipes to hand. This is how much you will love your child.

WHITE NOISE

Another mother told me this was great for colicky babies, as it reminds them of being in the womb. And it's true - it is great. Type "baby colic white noise" into YouTube and a whole world of videos opens up. Edie particularly likes the 12-hour-long video of a man vacuuming. The neighbours must think we are real clean freaks.

XANADU

According to babynames.com, Xanadu means "Mongolian city". You can call your baby almost anything - Apple, Harper, Edie. Also, remember that until you've registered your baby, you can change her name as often as you like.

YOGA

I tried this during pregnancy in the hope of picking up techniques to get through the birth. In the end, the only technique I needed was the ability to suck on gas and air. I have all these yoga DVDs to watch now that I'm no longer pregnant, but no time to exercise. Which brings me to something important: please don't worry about your weight. Nine months up, nine months down. Remember to respect your body: it has just done the most incredible thing.

ZZZZZZZ...

Don't believe it when people say that you will get no sleep. You will - it will just be a bit different. I didn't sleep at all when I was pregnant, but as soon as I gave birth my slumber was deep and lovely. Edie and I sleep at the same time during the day.

She may wake up at 5am, but after that we go back to sleep until 10am. Anyway, who needs sleep when you've got your gorgeous baby? Cheesy, but oh-so-true.