Out there in telly land must exist a book of cliffhangers for scriptwriters. All of the possible permutations involve a car crash and horrible injuries. Most of the possible permutations involve a car crash, horrible injuries and a missing person.
So, you could have been forgiven for confusing Smallville's (7.30pm, TV2) end of season cliffhanger with Shortland Street's end of season cliffhanger.
Shorty's involved a car crash and a chick. Smallville's involved a chick and a car crash. Shorty's involved drink-driving. Smallville's involved a tornado.
You don't see boozing on Smallville. You don't see tornados - unless you include Rachel's temper - on Shorty.
Last year's Smallville cliffhanger involved Rachel driving drunk and Dr Chris about to embark on an affair with ... Oh. No. Sorry, that was Shorty.
What happened in Smallville - and in case you're not in possession of a supermemory, the first hour is actually a repeat of last season's cliffhanger - was that lovely Lana was involved in a car crash and Superboy Clark Kent was thinking about kissing the also-lovely Chloe. All the girls in Smallville are sweetie pies.
Meanwhile, Mr Kent was in the clutches of the nattily named nasty journalist, Nixon. Now, he's gone missing. Will Clark find him in time? Will there be a catwomen fight between brunette Lana and blonde Chloe?
Will Clark be forced to reveal his superpowers?
It's impossible to dislike Smallville despite its less than super script. In Smallville, to the accompaniment of crashing buildings, you have characters saying things like: "Did you hear anything?"
You also have nasty Nixon saying things like: "Since the beginning of time, people have been looking up at the stars and wondering what's out there". Which is rather unfortunate given the shuttle disaster and makes you wonder whether President Bush's speechwriter is moonlighting as a scriptwriter on Smallville.
Smallville is small-town America where, when a boy signs up for the Marines, he leaves on a Greyhound bus. And has one last slow dance to soppy music with the girl before he leaves. It's a place where boys give girls corsages to wear at the spring formal. It's like Happy Days without the super bad jokes.
Even the nasties are pretty tame. Says Nixon to Mr Kent (in Smallville you don't call the grown-ups by their first names): "You have the most amazing being on Earth and you have him doing chores on your farm. He's not even your son, you deluded hick."
No tights, no flights, is the Smallville mantra. This superhero is all teenage angst and white teeth. Bit of a rip-off, though, being a teenage superhero with x-ray vision and not being able to use your powers to see though girls' clothes.
No sex, no zits. Our superhero is just your average clean-cut all American boy - from an alien place which looks like the 1950s.
Dad's advice to little Clark is: "Do your chores. Don't use your abilities."
Famous last words. Tonight, Dad's in trouble and what's the point of having a superhero son if he can't turn over buildings and defeat villains to save your life?
The point is that once our boy gets started, there's no telling where all this will end. Give a teenager some superpowers and the next thing you know he'll be using that x-ray vision to check out girls' underwear.
You won't, alas, find that sort of carry-on happening in Smallville.
Lifestyle
