Six reasons I hate cafés

The cafe culture isn't everyone's cup of tea. Photo / Thinkstock

We're supposed to be a café society. One New Zealand tourism website devotes an entire page to our so called "Café Culture". I must have missed the memo about this because I am really not a fan. I only visit them if I have to. Going to a café is certainly not my idea of a fun recreational activity.

Now, cafes should not be confused with restaurants. Despite the occasional measured criticism, I adore having dinner at a good restaurant and Auckland is flush with them at the moment: Chinese, Indian, Italian, Japanese, Malaysian, Mexican, Thai and Vietnamese are all on my list.

If, however, an establishment has a predictable occidental-style menu, closes in the late afternoon, has free WiFi and piles of newspapers, has highchairs for little ones and offers a range of cabinet food, then, in my estimation, it is a café and should be approached with caution. Here are six reasons why cafés just don't excite me.

1: I don't drink coffee

I can see that if you were a coffee aficionado, you'd be keen on a good café. However, I gave up coffee many years ago. Tea is now my drink of choice - and I don't relish paying $3.50 in a café for a teabag and cup of hot water. I'd sooner have a nice cup of tea at home for free. I really would.

2: Some people conduct business in cafés

Meetings and interviews are often held in cafés. Some people even write and make sales calls from their local café. JK Rowling may have famously penned Harry Potter's adventures in an Edinburgh café but I reckon this trend towards using cafés as workspaces has a negative impact on the vibe of the establishment. Cafés, traditionally, were for socialising, connecting with others and relaxing. Now, thanks to laptops and WiFi, their appeal has diminished as they have transformed into places where business is done.

3: Cafés try to be all things to all people

Their all-encompassing nature explains their uninspired offerings. I've always thought that businesses were supposed to identify their target market and position themselves accordingly. But cafés seem to specialise in attracting a broad range of people. In a single café you'll find yummy mummies, househusbands, children, students, business people, tradespeople and retired folk. Such a hodgepodge clientele just seems wishy-washy and haphazard. Cafés seem to moderately please the masses without actually delighting anyone. It's a halfhearted business model that lacks focus and excitement.

4: Cafés have light-fingered patrons

When I lived in Christchurch I used to buy the Sunday newspapers and head to a central bagel place for breakfast. (Strictly speaking, I'm not sure it was a café but let's pretend it was.) Anyway, I quickly learnt to keep my newspaper in a plastic bag and remove just one section at a time to read. Once, when I naively had the entire pristine newspaper neatly folded on the table right in front of me, it was stolen before my very eyes. Yes, I did explain to this opportunistic patron that it was my own personal copy but I was too wussy to demand it be returned.

5: Café food is a bit lacklustre

I don't know many foods that improve by sitting around all day in a cabinet. Indeed, it is my view that sandwiches, in particular, should be consumed almost as soon as they are made. I'd have to be pretty desperate to choose an item from a café's cabinet. And I would never select a muffin or scone that's not even covered. It's a mystery why some cafés leave fresh-baked goods open to contamination. As for the menus, they are usually striking only in their uncanny similarity to the menu of every other café in town. There's all-day breakfast, muesli and eggs Benedict. Whoever would have thought? The rest of the offering is just as cookie-cutter: BLT? Check. Caesar salad? Check. What a yawn. I'd sooner have a poached egg on toast at home washed down by a free cup of tea (see point one above).

6: Cafés are noisy

Cafés have bad acoustics. Thanks to hard floors, high ceilings, scraping chairs and constant chatter, they're generally not very soothing places. I've interviewed people in cafés. (Shock. Horror. See point two above.) It was never my choice. On one occasion I could hear only the clanging of the coffee machine on the recording when I got home. When another subject suggested we meet at a Kingsland café, I decided it was too noisy for us to talk properly. So we had our conversation sitting outside on a sunny bench down the street. That was the day I finally realised that cafés leave me cold. I really don't see the attraction.

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