The intersection of gender diversity and neurodiversity: What are we missing? – No Such Thing as Normal

The intersection of gender diversity and neurodiversity can be a complex space to navigate. Photo / Unsplash

One night in 2016, Richard went in to say goodnight to his oldest child. As he was leaving the room he heard, “Dad, I think I’m a boy.”

“I didn’t really react much in that moment,” Richard says. “I just gave them a hug and went to bed.”

Richard’s child is assigned female at birth (AFAB) and is now in his 20s, living happily as a man. But his story is about more than gender identity; neurodivergence is a big part of the picture too.

Richard is a guest on the latest episode of No Such Thing as Normal, which looks at the intersection of gender diversity and neurodiversity. The overlap of autism and ADHD with gender-diverse profiles like non-binary or trans is increasingly common. In a recent New Zealand survey of the trans and non-binary community, more than 60% of respondents self-identified as neurodivergent.

It’s natural to ask why this overlap might exist, but that is not the focus of this podcast episode. Instead, it looks at the experience of life at this intersection, and the role families play in supporting an individual.

Clinical psychologist Dr Sarah Watson says it’s important to remember that adolescence is a time of identity formation for all children.

“We don’t just wake up at 14 and go, ‘oh, it’s this’,” she says.

“Identity is a process … and why shouldn’t gender be part of that? It’s not unusual for some people to go, ‘I am a she’, and be that for a while, and then it can change … and that’s okay, too.”

For neurodivergent young people, that process can be even more complex. One possible piece of the puzzle is interoception, which is the body’s ability to sense internal states like hunger, temperature, or a general feeling of “right-ness”.

That internal signalling can be different for some people, particularly those on the autism spectrum.

“It’s an embodied experience,” Watson says. “For some, they need to get to a point where it feels right. Because that sense is either going to be right or it’s not.”

But she’s clear this isn’t a simple equation.

“If we say autism and gender identity go hand in hand, we’re being reductionist,” she says. “This is about individual experience.”

What does make a consistent difference is support and understanding from those close to you. Podcast host Sonia Gray says what stood out to her while producing the episode was how important support and validation from parents is.

“The negative mental health statistics for these young people are shocking,” she says. “But the one thing that seems to make a huge difference is when parents are playing a supportive role – it can be a protective factor”.

Of course, giving that support isn’t always easy. Parents are often balancing fear, uncertainty, and the weight of decisions that can feel life-altering.

“It’s okay to be anxious, it’s okay to be confused,” Watson says. “The key is to walk alongside your child. Not rush ahead, and not shut things down.”

And Watson is speaking from first-hand experience. Her daughter Abby is neurodivergent and transgender. The road wasn’t always easy, and still isn’t, but Abby is diplomatic when she describes the challenges of navigating an often unwelcoming world.

“People are always going to be confused about what they don’t understand,” Abby says. “But this isn’t a choice”.

And Richard, whose son went through the transition, agrees.

“You can’t go through life as someone that you’re not,” Richard says. “It’s just not possible. It’s too hard.”

But he says not everyone is understanding.

“Our circle of friends shrank going through this experience. Not because people rejected us, but they didn’t want their children hanging out with a trans kid … there was this fear that other teenagers who were a little bit on the spectrum might catch ‘trans-cooties’.”

Now, 10 years on, Richard is clearly very proud of his son: “He’s gregarious, engaging, intelligent … this is who he was meant to be.”

In the end, Gray says, the episode isn’t really about labels or diagnoses.

“Ultimately, it’s about authenticity, and the immense courage it can take just to be who you really are.”

No Such Thing as Normal is an NZ Herald podcast, hosted by Sonia Gray, with new episodes available every Saturday.

Made with the support of NZ on Air.

You can listen to it on iHeartRadio, Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts.