What makes a relationship last? Photo / Getty Images
Advice includes: Love your spouse as they are, not who you hope they’ll be. Talk about sex. Don’t try to win arguments.
I’m an amateur matchmaker who doesn’t charge for my services. I’ve set up 30 couples who ended up marrying, and I was paid back with the good karma of being fixed up with my own husband. This week we’ll celebrate 29 years together, yet I remain confounded why certain unions blossom while others descend into breakup misery. Studies show happy couples live longer, yet about 43% of first marriages in the United States wind up in divorce. What makes a relationship last? I asked experts who’ve been married a long time to share insight.
I used to get caught up in proving I was right. “You can be very right and very alone,” explained our couples therapist Frederick Woolverton, now a psychologist who lives in Fayetteville, Arkansas, with his wife of 31 years. “The goal is mutual understanding and change that benefits you both.” Emmanuel Mandel, a retired Maryland psychotherapist who wed 67 years ago, said avoid criticising and blaming: “Focus on fixing the problem, not the person.”
A marriage can give you traditional elements: family life, companionship, economic support and social status, according to psychotherapist Esther Perel, who recently marked her 40th wedding anniversary. “But we now also want our partners to be a best friend, a trusted confidant and a passionate lover to boot … a romantic ambition that one person will give us what an entire village used to provide,” she said. It’s more realistic to have some separate friendships, colleagues and social connections that take the pressure off your spouse to satisfy your every need.
“An overreliance on your partner for your wellbeing and day-to-day schedule is problematic,” said Manhattan LCSW Patricia Gross, who has been married for 37 years. Whether it’s your career, hobbies, spirituality, fitness or charity, take responsibility for making your life worth living. That’s especially important when you have opposite personalities, according to Jerry Portwood, editor of the Queer Love Project, who has been with his husband for 24 years. They have lived apart at times to pursue their careers. “When we both went for our dreams, our relationship thrived,” he said.
“Everyone knows the expert advice that your individual good health is dependent on preventive measures like eating right, sleeping well, exercising and seeing your doctor and dentist regularly. Doing those things for yourself are essential for the health of your marriage, too,” said Doreen Oliver, a New Jersey writer-performer married for 23 years whose work tackles issues of race, family and raising an autistic son.
“Any untreated psychiatric disorder – like anxiety, depression, bipolarity, addiction – in either partner greatly increases chances of separation and divorce. Seeking professional support can make all the difference, whether it’s couples or individual therapy,” explained psychiatrist Vatsal Thakkar, who lives in Westport, Connecticut, with his wife of 19 years. “Relationships need ongoing work and tending, and sometimes outside assistance,” he said. The counsellor can be a religious leader or anyone you both agree on and trust.
“Instead of going out, plan time going in,” suggested author and psychologist Diana Kirschner, who lives in Florida with her husband of 55 years. “Be vulnerable and express what you want in the bedroom and be open and willing to try to please your partner,” she said, adding that sex should be fun, safe and consensual.
“First, only marry someone you like and respect at their core. Beauty and success are transitory,” said Kristen Underhill, a psychiatrist in Chicago married for 36 years. “You can be your own person while aligning as a team with a shared vision. It can be raising kids, career ambitions, philanthropy or travel. You don’t have to be in lockstep to show a generosity of feeling, support and trust.”
“Instead of lashing out in anger, I’d write my spouse a letter explaining why I was hurt and put it on his desk,” recalled Valerie Wilson Wesley, a Manhattan author married for 51 years who penned a dating column when she was executive editor at Essence magazine. “Putting what was wrong into words allowed me to get what I was feeling straight. He’d usually take a few days to mull it over before he’d respond with his own letter, often starting with “I’m sorry,” explaining his side. Then we’d forgive each other.”
Susan Shapiro is the author of the memoirs Five Men Who Broke My Heart and The Forgiveness Tour.