Downunder fantasies turn into nightmares

By MICHELE HEWITSON

A funny thing happens when British telly dramas relocate to Sydney. In British tellyland absolutely everyone in Sydders has a sea view, loads of dosh and spends their time dining al fresco on barbecued prawns.

Oh well, Cold Feet (TV One, 8.30pm) has always been fond of little dream sequences. Tonight's series final has the air of one enormous dream sequence about it. And dream sequences on Cold Feet have a tendency to end in nightmare.

Pete and Jo's dream wedding? Don't be daft.

Jo's dad turns out to be another as-written-by-British-scriptwriters Aussie cliche. He's a bit of a bastard who has made the money to buy his sea view by wheeling and dealing in property.

Sweet-but-a-bit-simple Pete's on the back foot from the moment they meet. Possibly because he's naked when they first meet.

Those nightmare scenes? Tonight (and this is not a plot-spoiler but a warning in the interests of public safety) we get to see Pete's bum. In long, lingering detail.

Pete wouldn't sleep with Jo for ages because he wanted to spare her the sight. The makers of Cold Feet have not been so kind to us. Run, Jo, run.

Actually, I much prefer Pete's lard rear to Karen's razor-sharp clavicles. Pity poor old David, whose main crime is that he's a drip who doesn't do fantasy sequences, having to cuddle up to a whinger with weapons for body parts.

Tonight, David's booked a luxury apartment - the Sydney harbour bridge looms outside the window - in an attempt to woo Karen back.

He buys her jewels. He takes her to the opera. Does he get any thanks? Oh, ha, ha.

Here she is whinging on again: "For two years I've felt like I was drowning and David was holding me under."

Here's my ideal fantasy sequence for an episode set in Sydney: David treats Karen to the harbour bridge walk and something goes terribly wrong with her harness. She's drowning and the collective will of the audience is holding her under. Bye-bye, Karen.

Meanwhile, Adam is having a little fantasy, involving Rachel's lesbian sister. As usual, Adam's little fantasy is going to involve annoying the hell out of Rachel: "Because he's bloody stupid and he doesn't think things through".

Nothing new there, then. God only knows why they had to drag the entire cast all the way to Australia. You can take this lot out of Manchester but they'll still be moaning, angst-ridden and selfish.

No doubt they'll be back and Adam will go on smirking and fantasising, Pete's bum will get fatter, David will continue being pathetic while keeping a stiff upper-lip. And Karen?

Here's another little fantasy: Karen will leave the show for a starring role in Footballers' Wives, playing a scrawny, snobby, clotheshorse whose name is ... Karen.