By the time you're reading this, you'll be three days into freedom so I know you don't need this column anymore – but before I say goodbye, I have just one last bit of (unsolicited) advice.
I hope you ran in slow motion towards your friends and family whom you've been separated from for nearly two months - and I hope you leapt into their arms dramatically and smooched them all over like that airport scene in Love Actually.
I hope you've got all dressed up, gone out for dinner and eaten overpriced fancy food that someone else cooked for you. And for the love of God, I hope you've been able to get an appointment with your hairdresser because I'm still on a six-week waiting list so am understandably also still on a self-imposed lockdown.
• Social Distancing in The City: Why it's fine to have achieved nothing in lockdown
• Social Distancing in The City - How to cope with the lockdown 'Hell Zone'
• Social Distancing in The City - How to sex up your long-distance relationship during lockdown
• Social Distancing in the City: 3 ways lockdown may be messing with your head
But for all those things I hope you've done now that we're finally free, there are also a few valuable things we did during lockdown that I truly hope you continue back in the Real World.
Because although lockdown absolutely sucked most of the time, I reckon there were a few good bits about being on home detention – and they should stay.
1. Stay in touch
I know, I know – if you never have to join another Zoom call or HouseParty party again it'll be too soon. But just because we've all gone back to our normal lives and we're not all at our wits' end anymore - don't let all that good friend, pen-palling go to waste.
Keep checking in on your mates regularly – remember, they were there for you when you couldn't get your roots done and you looked like Cruella.
2. Keep wearing your elasticated clothes
I've said it once and I'll say it again, bra underwire has no place in the comfort of your own home - and if lockdown's taught us anything, it's that quality of life improves drastically when your clothes have elasticated waistbands.
Now by no means am I suggesting you wear pyjamas 24/7, but I'm personally not going back to wearing rib-crushingly tight dresses and jeans I have to lie down to put on anymore – and neither should you.
Life's simply too short to have that red welty line across your stomach from your jeans cutting in.
3. Keep PROPERLY Communicating
God, remember that horrifying time back in lockdown when we had no choice but to work through conflicts with our partners because we were trapped in the same Shawshank cell with them, unable to storm out in a huff and leave things unresolved for days?
Yeah, keep doing that. That was great.
4. Keep up the romantic grand gestures
Oh my GOD, and remember when we didn't have stuff like florists or fancy dinners at The French Cafe as a way of wooing our dates so we had to get thoughtful and creative? We had to start writing cards, and baking crap for people, and dropping them off our favourite (sanitised) books as a way of showing them how much we love them?
Keep doing that too, that was cute.
5. Keep up the little neighbourhood jaunts
I know, I know – you're gagging to get back to your F45, you sicko. But also don't forget how lovely it was to swap your hideous burpees for slow, relaxing strolls around the streets. Keep doing those.
6. Be less of a yes person
Although I hope you're currently hungover while you read this because you went to a hectic house party with all your friends last night and got absolutely wrecked – I also want you to remember how utterly freeing it was when your calendar was completely bare and you spent two months watching Netflix on the couch.
I for one won't be rushing back to accepting every invite that comes my way anymore, leaving me a sleep-deprived and run-down cicada husk – and I strongly urge you to follow my lead.
7. No more "soldiering on:"
I'm obviously not stoked it took a pandemic to teach us this but we have to start using our sick days, guys.
Stop knocking back a handful of Codral and going to work anyway because you don't want anyone to think you're just hungover or you're faking it. If you're sick, stay home. Heck even if you are hungover, I reckon stay home. Jacinda said so! (sort of).
8. Keep feeling your feelings
And I'm sure I don't need you to remind you of the lockdown Hell Zone. You know, those couple of days when you had absolute meltdowns and lay on the floor sobbing into a bowl of mi goreng because it was all too hard and boring and Groundhog Day-y? And you couldn't even go shopping or get a manicure to distract yourself?
That was great though! Whenever you're next having a meltdown, pretend you're still in lockdown, lean into the misery pit and feel all those crap feels – don't suffocate them with retail therapy.
Once you've processed your sadness and have no tears left to cry, a la Ariana Grande, you may then go buy a top from Zara.