"Toot toot chugga chugga big red car." If I died tomorrow those may be my final words. We've been watching a lot of Wiggles in my house. Not because I particularly like them, though I do think Emma and Simon are wonderful performers, but because Greta loves them.
Greta is my 19-month-old daughter. Finding things she loves is an exciting game. Except it's a game that only lasts about 10 minutes before she stops loving them and wants a new thing. Except the Wiggles. She loves the Wiggles for as long as they're on. She does
Staying at home is weird. Every day just before 1pm, my wife Kim and I guess the number of new cases. She's much better at it than I am.
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On Saturday it was my dad's 72nd birthday. We were supposed to all go over and have dinner at his house but after the Prime Minister's address to the nation said that all over-70s should lock-down and not be visited, we decided to give it a miss.
My mum had ordered his favourite meat - beef olives - from the butcher, and got him a birthday cake made. So I put on some rubber gloves and picked everything up. Then I stood outside their house and passed the goods through the window. In writing this column I just looked up what a beef olive is. It doesn't actually have olives in it.
We didn't get to go for dinner. But later that night we did get a video in the family WhatsApp chat group of Dad with his birthday cake and mum singing happy birthday. It was both sweet and sad.
Sweet and sad. That's life at the moment. Sweet and sad and dull. Sweet and sad and dull and Wiggles. Sweet, sad, dull, Wiggles, scary.
So in among all of those words we should try and inject a little bit of kindness. And connection. I don't mean kindly stroke my face in a loving way. There's to be none of that thank you. But let's chat on Twitter, or Whatsapp or whatever you use.
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I talked online about setting up mass video conferences where someone presents something they know or love for 30 minutes or so. That seemed like a really popular idea. I'm seeing people springing up with ideas to keep us occupied and engaged. These are way better than a bunch of celebrities making karaoke videos.
Please, if you're famous, don't make a karaoke video. I have three requests for famous or influential people, don't make karaoke videos, don't spread panic, and use your platforms and reach for good. We all need it.
A friend of mine suggested this will tragically be the end of fondue parties. I have literally been to one fondue party in my life. If this is the end of them then I think I will cope with the loss. But my friend seemed sad about it. She must really love cheese.
It might also be the end of my wife annoyingly not wanting a drink when I ask her if she wants me to buy her one but then taking some of mine. "Oh I didn't want a whole one" she'll say. Yes but I bloody did. It will be the time of no fondue but our own individual
Greta is only 19 months old, so I don't think she can play Settlers of Catan with Kim and me yet. But we'll find exciting things for her to do. She gets excited if I put my hands in front of (but not touching) my face and then reveal my face with a big loud BOO! She also has a nap for a couple of hours in the day and then sleeps for 12 hours in the night. I reckon Greta might actually know the best way forward out of all of us. Toot toot chugga chugga indeed.