NZ Herald
  • Home
  • Latest news
  • Herald NOW
  • Video
  • New Zealand
  • Sport
  • World
  • Business
  • Entertainment
  • Podcasts
  • Quizzes
  • Opinion
  • Lifestyle
  • Travel
  • Viva
  • Weather

Subscriptions

  • Herald Premium
  • Viva Premium
  • The Listener
  • BusinessDesk

Sections

  • Latest news
  • New Zealand
    • All New Zealand
    • Crime
    • Politics
    • Education
    • Open Justice
    • Scam Update
  • Herald NOW
  • On The Up
  • World
    • All World
    • Australia
    • Asia
    • UK
    • United States
    • Middle East
    • Europe
    • Pacific
  • Business
    • All Business
    • MarketsSharesCurrencyCommoditiesStock TakesCrypto
    • Markets with Madison
    • Media Insider
    • Business analysis
    • Personal financeKiwiSaverInterest ratesTaxInvestment
    • EconomyInflationGDPOfficial cash rateEmployment
    • Small business
    • Business reportsMood of the BoardroomProject AucklandSustainable business and financeCapital markets reportAgribusiness reportInfrastructure reportDynamic business
    • Deloitte Top 200 Awards
    • CompaniesAged CareAgribusinessAirlinesBanking and financeConstructionEnergyFreight and logisticsHealthcareManufacturingMedia and MarketingRetailTelecommunicationsTourism
  • Opinion
    • All Opinion
    • Analysis
    • Editorials
    • Business analysis
    • Premium opinion
    • Letters to the editor
  • Politics
  • Sport
    • All Sport
    • OlympicsParalympics
    • RugbySuper RugbyNPCAll BlacksBlack FernsRugby sevensSchool rugby
    • CricketBlack CapsWhite Ferns
    • Racing
    • NetballSilver Ferns
    • LeagueWarriorsNRL
    • FootballWellington PhoenixAuckland FCAll WhitesFootball FernsEnglish Premier League
    • GolfNZ Open
    • MotorsportFormula 1
    • Boxing
    • UFC
    • BasketballNBABreakersTall BlacksTall Ferns
    • Tennis
    • Cycling
    • Athletics
    • SailingAmerica's CupSailGP
    • Rowing
  • Lifestyle
    • All Lifestyle
    • Viva - Food, fashion & beauty
    • Society Insider
    • Royals
    • Sex & relationships
    • Food & drinkRecipesRecipe collectionsRestaurant reviewsRestaurant bookings
    • Health & wellbeing
    • Fashion & beauty
    • Pets & animals
    • The Selection - Shop the trendsShop fashionShop beautyShop entertainmentShop giftsShop home & living
    • Milford's Investing Place
  • Entertainment
    • All Entertainment
    • TV
    • MoviesMovie reviews
    • MusicMusic reviews
    • BooksBook reviews
    • Culture
    • ReviewsBook reviewsMovie reviewsMusic reviewsRestaurant reviews
  • Travel
    • All Travel
    • News
    • New ZealandNorthlandAucklandWellingtonCanterburyOtago / QueenstownNelson-TasmanBest NZ beaches
    • International travelAustraliaPacific IslandsEuropeUKUSAAfricaAsia
    • Rail holidays
    • Cruise holidays
    • Ski holidays
    • Luxury travel
    • Adventure travel
  • Kāhu Māori news
  • Environment
    • All Environment
    • Our Green Future
  • Talanoa Pacific news
  • Property
    • All Property
    • Property Insider
    • Interest rates tracker
    • Residential property listings
    • Commercial property listings
  • Health
  • Technology
    • All Technology
    • AI
    • Social media
  • Rural
    • All Rural
    • Dairy farming
    • Sheep & beef farming
    • Horticulture
    • Animal health
    • Rural business
    • Rural life
    • Rural technology
    • Opinion
    • Audio & podcasts
  • Weather forecasts
    • All Weather forecasts
    • Kaitaia
    • Whangārei
    • Dargaville
    • Auckland
    • Thames
    • Tauranga
    • Hamilton
    • Whakatāne
    • Rotorua
    • Tokoroa
    • Te Kuiti
    • Taumaranui
    • Taupō
    • Gisborne
    • New Plymouth
    • Napier
    • Hastings
    • Dannevirke
    • Whanganui
    • Palmerston North
    • Levin
    • Paraparaumu
    • Masterton
    • Wellington
    • Motueka
    • Nelson
    • Blenheim
    • Westport
    • Reefton
    • Kaikōura
    • Greymouth
    • Hokitika
    • Christchurch
    • Ashburton
    • Timaru
    • Wānaka
    • Oamaru
    • Queenstown
    • Dunedin
    • Gore
    • Invercargill
  • Meet the journalists
  • Promotions & competitions
  • OneRoof property listings
  • Driven car news

Puzzles & Quizzes

  • Puzzles
    • All Puzzles
    • Sudoku
    • Code Cracker
    • Crosswords
    • Cryptic crossword
    • Wordsearch
  • Quizzes
    • All Quizzes
    • Morning quiz
    • Afternoon quiz
    • Sports quiz

Regions

  • Northland
    • All Northland
    • Far North
    • Kaitaia
    • Kerikeri
    • Kaikohe
    • Bay of Islands
    • Whangarei
    • Dargaville
    • Kaipara
    • Mangawhai
  • Auckland
  • Waikato
    • All Waikato
    • Hamilton
    • Coromandel & Hauraki
    • Matamata & Piako
    • Cambridge
    • Te Awamutu
    • Tokoroa & South Waikato
    • Taupō & Tūrangi
  • Bay of Plenty
    • All Bay of Plenty
    • Katikati
    • Tauranga
    • Mount Maunganui
    • Pāpāmoa
    • Te Puke
    • Whakatāne
  • Rotorua
  • Hawke's Bay
    • All Hawke's Bay
    • Napier
    • Hastings
    • Havelock North
    • Central Hawke's Bay
    • Wairoa
  • Taranaki
    • All Taranaki
    • Stratford
    • New Plymouth
    • Hāwera
  • Manawatū - Whanganui
    • All Manawatū - Whanganui
    • Whanganui
    • Palmerston North
    • Manawatū
    • Tararua
    • Horowhenua
  • Wellington
    • All Wellington
    • Kapiti
    • Wairarapa
    • Upper Hutt
    • Lower Hutt
  • Nelson & Tasman
    • All Nelson & Tasman
    • Motueka
    • Nelson
    • Tasman
  • Marlborough
  • West Coast
  • Canterbury
    • All Canterbury
    • Kaikōura
    • Christchurch
    • Ashburton
    • Timaru
  • Otago
    • All Otago
    • Oamaru
    • Dunedin
    • Balclutha
    • Alexandra
    • Queenstown
    • Wanaka
  • Southland
    • All Southland
    • Invercargill
    • Gore
    • Stewart Island
  • Gisborne

Media

  • Video
    • All Video
    • NZ news video
    • Herald NOW
    • Business news video
    • Politics news video
    • Sport video
    • World news video
    • Lifestyle video
    • Entertainment video
    • Travel video
    • Markets with Madison
    • Kea Kids news
  • Podcasts
    • All Podcasts
    • The Front Page
    • On the Tiles
    • Ask me Anything
    • The Little Things
  • Cartoons
  • Photo galleries
  • Today's Paper - E-editions
  • Photo sales
  • Classifieds

NZME Network

  • Advertise with NZME
  • OneRoof
  • Driven Car Guide
  • BusinessDesk
  • Newstalk ZB
  • Sunlive
  • ZM
  • The Hits
  • Coast
  • Radio Hauraki
  • The Alternative Commentary Collective
  • Gold
  • Flava
  • iHeart Radio
  • Hokonui
  • Radio Wanaka
  • iHeartCountry New Zealand
  • Restaurant Hub
  • NZME Events

SubscribeSign In

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Home / Lifestyle

Why do men tend to lose more friends in mid-life?

By Nick Harding
Daily Telegraph UK·
1 Dec, 2019 07:53 PM5 mins to read

Subscribe to listen

Access to Herald Premium articles require a Premium subscription. Subscribe now to listen.
Already a subscriber?  Sign in here

Listening to articles is free for open-access content—explore other articles or learn more about text-to-speech.
‌
Save

    Share this article

They have been friends and chart rivals for more than half a century but now Rod Stewart and Elton John have fallen out. Photo / Getty Images

They have been friends and chart rivals for more than half a century but now Rod Stewart and Elton John have fallen out. Photo / Getty Images

Paul and I were inseparable. We were part of a close-knit group of friends who spent many happy years together between our late teens and mid-twenties, sharing experiences that should have bonded us for life. For several years we worked in bars together and backpacked around Central America one summer. We shared laughter and heartache.

Then one day, he had a work commitment and missed my birthday party. Afterwards something changed. I didn't feel he had a good enough reason to miss what had been a meticulously planned event. From then on there was always a slight kink in what had been a perfect bromance.

Soon after, I stopped calling him and he stopped calling me. Nothing happened; there were no rows or fights over women. It just fizzled out. We now haven't spoken for well over two decades. However, within the paradigm of male friendship, he's still a mate.

READ MORE:
• Premium - Lee Suckling: Why gay-straight male friendships are the best kind
• Rebecca Kamm: The male friendship crisis
• Lee Suckling: Why you need more friends of the opposite sex
• Friends without benefits

The pattern is one many middle-aged men will be familiar with. As we get older, friendships lapse. One-by-one, the large cohort of male compadres I hung out with through my twenties and thirties were pruned away like deadwood. Wives and children came along. Lives got busy and friendships I spent years cultivating slowly faded. I always felt slightly guilty, but never guilty enough to do anything about it.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

Which is why I was so relieved to read about Sir Elton John and Rod Stewart and the abrupt end of their decades-long amity. According to Rod, Elton has given him the cold-shoulder since March last year over an innocuous comment made in an interview.

Rod explained: "I did email her [Elton] and said: 'What, again, dear?' And I didn't hear anything back."

They've not spoken since. Perhaps, considering how many times Elton's announced he is no longer touring, the wisecrack was too near the knuckle. His latest tour is named the Farewell Yellow Brick Road tour but as far back as 1977 Elton was telling fans he was no longer playing live and his 2015 tour was called The Final Curtain.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

Still, 19 months of silence? I know all too well that the longer the silence, the harder it is to reconnect. And losing a friend like this can be more brutal for men because we often have far fewer friends than women.

When I first met my wife, ten years ago, she was concerned about my reliance on a few very close long-standing male pals and implored me to find more. I was encouraged to join a cycling club and she even dragged me along to salsa classes. The aim was to build me a supportive network of male companionship; a masculine mirror-image of her own considerable female clique. It didn't work, I simply prefer the comfort of an old pal.

I'm not anti-social or introverted, indeed I love socialising. A straw-poll of other male middle-aged friends (yes, I do have them) confirms that I am not alone in these strange and contradictory behaviours.

One friend explains how he commutes to work every day, and actively avoids any colleagues or friends he sees on the train. He'll even change carriages, rather than talk to people he knows. Several friends confirmed that after divorces, they never bothered keeping in touch with the husbands of their ex-wives' friends, with whom they socialised regularly as couples.

And there is a likely evolutionary reason for this, as Robin Dunbar, Professor of Evolutionary Psychology and Oxford University, explains: "It's not been particularly well worked out, but one suggestion is that women in traditional hunter-gatherer societies moved from their family grouping into men's family groups and needed to bond and mix with in-laws and extended family. They had to form close bonds with people who were not their own family."

And this, explains Prof Dunbar, is why Rod and Elton's, mine and Paul's and countless other male bromances come to an end, sometimes abruptly, while women's friendships tend to endure.

"If women have friends who move away, they will keep in touch on the phone or through social media, whereas with men, it's a case of out of sight, out of mind," he says. "Men have a capacity to form working friendships with anyone, whereas female friendships are much more targeted and specific and perhaps more demanding."

But when an old friend disappears, I can't pretend it doesn't hurt. I still wonder what Paul is doing, what we would make of each other if we met up again for a night of reminiscing and old times' sake. The trouble is, the time spent apart has brought a silence between us that I can't bring myself to break.

So, anyone out there fancy a pint?

Some names have been changed

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Save

    Share this article

Latest from Lifestyle

Premium
Lifestyle

I gave up pasta for a month – this is what it does for your health

Lifestyle

NZ bodycare founder Tanné Snowden: 'Living with endometriosis doesn't mean you're broken'

Royals

'Life is precious': Prince Harry open to reconciliation with royal family


Sponsored

Sponsored: Why heat pumps make winter cheaper

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

Latest from Lifestyle

Premium
Premium
I gave up pasta for a month – this is what it does for your health
Lifestyle

I gave up pasta for a month – this is what it does for your health

Telegraph: It’s cheap and easy, but if you’re in midlife, it might be time for a rethink.

15 Jul 06:00 AM
NZ bodycare founder Tanné Snowden: 'Living with endometriosis doesn't mean you're broken'
Lifestyle

NZ bodycare founder Tanné Snowden: 'Living with endometriosis doesn't mean you're broken'

15 Jul 02:00 AM
'Life is precious': Prince Harry open to reconciliation with royal family
Royals

'Life is precious': Prince Harry open to reconciliation with royal family

15 Jul 01:53 AM


Sponsored: Why heat pumps make winter cheaper
Sponsored

Sponsored: Why heat pumps make winter cheaper

01 Jul 04:58 PM
NZ Herald
  • About NZ Herald
  • Meet the journalists
  • Newsletters
  • Classifieds
  • Help & support
  • Contact us
  • House rules
  • Privacy Policy
  • Terms of use
  • Competition terms & conditions
  • Our use of AI
Subscriber Services
  • NZ Herald e-editions
  • Daily puzzles & quizzes
  • Manage your digital subscription
  • Manage your print subscription
  • Subscribe to the NZ Herald newspaper
  • Subscribe to Herald Premium
  • Gift a subscription
  • Subscriber FAQs
  • Subscription terms & conditions
  • Promotions and subscriber benefits
NZME Network
  • The New Zealand Herald
  • The Northland Age
  • The Northern Advocate
  • Waikato Herald
  • Bay of Plenty Times
  • Rotorua Daily Post
  • Hawke's Bay Today
  • Whanganui Chronicle
  • Viva
  • NZ Listener
  • Newstalk ZB
  • BusinessDesk
  • OneRoof
  • Driven Car Guide
  • iHeart Radio
  • Restaurant Hub
NZME
  • About NZME
  • NZME careers
  • Advertise with NZME
  • Digital self-service advertising
  • Book your classified ad
  • Photo sales
  • NZME Events
  • © Copyright 2025 NZME Publishing Limited
TOP