Sinead Corcoran tries out a dance class that promises to leave Zumba in the dust.
I have one question for you: Do you want to look as good as Beyonce does after three children?
Do you want to be able to twerk like you've just dropped a fizzy drink titled revenge album as a clapback against your cheating husband, and now you're headlining Coachella like it ain't no thang?
Well guess what, if you live in Auckland – you're in luck.
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OK Now Ladies is, according to its founders, a "sluttier, cooler Zumba class with dope music" where for an hour each week you learn sexy, Beyonce-inspired choreography.
Organisers Taryn and Bianca share that they're "not your average white-washed experience with bad cover music. Expect full attitude from the dance moves and the music and expect to feel truly welcome, seen and heard."
"Our core belief system is 'RESPECT THA WOMEN' and that is exactly how you should feel in our company.
"Forget feeling awkward, forget feeling anything shameful about yourself and be prepared to sweat, move and appreciate your body and the powerful connection that comes from being in a room of like-minded women."
I don't think you're ready for this jelly, but Sign. Me. Up.
Dance has been an important part of ceremony, rituals, celebrations and entertainment since before the birth of the earliest human civilisations. We're talking prehistoric twerking you guys.
It's thought that dance may have been used as a tool for social interaction, promoting co-operation essential for survival among early humans. Dabbing Cavemen, perhaps?
Obviously, 1981 was a momentous year for dance revolution: that's the year Beyonce Giselle Knowles was born.
In case you just crawled out of a bomb shelter - Beyonce rose to fame in the late 1990s as the lead singer of Destiny's Child, one of the best-selling girl groups in history.
Following their disbandment in 2006, Beyonce became a star in her own right – leaving Kelly Rowland and that other one in her Lemonade-soaked dust.
In 2014, she became the highest-paid black musician in history, and her dance moves have a religious-like following. Most influentially, her music video for "Single Ladies" was touted as the "first major dance craze of both the new millennium and the internet".
As well as getting a BOOTYLICIOUS BOD (That was yuck, I'm so sorry) - you'll also improve ya mood.
The authors of a meta-analysis of 27 studies on the effectiveness of dance movement therapy, published in Arts in Psychotherapy, found that dancing can reduce depression, anxiety, and stress and boost self-esteem, body image, coping ability, and your overall sense of wellbeing.
It's also proven to be more fun than slogging away at the gym: researchers also found that attendance is higher with dance classes than conventional exercise, possibly because "dance is a form of exercise in which movement, social interaction, and fun are mixed together," they explained.
Have you ever thought that joining a cult actually sounds quite nice? Not in a Gloriavale way but in that gal pal, "sense of belonging, and collectiveness" Spice Girls kind of way?
That's what my experience of OK Now Ladies was like: a sexy sorority of gals dancing like it was 2am in Ponsonby's Longroom – minus all the awful drunk men.
Over the course of an hour, instructor Bianca taught us a series of dance routines – each more hussy than the last (and if you read my pole dancing Road Test you already know my absolute penchant for a hussy dance routine).
Without further ado, let me present to you the two best things about this dance class:
They turn all the lights off, bar a couple of sexy blue and red strip lights along the floor - reminiscent of a mid-noughties R&B video, or a top of the line strip club.
The dance moves are utterly transferable: you're not only getting a workout in the moment, you're without a doubt getting your money's worth because you can take those hip rolls to the clubs too.
Don't try to make plans with me for a Tuesday evening ever again because I have a standing reservation at this dance class for the rest of my life.
See you there, to the left to the left.