OJ Simpson is on Twitter now. It's pretty weird. He's sharing his thoughts on everything from the democratic presidential debates to cyber security and gun violence.
The juice has wisdom he believes you need to hear. Every video starts with "Hello Twitter world" and ends with "I'm just saying" followed by a friendly "take care".
Seems like everyone, no matter how dodgy, thinks their special opinions are worth sharing. So anyway, here are my special opinions for the week. Your kids are average, there should be personal drinking licences and grown-ups need to stop freaking out whenever someone says something mean about them.
Your kids are average
Everyone thinks their children are amazing and uniquely talented. They can't all be. Chances are you have nice average offspring. Which is great.
I went to the School of Rock Musical in Brisbane last weekend. Those kids are genuinely talented. Insanely brilliant. All the rock instruments in the show are played by children acting their real ages. So you get a 10-year-old behind the drums who is as good as any adult you'll ever see.
The show is coming to New Zealand next month. It's a rollicking good time. I had a smile on my face right through. It started to hurt near the end. Based on the 2004 Jack Black movie and produced by Andrew Lloyd Webber School of Rock has grossed hundreds of millions of dollars around the world.
The guy playing lead character Dewey Finn was great. But adults are adults, you'd expect a big-budget musical to find talented grown-ups. Where did they find the kids? I didn't even know children like this existed.
Perfect comic timing, spectacular pipes and real rock music chops. We all know wellbeing is the most important thing in. These kids looked pretty happy. Yours might be happier. But lovely as they are, your children are almost certainly not as talented as the cast of The School of Rock. So take them along.
It might just inspire them towards excellence. Either way it'll entertain the hell out of the whole family. Great show. Obviously I don't need to take my kids They are uniquely special and amazing already.
There should be drinking licences.
A 28-year-old woman was in a bind last Tuesday. While intoxicated she had grabbed a constable's genitals from behind, causing "excruciating pain, bruising and swelling".
Turns out drink had been a factor in previous convictions, including assault and drink driving. If there was a drinking licence she'd have hers taken off her.
Most New Zealanders drink responsibly. We don't get in fights, don't drunk drive and don't grab cop's bits from behind.
A tiny percentage of our population do these bad things. Yet booze laws are focused completely on them. Surely we should be treated on the basis of our behaviour not theirs. On the content of our drinking character.
So how about licences that afford drinking freedoms. You turn 18, you go to a special course and get your drinking licence. You answer some multi-choice questions. Then a drinking test officer takes you out for a night.
If you behave you get your licence. The licence means you can buy alcohol free from punitive taxes and enter bars even when intoxicated. But if you attack someone, rob somewhere or drive drunk you lose your drinking licence and all the rights that come with it. No booze for you.
Currently our alcohol laws punish all of us to get to the bad drunks. The drinking licence would treat you with respect until you show you don't deserve it.
Proper adults can handle nasty words
Last week the Auckland Council urged members of the public to stop abusing officials on social media. Seems hopeful.
Nasty comments have always been a part of life. You can't expect to be completely protected from meanness. So learn how to deal with it. That's one of the key differences between being an adult and being a child. You learn to deal with unpleasant things like paying taxes, working all the time and the unstoppable march towards decay and death.
All these things hurt more than someone's half-arse opinion on social media. If these Auckland Council officials are proud of what they do and who they are, who cares what a few rude people say?
Some of the nasty stuff might even be constructive. Either way proper adults who have bothered to grow up can handle a few mean words here and there.
I'm just saying ... take care.