Get ready for a first-world problem whinge. Uber Eats, it's over - I'm officially breaking up with you.
I tell you this because I want to know if this is just me, or whether anyone else has had the same issues.
When Uber Eats first arrived in New Zealand in 2017, there was a sizzle of excitement. Ordering in from pretty much anywhere and having it delivered to your door sounded like an awesome treat for tired parents wanting a break from the cooking.
I downloaded the app, like thousands of other Kiwis, and was all in.
Two years on, it's time for a report card.
My first few experiences weren't great but I chalked it up to teething problems.
Months later I tried again, and it was the same bad experience. Food didn't arrive, or arrived cold, half missing, or late, orders were wrong. You name it, we experienced it.
But the kids love it and on a cold rainy night when you're driving home from sport and it's late, it's often the easiest solution.
So like a sucker, I kept going back.
When they introduced surge pricing recently I thought, ooh, here's my opportunity to dump them once and for all. They want to charge more for their half-baked service?
No way - why would I pay more for more disappointment?
But buckling to pleas from hungry kids in a house devoid of food, I found myself back on the app, ordering up Uber Eats. The first clue things were not going to go well was when the delivery timeframe on the app crept up from 30 minutes, to gradually hitting 45, then an hour. But still we waited and hoped, like the first world fools we are, that all would be well.
Just over an hour later, hangry and tired, the driver rings from his car to say he's outside, come and get it. My bad, I thought it was door-to-door delivery.
My daughter goes out in her PJs in the rain to collect the food, driver hands it to her from his car window and drives off.
Not only is less than half the order in the bag, what is in there is cold, and only one dish is what we actually ordered.
To rectify this you can only deal with the app. No real people, no phone numbers no human contact.
Not even the restaurant involved can be called, it doesn't display a phone number, googling shows they don't have one.
I redial the number the driver called me on. I get an automated voicemail in an American accent, "we're unable to connect your call, this number is not connected".
So I have a house full of hungry kids, and a worthless Uber Eats order.
I hit "help" on the app and "submit my query". The app replies to me: "Thanks, we aim to come back to you in 24 hours." That doesn't solve my problem now, or feed my kids.
So Uber Eats, it's officially over. I'm deleting the app. It's not like I didn't give you endless chances.
But clearly I'm going to have to get off my bum and get my own takeaways now.