It is official: we are the stupid ones.
After years of rolling our eyes at reality TV contestants and people who are famous mainly for having really white teeth, we fell behind the eight ball. Somewhere along the way, these people who we relentlessly mock took over the world and are now calling the shots.
And we all look like suckers — with nothing to show for it but bitterness and not-white teeth, reports news.com.au.
Kim Kardashian has somehow become Donald Trump's unofficial Vice President. She was hanging out at the White House again this week where she gave a speech about criminal justice reform issues.
Did you see it? If you woke up on Friday morning and flipped on the news only to see out-of-context footage of Kim standing behind a podium with an American flag in the background and Donald Trump by her side, you would've experienced a unique sensation of disoriented terror. Or at the very least, wondered when a Legally Blonde 3 was released.
Before you scoff at Kim's presence at the White House, please be informed that — as well as wearing a Very Serious Blazer — she had cut her hair into a Very Serious Bob.
A blazer and a bob? I don't care who someone is — if they have both a blazer and a bob, I'll believe anything they say.
What's great about Kim's foray into the White House is no one else wants to be associated with Trump, so she has open slather. Kim sees opportunity and strikes. Another example of why we're all the stupid ones. In 2019, it is ignorance that will get you ahead, and if you're striving to not be ignorant then that is the most ignorant thing you can do.
Kim's not the only one taking over the world in a stylish blazer. Jessica Biel is now the world's most famous anti-vaxxer. Okay, apparently she insists she's not an anti-vaxxer. But she showed partial support for anti-vaxxers this week when she attended an important-looking conference with Californian legislators to oppose SB277 — a state bill which would limit medical exemptions from vaccines.
We assume all the legislators were scratching their heads as to why the chick from '90s family drama 7th Heaven was sitting in front of them, but apparently she has a lot of influence when it comes to the state senate.
A report on Jezebel quoted a confused legislative staffer who witnessed Jessica's meeting and the only real takeaway was Justin Timberlake's wife mentioned the word "corporations" a lot. Again, if someone starts throwing around the word "corporations" while also wearing a blazer, I'll believe anything they bloody say.
Jessica and Kim documented their efforts on Instagram. Of course. As the old adage goes, if you fight the good fight in a blazer and don't post about it, did it even happen?
A slap to the face for all Millennials
Speaking of old adages that still ring true, you can't have your avo toast and live in it too.
But in a kick to the guts to all those young people who complain about not being able to crack the property market, Married At First Sight cheater Jessika has become the only millennial in history to buy a house.
Jessika — whose penchant for cheating and lip fillers brought her to national attention — proudly declared on the reality show she wasn't entirely sure where her money came from.
"I don't know how I keep getting money … My dad's like, 'Do you need $5,000?' and I'm like, 'Yes, daddy!'" she splattered on the series earlier this year.
I bet you just rolled your eyes at that statement but apparently it's a terrific finance model because it has resulted in the purchase of an investment property for Jessika.
"As some of you may know I've recently done some adulting and proud to say I have just received the keys to my FIRST investment property in Perth!" she shared on Instagram, and we had to re-read that to make sure she didn't write "adultering".
The theme for today's column? Ignorance will get you to the white house but it will also get you a regular house.
And wear blazers. Lots of blazers.
And speaking of Millennials…
When did young people become such prudes? I was locked in a room with a bunch of them this week where I was forced to explain what I do for work — which is always embarrassing because my job description reads more like the daily schedule of someone who's between jobs rather than at one.
They looked confused when I said I watch TV and then tell people about it. At first they were confused because they didn't know what a TV was but then things took a turn when they started attacking the social impact of reality shows and raising the alarm about how the earth will be destroyed.
One of these 20-year-olds was wearing a glasses chain ironically and I swear she was about to demand a detailed report on how many carbon emissions my TV recaps produce.
These tweens in glasses chains did not take me seriously at all and obviously I should've worn a blazer like Kim and Jessica.