New Zealand has gone soft. We are becoming a nation of safe space wimps. Spoilt scared little pussy cats.
I'm the worst. The underfloor heating in our bathroom isn't working at the moment. To my pampered feet it's like crossing molten lava getting to the shower in the morning.
This is not good. Humans shouldn't have underfloor heating at all. We definitely shouldn't feel like we need it. For God's sake, Auckland's a subtropical paradise.
Our ancient hunter-gatherer ancestors didn't have underfloor heating. Their bathroom floor was outside and made of rocks, dirt and snakes. There was a good chance you'd get eaten by a sabre-toothed cat during your morning ablutions.
The only comforts they enjoyed they ripped off the back of animals with their bare hands. They were better humans than us. Their hard life made them that way.
As Yuval Noah Harari puts it "our foraging ancestors had physical dexterity that people today are unable to achieve even after years of practising yoga or tai chi".
Our society allows people who can't handle the jandal to prosper. This doesn't bode well for our future. At any point, a natural or man made disaster could throw us back into a Hobbesian Nightmare.
We need to harden up. But what can we do? We are busy futuristic creatures. We have pointless jobs to waste our lives on, vapid pictures to post and in-depth dramas series to watch.
How can we strengthen our bodies and minds in the small amount of spare time we have? Good news. You can harden up in your sleep.
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Beds in 2019 are an embarrassment of luxury. Do we really need an inner-sprung mattress, a memory foam underlay, four latex pillows, a feather duvet, a designer throw, 12 plush cushions and a valance?
Do we really need sheets that smell just right because you use Cuddly Concentrate Fabric Softener Aroma Intense Wild Rose in the wash?
Our ancestors slept on the ground under sloth skins. But not us. Even cotton sheets are too rough for our weak spoilt bodies. So we take extra time to make the sheets super cosy and smell just right. Shame on us. Comforts like this are making us unnecessarily pathetic.
We don't need them. It's like sugar in your coffee. If you have three that's what you feel you need. Cut them out and your hot drink may taste bitter for a few days but a week later three sugars tastes disgustingly sweet. You never needed the sugar. You just got used to it. Same with your puffy bed.
I'm not suggesting you strip naked and sleep outside. Although that would be bloody good for you. All you need to do is downgrade the bedding a little. I spent three weeks over the holidays sleeping on a thin foam tramping mat. No pillow.
It sucked for two days but after that it was great. My back (which is full of metal from a prolapsed disc) felt amazing. Every morning I would jump up energised and ready to hunt down the food my family needed to survive (by which I mean go to the dairy near the campsite and buy cans of baked beans with sausages in them).
When we got home my wussy normal soft bed felt terrible. It felt like I was sinking into the ground. Sleeping on a marshmallow. I craved the hard floor. You too could make yourself less lame. Just throw your duvet on the ground, jump on it and go to sleep. By morning you will be a better human.
There are lots of opportunities to improve. Instead of looking for further comforts in our lives we should be looking for things that make us stronger. Lifts are for wimps so take the stairs. If it's cold don't put on a jersey, train yourself to handle it. If you're putting out the bins go barefoot and build up some calluses. If you don't like the ending of your favourite fantasy drama just suck it up. Don't go online and cry about it like a little baby.
We live in the most comfortable time in human history. Everywhere you look things are getting easier. But unnecessary luxuries are the enemy. They are making you soft. Avoid them. Luckily you can change. You can harden up and honour your powerful competent ancestors.
Take me for example. My underfloor heating is fixed now and I haven't even turned it back on yet. Probably won't till July. Caveman!