• Warning: Explicit sexual content
"Sorry babe, I'm too bloated."
It's one of the most legitimate reasons out there for not having sex with your partner. I know I've needed to use it more than once. Nobody feels sexy when they have a belly full of food and they've had to pop open the top button of their jeans.
The obvious advice for a good sex life over the Christmas holidays is "don't eat too much", but if you're reading this, you're already past that point. The food is in your gut and you feel gross. Unfortunately, the body wants what it wants and you're still a bit horny.
Believe it or not, you can still have sex when you're full of food. If intercourse is on the cards tonight, here's how to make yourself a little more comfortable for it.
If it's not too late, avoid these foods
Different people have different sensitivities when it comes to food and how bloated they feel after them. However, some of the more common aggravators which leave a person feeling their most unsexy are dairy products, gluten, and broccoli, cauliflower, kale and cabbage. All of these take quite a while to break down in the digestive system so if it isn't too late, don't touch them. Fizzy drinks also cause bloating, and so do sugary drinks, artificially-sweetened drinks, and carb-heavy beverages like beer. They don't call it beer belly for nothing.
Walk for an hour
It's the best way I know to relieve some of the tension from your distended stomach. A long, slow walk when you've eaten too much food will never leave you feeling worse. It puts oxygen in your blood, uses up energy (burning calories without much effort), and helps you re-connect with your body as a whole instead of feeling like you're a potato.
Pretend to be a yogi
To release some of the pressure from your middle area in order to feel more confident in bed, some made-up yoga-like twisting poses can help with bloating and gas.
You don't need to be a real yogi or know what you're doing: the goal is just to twist and turn your stomach ad hoc until you feel a little better. If you have some privacy, Google the "wind relieving pose" on your phone and get that gas out of your system before you're naked with another person.
Choose the right position
For sex positions that will work, try spooning with both of you lying on your sides, facing the same way. It's reasonably effortless and your focus goes off your body (and what it looks/feels like). Good old missionary is another safe one because you simply kiss and look at each other's faces and hardly have to move. If two bodies touching for too long is still too much for your food-filled belly, mutual masturbation is your best bet for a good time.
Wait until after your next bowel movement
People usually know what time/s of the day they will have a bowel movement. If you know your internal schedule is due for a number two, hold off on sex until afterwards. It should result in an instant relief from feeling bloated and full and leave you feeling empty, fresh, and ready to frolic.
Don't judge yourself
When all else fails and you are full of food and still want to get down to business, just go for it without judging yourself. Yes, you may FEEL like Violet Beauregarde after a day at the chocolate factory. But that doesn't mean you LOOK that way. A food baby doesn't actually change your body shape and shouldn't make you feel less confident without your clothes on.