The Sex Files: Why you don't need to 'spice up' your sex life

Things don't always go right in the bedroom. Photo / Getty Images

Warning: This article contains explicit sexual references

All this liberal talk about sex and sexuality that we do in modern society can leave a person feeling "vanilla". Boring. Unadventurous.

What's wrong with regular old missionary-style sex, you wonder? Does everybody have to be "spicing it up" all the time?

There's nothing wrong with routine sex. The kind you have with a partner of years that's comforting and predictable. For many people, knowing exactly what to expect in the bedroom is just a part of life.

When it comes to reading sex columns like this one, you'll often be presented with ideas for trying new things, or at least fantasizing about them. This is all well and good until you or a sexual partner want to experiment with some new sex stuff, but one (or both!) of you isn't comfortable with it.

Now, I must clarify that there's a difference between "not being 100 per cent" and being uncomfortable. A lot of new sex stuff takes time to accustom to; you can't dive in head first. If you're only 50 per cent sure you will enjoy something and the other half is hesitant, that's when you might want to consensually try dipping your toes in the water first.

If you're uncomfortable with something sexual, however, and mutual consent is being taken away, feelings of safety are being compromised, or it's otherwise scary or risky to anybody in the relationship, you shouldn't be doing it. I'm a firm believer in only trying new sex stuff like kinks and exhibitionism that might work for you as a couple, rather than for the pleasure of just one and the discomfort of the other.

Let's go back to the word "experimental" when we're talking about new things in bed. By nature, for something to be an experiment, we don't know the outcome. It's likely it will fail or even be a disaster. We accept this from the get-go and try anyway, knowing that no harm will be done either way.

Therefore, when trying sexual stuff that you've never done before, it's perfectly OK for it to go wrong. There's no judgement. You can laugh about it if it doesn't work. The aim is just to give it a go, and see if you have fun. And sex should be fun.

I like to see my sex life as a living organism. It's not static – what I liked five years ago isn't necessary what I'm into now. What I'm keen on now isn't necessary what I'll be into in five years.

I've been able to experiment with everything from sex toys to multiple types of sexual partners and then assessed afterwards how I felt. Some things I wouldn't want to try again. Some things I would like to push further.

As I have a regular sexual partner, it's vital I talk to them about everything we try. We can assess, and re-assess, constantly, to ensure both parties are always satisfied. As we say, it's never too late to change your mind and go back to "vanilla" sex. There was nothing wrong with that in the beginning. We just need to talk about it and ensure nobody is every doing anything sexual begrudgingly or "for" the other person.

I am game for giving most new sex stuff a go, but only to a point. I accept there a things I do not, and will never, enjoy. When I'm feeling "vanilla" about my outlook on sex, I try to remember that even considering new sex things seriously makes me anything but.