As the wail of trumpets fades in Windsor and we all begin to wonder why we cared so much, it's now an appropriate time to ask an urgent question: How can we Meghan Markle our way into the royal family?

Armed with nothing but a collection of edgy blazers and dating guide book The Rules, the Duchess of Sussex has proven it's a total cinch to waltz into Buckingham Palace and never leave. We've graciously waited a week, and now Meghan's old news. It's time to hatch a plan, reports

With William and Harry taken, who's left? Maybe a fringe royal. One who's technically attached to the family tree but whose branch is a fair climb away. That'll do. We're also willing to accept other monarchies.

Next week, NW magazine will probably release a pullout chart featuring the faces of various single princes from around the globe. Hang it above your computer and use a red felt pen to mark it with crosses and circles as your mission develops.


The mission to Meghan Markle the next available prince is a worldwide game. The frontrunner is His Royal Highness Prince Abdul Mateen, the son of the Sultan of Brunei. His family is worth $26 billion but he's just super down to earth and low-key.

Our wedding dress code: Gold leaf. Photo / Instagram
Our wedding dress code: Gold leaf. Photo / Instagram

After selecting our target, we embark on phase two: initiating contact. Stage two is the most difficult. It's hard to hurl your body over a palace moat without looking mildly desperate.

But once accomplished, it sets into motion stage three of securing an engagement within six months and stage four: #RoyalWedding2019.

A friend of a friend recently shared an expert tactic about marrying upwards. Desperate to secure someone rich, she paddleboarded around to Point Piper — Australia's most wealthy waterfront suburb — and floated in front of the mansions on Wosley Road while swiping away on Tinder.

It's genius. And I've been moored off the coast of Brunei ever since. See you on the waters.