IN

I would not recommend phoning. I did and I asked if we could please have two chargrilled beef and cheese burgers and one standard beef and cheese and two scoops of chips and one piece of fish - a battered snapper fillet. Despite the online menu distinguishing between these burgers (the chargrilled are slightly more expensive than the standard) I was told they're all the same. Also there is quite a lot of background noise, and I had to repeat myself a few times. But that wasn't the end of it.

OUT

It takes 10 minutes to drive there, which is good, because this was the timeframe I'd been given for the order. I park up on a quiet Tuesday night and go inside where I'm handed my order. The chip packet looks a bit small, I think as I jump in my car. Fortunately for them I don't take off straight away, because I'm a little hog and I feel like a hot chip something bad. I open the chip packet (old-school paper) - and also for those who are waiting, back home, to let out the steam. Just then the dude comes running up to my car. I wind down the passenger window and he's in a panic because they've given me someone else's order. So I go back inside. The someone else is vegetarian and has ordered vegetarian - not beef and cheese. As they take my wrong order back over the counter I hope they actually do a fresh packet of chips for the poor vego. Because, like I said, I'd tried a couple.

THE TAKEAWAY

At the point I commit to a burger, I cannot get the burger out of my mind. It's next-level obsession for me. The car steering wheel looks like a big juicy burger, the traffic lights: burgers. All of it. Everything. A good burger is like nothing else but I am so sad to report that our burgers were dry, flat and also sad. The patties were processed and miserable. And the cheese barely made a cameo appearance. It wasn't meltilicous and generous. I honestly hate to think what the "small burgers" - also on the menu - look like. Maybe you get what you pay for, and we should've ordered the "Beast" at $15.90 for steak, bacon, pattie, egg, chicken and pineapple. But we just wanted a really great, simple beef and cheese burger. And chips. And a piece of snapper. Well I'm not sure if it was snapper, because all we got was a hunk of deep-fried batter, with apparently nothing inside. I rang to tell them I was disappointed, particulary about the missing snapper. The guy said sorry, that burgers were really their specialty. I so wanted this to have a different outcome, mainly because we were really hungry and also who likes to diss a takeaway joint? But there were several things wrong and we were the ones who felt fried.