It seems that everywhere we look right now, annoyingly beautiful people are peeping out of social media channels. It's a scary new world of white teeth and whiter hair. Given that beauty is now everywhere, and it's hard to keep up with the newest on-fleek trends, here's my best attempt to summarise the latest beauty trends. Hopefully it helps keep your squad on point, hashtag blessed.
Argan oil: A wonder oil for "on fleek" (see below) hair and skin. Can result in arriving for an interview looking like you slept with your head in a deep-fryer.
Balayage: Freestyle highlighting of hair for a sun-kissed look. The Wii of beauty - you could just go outside, but you really can't be arsed.
Contouring: Using powders to change your facial structure. Also known as cheekbones in a bottle.
Duct tape tits: Kim Kardashian's viral technique for cleavage: forgo your bra, simply tape your tits high and close with duct tape. When undressing, heat things up with: "Two secs baby, just need to rip 16 layers of skin cells off my chest."
Hair removal method that lets you feel like a Soviet Bond villain. "Commence electrolysis! Vitness my voute to mass seduction!"
Fleek (used in "on fleek"): Originally to describe perfectly arched eyebrows, now a beauty blogger word for "it looks great". Also sounds like you spend too much time with tweens, "gramming" your "squad" ("hashtag blessed").
Giselle Waves: Loose, tousled waves of hair. How you think you look when you get out of the hairdresser's before catching sight of yourself and realising you look exactly as you did before. Just a lot poorer.
Highlighter: Makeup with light-reflecting qualities. Do not economise by using the Warehouse Stationery version.
Sprayed into your hair to revive it on days when your hair is greasy enough to look like a cross between Silvio Berlusconi and a KFC bucket.
Jojoba: Another wonder oil for skin, beauty must-have, and word to put on shampoo instead of "nice smelling washing-up liquid with 500 per cent mark up, sucker".
Kajal: A fancy name for eyeliner. This is like calling Paris "Pareeeeeeee". It makes you sound sophisticated, ethnic, and totally oblivious to how irritating it is.
Lob: The long bob. The haircut for the indecisive or those pining for Rachel from Friends.
Using different types of face mask for different parts of your face. Requires the logistical co-ordination of the American military to do correctly - and the budget.
Neathage: Exposing the underside of your breasts. (Done only by Kardashians and those of us not clutching ourselves instinctively at the thought of running upstairs bra-less.)
Ombre: The style where it looks like you grew your roots out for six months. Makes your friend look like a Hispanic lingerie model called Lola who lives in Monaco. On you, it makes you look like an overweight redneck called Britney who lives in a trailer park.
Pop: The adjective of choice for bloggers to express satisfaction with a makeup look. "I love your drunk and deranged clown-style makeup - it makes your eyes pop!"
The only anti-ageing cream you know. Because of they have lots of adverts, right? Not because you're frantically googling anti-ageing products after seeing someone young and hot on Instagram.
Rough dry: Running your fingers through your hair when drying it. Chances are you've been on it for a while, you just called it the Oh-God-I'm-late-and-I've-got-to-dry-my-hair-or-I'll-look-like-a-yeti technique.
Strobing: The highlighting of lighter parts of your face to appear more luminous. Too expensive? Similar glowing effect can be achieved by using a 1980s mobile phone, all day every day.
Sounds like a slimming wear company but actually means applying eyeliner to the space between your lashes.
Undercut: When you shave one side of your hair off. You want to ... but you're not sure you're hip enough. Plus it'll have an awkward regrowth that will make you look like a badly shorn sheep.
Vajazzle: When you adorn your intimate areas with crystals. It's just like in year 5 when you stuck glittery stickers on all your notebooks. Except you'll never look back at this with nostalgia.
Whale tail: When you can see the thong rise out of someone's jeans like this is 2006 and flip phones are hawt, dawg.
(Blowto)X: Injecting Botox into your scalp so you don't sweat during a workout and ruin your blowdry. A bit like homeownership for millennials: too expensive for us to worry about.
Yaaaaaaas Kween: Go-to phrase of every beauty YouTuber who expresses excitement over a new product. Use cautiously at first - you will sound like someone who's still recovering from recent dental surgery.
Zhee-Von-She: If you've heard this and been confused, don't worry. It's the correct way of saying Givenchy. Like pronouncing, Moet MOW-ETT, not MOW-AY, pronouncing Givenchy ZHEE-VON-SHE is the mark of a beauty pro.