Make this headline super 'sexy' so it gets read please. Something like "Sexy sexy sex!!" Or "NRL player has sex with TTPA!" That's the headline I want please. (Won't happen)

Oh God, it seems like such a drag! (Imagine this uttered in the voice of Rizzo from Grease in Summer Nights.) The TPPA. I don't care. I don't want to care. I shan't, I shan't, I shan't!

I should.

But I see the term TPPA , yawn, and think "that's so not sexy". Maybe if it was called "The Great World Trade Fiasco Boys' Club Shenanigans Dealio" I might be vaguely intrigued, but I've shunned the whole perfunctory "TPPA".


I'm more concerned with the Kanye West, Wiz Khalifa, Amber Rose Twitter feud. Apparently (hushed whispers) someone's said too much about Kanye's bedroom habits.

Kate - hair stylist sometimes muse - and I were talking, and I realised that's the whole point, isn't it? Call it something boring. Make it look lame then the only people who will care will be the activists, economists, trendy lefties and political journalists. Not sexy. Normal, regular people ignore the bland.

Oh, but you see, it can be sexy. I'm going to attempt to make it sexy so people like you and me - the educated but slightly slack majority - can at least have maybe a vague opinion.

So imagine this: You and your friend Mario (I'm not sure why but I always pick Mario) are playing a game with the New World My Little Shop miniature groceries. Suddenly, out of nowhere, the big kids from across the road come barging through the door and say "Hey we wanna play, yo!" Then they get on their cell phones and call up kids from all over the city. When they arrive you and Mario are pushed to the outer fringe of the game. Then the really tough big kids come in and start saying that they will decide who gets what groceries and who's allowed to swap. Suddenly you've lost all your groceries and you have a bad feeling someone stole your parents' TV and good DVD collection. So, folks, that's the TPPA in a very simple story!

In actual terms, this is what I can gather from extensive research I've conducted when I'm not worrying about Khloe Kardashian's new blonde hair extensions:

Without telling anyone, New Zealand and Singapore decided they'd negotiate a trade agreement. Cool! They take our butter, we take... umm... whatever Singapore makes well - still thinking about that one...

America and a bunch of big arse ol' countries say "Whoa! We want some of this sexy TPPA action and, what's more, we'll be in charge.

Practically the whole world wants a piece of the action, including Japan.

Japan and America are very very close friends (possibly friends with benefits).


America and Japan are known as protectionist countries. They look after themselves. End of story.

Stop press: America and Japan are protectionist countries who look after themselves and themselves only whilst telling everyone else they need to look after everyone! That's the free market for you guys!

Japan, like us, has a large dairy industry. Cue the flashing red light! Warning! Warning!

If countries in the TPPA get mad because they're not getting a fair deal they can take their gripe to a panel of three international lawyers who decide. Hmm, that seems legit - and highly unlikely that corruption could ever take place.

New Zealand and Singapore are now tiny players who must still have some vested corporates' interested. Gawd knows in what, though. It's certainly not our primary industry.

Too simple? Perhaps, but I figure that if I'm a fairly well educated woman who reads about the TPPA, rolls her eyes and moves on to videos of cats, then you may too and maybe that's why governments get away with all kinds of sh*t, and maybe we get shafted far too often because we're not captured by a sexy headline. Or a cat.

I think I'm rather anti the TPPA after all I've read, but who am I?

Now, back to that naughty Kanye.


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