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Thanks to magazines like GQ and the 400-million-plus blogs out there dedicated to men's style, men are inundated with things we are supposed to own these days. Exfoliator. Shoes for all occasions. Four-blade razors. But what about the things men should never own? Here are ten definite no-nos for men that need help with the decision-making process.
A "going out shirt"
We all used to have them in 2004. They were probably from Tarocash or somewhere equally as polyester-laden. They had big, spread-out collars, and maybe even French cuffs (you had to wear your 21st birthday cufflinks sometimes, right?). They were for the club. They made us feel like Usher. And they are completely and totally inappropriate in 2014. No matter what your bros say.
A shell necklace
In fact, any item of jewellery you bought on holiday. Beads. Woven bracelets. Tribal rings. Like the shell necklace, these all say, "I went on vacation and got swindled by locals selling 'cultural' souvenirs". No one ever thought the guy with the fratboy-style ethnic jewellery was up with fashion. Or nature. Or the ladies.
¾ length trousers
Especially if they have cargo pockets, or are in any way utilitarian. With ¾ length trousers, you will look either too short or too tall, depending on your body shape, and they cut every man's calf off at the most unflattering point. You shouldn't own any garment that falls below your lower thighs but above your ankles, in fact. If they're below your knees, they are not shorts. They're capris.
Women have known about these for over a decade, but there are various suck-and-pull style undergarments available for men today too. Some of them even give the impression of added muscle tone. The fear of disappointment from your significant other when you take off a "slimming" tank top should be enough to scare every man from owing one.
A belly button piercing
Or a tattoo around your belly button. These have connotations of the suburban girl rebellion of the 90s; something for mallrats and grungy teens, not grown men. Yet, like nipple rings, they're out there on guys that are proud of them. Unless they're part of a suite of piercings and tats (in which case, they'll be part of your schtick), that belly button adornment should be left to a Clueless-era, crop-top wearing Alicia Silverstone.
Photo / Thinkstock
A name for your penis
Not exactly something you "own" but something a lot of men have, but shouldn't. There's a special kind of man who names his wang, and you shouldn't be him. Holding on to a name for your penis says several things, including: "I touch myself!", "I have make-believe friends", and "My overconfidence has turned me into an awful lover!" Talking about your penis with equal status as your friends will quickly turn your bravado into creepiness. Little Jason would agree.
Joey and Chandler had them on Friends, and they were anything but chick-magnets. Sure, they might be comfortable, even convenient. But they look like a disjointed turd, and insinuate you're a guy that would rather insert a catheter than get up to use the loo.
A wallet chain
Or a neck strap to hold your glasses around your neck, a bungy for your keys, or an extendable swipe-card holder for easy access to your office. Men should not own cords of any kind to keep their personal items close to their body. These are the equivalent of writing your name on the collar of your shirt: they make you look like you have a mother who doesn't trust you not to lose your stuff.
Photos / Thinkstock
A separate razor for leg shaving
Synonymous with faux-sporty lifestyles, the completely shaved male leg - or worse, the two-days-past prickly leg - has had its day. Whipping out electric trimmers is okay if you're a particularly hairy lad, but no man should own a specific razor for wet leg shaving. There is nothing less sexy than a naked man with one leg up on the bath, half covered in shaving cream, using a pink razor because it was designed specificity to tackle the difficult angles of the ankle.
Or sandals of any kind. Jandals are fine when there is water and sand nearby (and a must for gym showers), but men's toes should otherwise not be seen in public. When did you ever see a man with beautiful feet? Never. Men's feet are misshaped and hairy. Putting Crocs on them is like putting a furry three-year old in jelly shoes - you just wouldn't do it. So let's call Crocs what they are, shall we? Plastic clogs. Put them in your recycling bin today.
Photo / NZ Herald