NZ Herald
  • Home
  • Latest news
  • Video
  • New Zealand
  • Sport
  • World
  • Business
  • Entertainment
  • Podcasts
  • Quizzes
  • Opinion
  • Lifestyle
  • Travel
  • Viva
  • Weather forecasts

Subscriptions

  • Herald Premium
  • Viva Premium
  • The Listener
  • BusinessDesk

Sections

  • Latest news
  • New Zealand
    • All New Zealand
    • Crime
    • Politics
    • Education
    • Open Justice
    • Scam Update
    • The Great NZ Road Trip
  • On The Up
  • World
    • All World
    • Australia
    • Asia
    • UK
    • United States
    • Middle East
    • Europe
    • Pacific
  • Business
    • All Business
    • MarketsSharesCurrencyCommoditiesStock TakesCrypto
    • Markets with Madison
    • Media Insider
    • Business analysis
    • Personal financeKiwiSaverInterest ratesTaxInvestment
    • EconomyInflationGDPOfficial cash rateEmployment
    • Small business
    • Business reportsMood of the BoardroomProject AucklandSustainable business and financeCapital markets reportAgribusiness reportInfrastructure reportDynamic business
    • Deloitte Top 200 Awards
    • CompaniesAged CareAgribusinessAirlinesBanking and financeConstructionEnergyFreight and logisticsHealthcareManufacturingMedia and MarketingRetailTelecommunicationsTourism
  • Opinion
    • All Opinion
    • Analysis
    • Editorials
    • Business analysis
    • Premium opinion
    • Letters to the editor
  • Sport
    • All Sport
    • OlympicsParalympics
    • RugbySuper RugbyNPCAll BlacksBlack FernsRugby sevensSchool rugby
    • CricketBlack CapsWhite Ferns
    • Racing
    • NetballSilver Ferns
    • LeagueWarriorsNRL
    • FootballWellington PhoenixAuckland FCAll WhitesFootball FernsEnglish Premier League
    • GolfNZ Open
    • MotorsportFormula 1
    • Boxing
    • UFC
    • BasketballNBABreakersTall BlacksTall Ferns
    • Tennis
    • Cycling
    • Athletics
    • SailingAmerica's CupSailGP
    • Rowing
  • Lifestyle
    • All Lifestyle
    • Viva - Food, fashion & beauty
    • Society Insider
    • Royals
    • Sex & relationships
    • Food & drinkRecipesRecipe collectionsRestaurant reviewsRestaurant bookings
    • Health & wellbeing
    • Fashion & beauty
    • Pets & animals
    • The Selection - Shop the trendsShop fashionShop beautyShop entertainmentShop giftsShop home & living
    • Milford's Investing Place
  • Entertainment
    • All Entertainment
    • TV
    • MoviesMovie reviews
    • MusicMusic reviews
    • BooksBook reviews
    • Culture
    • ReviewsBook reviewsMovie reviewsMusic reviewsRestaurant reviews
  • Travel
    • All Travel
    • News
    • New ZealandNorthlandAucklandWellingtonCanterburyOtago / QueenstownNelson-TasmanBest NZ beaches
    • International travelAustraliaPacific IslandsEuropeUKUSAAfricaAsia
    • Rail holidays
    • Cruise holidays
    • Ski holidays
    • Luxury travel
    • Adventure travel
  • Kāhu Māori news
  • Environment
    • All Environment
    • Our Green Future
  • Talanoa Pacific news
  • Property
    • All Property
    • Property Insider
    • Interest rates tracker
    • Residential property listings
    • Commercial property listings
  • Health
  • Technology
    • All Technology
    • AI
    • Social media
  • Rural
    • All Rural
    • Dairy farming
    • Sheep & beef farming
    • Horticulture
    • Animal health
    • Rural business
    • Rural life
    • Rural technology
    • Opinion
    • Audio & podcasts
  • Weather forecasts
    • All Weather forecasts
    • Kaitaia
    • Whangārei
    • Dargaville
    • Auckland
    • Thames
    • Tauranga
    • Hamilton
    • Whakatāne
    • Rotorua
    • Tokoroa
    • Te Kuiti
    • Taumaranui
    • Taupō
    • Gisborne
    • New Plymouth
    • Napier
    • Hastings
    • Dannevirke
    • Whanganui
    • Palmerston North
    • Levin
    • Paraparaumu
    • Masterton
    • Wellington
    • Motueka
    • Nelson
    • Blenheim
    • Westport
    • Reefton
    • Kaikōura
    • Greymouth
    • Hokitika
    • Christchurch
    • Ashburton
    • Timaru
    • Wānaka
    • Oamaru
    • Queenstown
    • Dunedin
    • Gore
    • Invercargill
  • Meet the journalists
  • Promotions & competitions
  • OneRoof property listings
  • Driven car news

Puzzles & Quizzes

  • Puzzles
    • All Puzzles
    • Sudoku
    • Code Cracker
    • Crosswords
    • Cryptic crossword
    • Wordsearch
  • Quizzes
    • All Quizzes
    • Morning quiz
    • Afternoon quiz
    • Sports quiz

Regions

  • Northland
    • All Northland
    • Far North
    • Kaitaia
    • Kerikeri
    • Kaikohe
    • Bay of Islands
    • Whangarei
    • Dargaville
    • Kaipara
    • Mangawhai
  • Auckland
  • Waikato
    • All Waikato
    • Hamilton
    • Coromandel & Hauraki
    • Matamata & Piako
    • Cambridge
    • Te Awamutu
    • Tokoroa & South Waikato
    • Taupō & Tūrangi
  • Bay of Plenty
    • All Bay of Plenty
    • Katikati
    • Tauranga
    • Mount Maunganui
    • Pāpāmoa
    • Te Puke
    • Whakatāne
  • Rotorua
  • Hawke's Bay
    • All Hawke's Bay
    • Napier
    • Hastings
    • Havelock North
    • Central Hawke's Bay
    • Wairoa
  • Taranaki
    • All Taranaki
    • Stratford
    • New Plymouth
    • Hāwera
  • Manawatū - Whanganui
    • All Manawatū - Whanganui
    • Whanganui
    • Palmerston North
    • Manawatū
    • Tararua
    • Horowhenua
  • Wellington
    • All Wellington
    • Kapiti
    • Wairarapa
    • Upper Hutt
    • Lower Hutt
  • Nelson & Tasman
    • All Nelson & Tasman
    • Motueka
    • Nelson
    • Tasman
  • Marlborough
  • West Coast
  • Canterbury
    • All Canterbury
    • Kaikōura
    • Christchurch
    • Ashburton
    • Timaru
  • Otago
    • All Otago
    • Oamaru
    • Dunedin
    • Balclutha
    • Alexandra
    • Queenstown
    • Wanaka
  • Southland
    • All Southland
    • Invercargill
    • Gore
    • Stewart Island
  • Gisborne

Media

  • Video
    • All Video
    • NZ news video
    • Business news video
    • Politics news video
    • Sport video
    • World news video
    • Lifestyle video
    • Entertainment video
    • Travel video
    • Markets with Madison
    • Kea Kids news
  • Podcasts
    • All Podcasts
    • The Front Page
    • On the Tiles
    • Ask me Anything
    • The Little Things
    • Cooking the Books
  • Cartoons
  • Photo galleries
  • Today's Paper - E-editions
  • Photo sales
  • Classifieds

NZME Network

  • Advertise with NZME
  • OneRoof
  • Driven Car Guide
  • BusinessDesk
  • Newstalk ZB
  • What the Actual
  • Sunlive
  • ZM
  • The Hits
  • Coast
  • Radio Hauraki
  • The Alternative Commentary Collective
  • Gold
  • Flava
  • iHeart Radio
  • Hokonui
  • Radio Wanaka
  • iHeartCountry New Zealand
  • Restaurant Hub
  • NZME Events

SubscribeSign In
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Home / Lifestyle

Nadia Bokody: Why you always go for the 'wrong' guy

By Nadia Bokody
news.com.au·
28 Aug, 2021 08:23 AM4 mins to read

Subscribe to listen

Access to Herald Premium articles require a Premium subscription. Subscribe now to listen.
Already a subscriber?  Sign in here

Listening to articles is free for open-access content—explore other articles or learn more about text-to-speech.
‌
Save

    Share this article

Science has a term for why women like unavailable men, says sex columnist Nadia Bokody. Photo / Supplied

Science has a term for why women like unavailable men, says sex columnist Nadia Bokody. Photo / Supplied

Opinion:

In my early twenties, I fell for a married colleague.

After connecting over a shared love of running, we began meeting a couple of times a week to hit the local jogging track.

Perhaps it was the endorphins, or a desire to escape the body insecurities plaguing me at the time, but I found myself developing an unhealthy infatuation with my running mate.

There was a delicious kind of agony in going to bed each night filled with unrequited limerence. It meant our weekly runs took on a new sense of excitement and, for a while at least, my fixation on my body image was replaced by the euphoric high of chasing his feet along our jogging route.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

But things took a turn when, over post-run drinks one afternoon, he admitted something unexpected.

"You know, just because someone's married, doesn't mean they can't be attracted to someone else …" he began, the ice trembling in his glass in synchronicity with the stammer in his voice.

It was the initiation of what would go on to be increasingly clear and frequent declarations of interest in me.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

"I'm consumed with thoughts of you," he texted one evening while away on holiday.

"I'm not happy in my marriage. I'm leaving her," came another confession.

This was what I wanted. I should have been exhilarated.

Instead, with the barriers to our union removed, I realised – much to my own surprise – I wasn't attracted to him at all.

Discover more

Lifestyle

Opinion: Why holding hands is more intimate than sex

07 Aug 08:45 PM
Opinion

Jana Hocking: The unexpected request 'straight' men make

05 Aug 11:12 PM
Lifestyle

Opinion: Sex loophole Aussie singles are exploiting

31 Jul 08:23 PM
Lifestyle

Woman horrified over neighbour's 'embarrassing' shower note

26 Jul 01:08 AM
View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Nadia Bokody (@nadiabokody)

As it turns out, lusting for someone simply because we either can't or shouldn't be with them is hardwired into our DNA. Science has a term for it: the "forbidden fruit effect".

Research indicates when something is off-limits, we're more likely to get hooked on it – whether that's food (think back to the last time you dieted and found yourself daydreaming about face-planting a bucket of KFC), an object (slap "waitlisted" on just about anything and most of us will hand over our credit card faster than you can say "impulse purchase"), or a person.

Meme culture acknowledges the power of this effect in relationships.

A viral tweet that reads: "People say there are plenty o' fish in the sea. Yeah, well I got my eye on that one specific emotionally distant salmon with commitment issues," and a TikTok trend that sees people dancing to 'Twerkulator' under the caption: "Are they actually hot or are they just ignoring you?" epitomise the conflicting desire to be wanted in the face of feeling turned off by people who like us.

British philosopher Alain de Botton dismantles this paradox in his iconic New York Times essay, 'You're Probably Married To The Wrong Person', proposing, "We aren't on a quest to be happy; we're on a quest to suffer in ways that feel familiar."

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Nadia Bokody (@nadiabokody)

Grim as it sounds, Botton suggests if we didn't receive healthy love growing up, we'll be drawn to people who are unavailable as adults, and who ultimately reinforce a belief that, at our core, we're unlovable.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

And while it's tempting to think once the hurdles are removed, we'll be ready to surrender our hearts, in reality, the reverse is true.

In fact, a paper reviewing infidelity research by Zur Institute found most affairs never make it beyond the "falling in love" phase, let alone transition into long-term committed relationships. Sexual attraction to an off-limits lover is so intense precisely because it can't be fully realised, not in spite of it.

The real challenge is in allowing ourselves to get close to someone with whom there are no obstacles; to readily let love in.

And if that scenario sparks repulsion or sexual apathy in you?

Botton counters this best when he says, "Love can be hard to receive when we're not convinced of our own lovability."

Admittedly, being able to recognise your innate worth is easier said than done. Even more than a decade on from my married crush, I'm only just beginning to embrace my own.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

But while I'm still tempted to chase an elusive figure back down a well-worn path, these days I find myself far more excited to lace up and head down a less familiar track – with someone who runs toward me.

Save

    Share this article

Latest from Lifestyle

Premium
Lifestyle

The sleep trends experts think you should (and shouldn’t) try

12 May 06:00 AM
Premium
World

USA: 4000 miles, 6 small towns: a whistle-stop tour of America

12 May 02:06 AM
Premium
Royals

Can King Charles heal a royal family crisis before it’s too late?

12 May 01:35 AM

Sponsored: How much is too much?

sponsored
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

Latest from Lifestyle

Premium
The sleep trends experts think you should (and shouldn’t) try

The sleep trends experts think you should (and shouldn’t) try

12 May 06:00 AM

New York Times: Mouth tape, melatonin, “worry journals” - do they actually help?

Premium
USA: 4000 miles, 6 small towns: a whistle-stop tour of America

USA: 4000 miles, 6 small towns: a whistle-stop tour of America

12 May 02:06 AM
Premium
Can King Charles heal a royal family crisis before it’s too late?

Can King Charles heal a royal family crisis before it’s too late?

12 May 01:35 AM
Bindi Irwin rushed to hospital in emergency

Bindi Irwin rushed to hospital in emergency

11 May 10:20 PM
Sponsored: Cosy up to colour all year
sponsored

Sponsored: Cosy up to colour all year

NZ Herald
  • About NZ Herald
  • Meet the journalists
  • Newsletters
  • Classifieds
  • Help & support
  • Contact us
  • House rules
  • Privacy Policy
  • Terms of use
  • Competition terms & conditions
  • Our use of AI
Subscriber Services
  • NZ Herald e-editions
  • Daily puzzles & quizzes
  • Manage your digital subscription
  • Manage your print subscription
  • Subscribe to the NZ Herald newspaper
  • Subscribe to Herald Premium
  • Gift a subscription
  • Subscriber FAQs
  • Subscription terms & conditions
  • Promotions and subscriber benefits
NZME Network
  • The New Zealand Herald
  • The Northland Age
  • The Northern Advocate
  • Waikato Herald
  • Bay of Plenty Times
  • Rotorua Daily Post
  • Hawke's Bay Today
  • Whanganui Chronicle
  • Viva
  • NZ Listener
  • What the Actual
  • Newstalk ZB
  • BusinessDesk
  • OneRoof
  • Driven CarGuide
  • iHeart Radio
  • Restaurant Hub
NZME
  • About NZME
  • NZME careers
  • Advertise with NZME
  • Digital self-service advertising
  • Book your classified ad
  • Photo sales
  • NZME Events
  • © Copyright 2025 NZME Publishing Limited
TOP