I'm continually amazed by the ways people get off.
I've heard of reaching climax via thought alone, and of other types of orgasms.
I even met a woman who teaches other women to ejaculate (because women can do that too, FYI).
Just as complex and unique as each of us are, so too are the things that send our pupils rolling back in ecstasy. Which is why my personal stance has always been that, as long as the headboard shaking you're doing is safe and consensual, you should go for it (or, as my best friend always says, "You do you, boo").
It was with this idea in mind, I found myself throwing back a double shot of espresso before hitting full speed on my vibrator this week.
Let me explain …
TikTok legend has it that, if you down coffee directly before doing the deed, you can expect to enjoy an orgasm more robust than a bag of organic fair-trade Arabica. And, naturally, I had to see if the Gen Zers were onto something.
The caffeine orgasm trend first took off when user @cupofalexx_official posted a video to TikTok asserting a cup of Joe intensifies your orgasms by 50 per cent. It wasn't long before other TikTokers began making their own posts testing out the bold claim.
In one video, a woman skulls a triple-shot coffee to camera before retiring to her bedroom. The video promptly cuts to her face at a later point in time – now framed by dishevelled hair and beads of sweat.
"That was wild! I'm gonna do that forever now. Usually, one or two times … whatever. But this – like, 16 times. IT WAS WILD," she exclaims.
Though it's dubious a strong coffee is likely to result in multiple orgasms (let alone 16. I mean, SIXTEEN?! Really, sis? Good for you …) the theory behind the caffeine climax does have legs.
Caffeine is a vasodilator, which essentially means it causes blood vessels to dilate, subsequently allowing more blood to flow through them. It's for this reason people drink it to get going in the mornings, or directly before a workout.
We all know a person (or perhaps you're that person yourself) who quite literally cannot function until they've defrosted their soul with a hearty brew.
Unfortunately, there's no real research into whether that effect could extend to the genitalia. A 2018 study on rats did, however, suggest a correlation between caffeine intake and sex, with female rats who were administered caffeine engaging in more nookie.
Regardless, there's no human version of this to date, so I went to an actual expert to see if coffee could improve my sex life.
Melbourne-based gynaecologist Dr Joseph Sgroi told me it wasn't entirely out of the question, though he was quick to insist the benefit would likely be minor.
"Interestingly, the effect of caffeine on blood vessels varies. Blood vessels in the brain and lung tend to constrict, whilst those in the stomach tend to dilate. Add this to the effect on the brain as a stimulant, and you might get the sensation of improvements with your orgasms," Dr Sgroi explained.
"That said, caffeine is no substitute for appropriate foreplay and bonding with your partner. A healthy respect for one another will far surpass any benefit you might get from the barista."
Clearly Dr Sgroi has never met my barista. Still, the attractive woman who makes my coffee aside, I was intrigued enough to give it a go.
The result? It wasn't exactly the out-of-body experience TikTok promised, and I'm certainly not in the "16 times" ballpark (someone really should give that woman a MEDAL), but my Big Oh may have felt a little more intense than usual.
Or, perhaps it was more along the lines of the placebo effect Dr Sgroi hinted at?
If you're already reaching for the Moccona to see for yourself, just be wary: while there's no risk associated with drinking coffee before sex if you're in good health without a pre-existing heart condition or high blood pressure, over-consuming caffeine can lead to an array of unpleasant side-effects like heart palpitations, anxiety, insomnia and dehydration.
So, you know, go easy.
And if all else fails, you can always think of the barista.