ADVICE
Q: I feel like I've been coping okay with Covid up until now. But recently working from home it has felt really hard to stay focussed, and I can't be bothered seeing friends, or even going out at all. How can I get back on top of this?
A: "Coping" is a funny thing. It can often feel like we are coping, and then all of a sudden we aren't. Like we can no longer outrun the tidal wave.
It is hard, particularly at the moment, and even as I say that I notice I'm sick of saying it. Living in the middle of a pandemic continues to suck, and I am so over it.
But what I hear in your description of "coping" - or not - is a very common, well-intentioned but ultimately unhelpful idea about managing emotions.
Kindness, or if you prefer self-compassion, can be hard to define, and often it's easier to see its absence. This is the problem with the idea of "not coping".
It says we're getting something wrong, or "failing".
This criticism, or self-critique, can make things a lot worse if we let it, because once we tip into trying to motivate with criticism, that can build into a negative soundtrack in our head that drives our mood further down.
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Advertise with NZME.Turning this around can be especially hard if you're someone who tends to drive themselves pretty hard, and have high expectations for yourself - and given you've made it this far without struggling, I imagine this might all feel like new and unfamiliar territory.
It's important that we learn to ride the waves, and not get swamped by them. This can be an opportunity to make some adjustments, not just to what you do, but what you expect of yourself.
The first stop is always the basics: sleeping, eating, exercising and keeping up our emotional connections with people we care about.
Work on challenging the idea you're "not coping" and instead recognise that this is what coping with a very turbulent world looks like right now. And stay away from any ideas about fixing it, fixing yourself, or "getting over" how you feel.
Work on acceptance - this is how I feel, I might not like it but it's understandable.
If you're anxious, disconnect from the stream of bad news, and focus on the now. Get outside, get into nature and pay attention to where you are in the moment.
If you're feeling depressed, despairing or hopeless, get active. Not run a marathon active, but achieve something now active. Do something manageable that involves mental and/or physical effort, and make it something you can complete. This might be household chores, or it could be as small as just making your bed.
And don't criticise yourself for any of these things being "small". Small is good because it enables us to just focus on the present moment, doing what's in front of us and keeping our mind away from worry or despair.
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Advertise with NZME.Usually, with acceptance, we also embrace the idea that "this too shall pass" as a way of being open to feelings coming and going. And it's still true because all things do pass, but even I'm prepared to admit that it's a bit of a hard sell at the moment.
So instead we find a way to adjust to the much-lauded "new normal". Not because we must learn to "cope" but because we all need to learn to be flexible, and adjust.
Ultimately, it's our flexibility that will get us all through this.
