Magic words 'the tribe has spoken'

By GREG DIXON

What with George W's shock and awe reality series in Iraq, it's been a little difficult this past month giving half a hoot about those other American invaders, the crew of 16 moaners, chancers and backstabbers who invaded the Thai island of Koh Tarutao in mid-January.

Survivor: Thailand (7.30pm TV3), the fifth series of this never-ending cycle of tribal councils and immunity challenges, ends tonight with those moaners, chancers and backstabbers pared down to three: Clay, Jan and Brian.

Now far be it from me to reveal who walks away with the title of sole survivor, a 4WD and US$1 million ($1.82 million). Though each of them doesn't deserve the dosh as much as the others.

In any case, it's probably fair to say that anyone who gives more than half a hoot about this show has already scoped who the winner is on the internet.

But really the only reason for watching this show - and I freely admit there aren't many - isn't to find out who won, it's to find out who lost.

Hearing host Jeff Probst, an oily Cheshire Cat of a man, uttering those marvellous words "[insert name], the tribe has spoken" is what really makes Survivor worth a look.

This season's other highlights? Well, there have been a few.

Robb attempting to strangle Clay was fairly hilarious. So was good ol' boy Clay admiring various butts.

There was the early episode where that dreadful bitch Helen threatened to shoot Jan after the pair became lost. And crikey did I nearly wet myself when the various friends and spouses queued up to eat an assortment of bugs in order to spend a night with their loved one.

But the best episode featured the all-out screaming match between Ghandia, the Denver, Colorado, legal secretary and Ted, the software developer from Durham, North Carolina.

In an early interview, Ghandia told us how peachy it was having Ted there. Next thing you knew Ghandia and Ted are snuggling up together, and Ghandia is sliding her arm through his.

They showed us Ted's hand patting Ghandia's, while she put her head on his shoulder. Awww.

Cut to Ghandia screaming at anyone who would listen that he been "grinding" against her during the night in a rather unseemly fashion. Oh dear.

The tribal council, surely the Supreme Court of reality shows, decided she should leave the island after it became clear that she was a complete nutjob, while the boring Ted was too boring to let go.

Tonight, things become just about as ugly.

The final immunity challenge, I kid you not, involves the final three standing in torture chamber-like frames with coins between their fingers. The last one standing wins.

Then it's on to the final tribal council where a jury of those kicked off decides who of the last two should get the money.

The vanquished get one last shot at humiliating the near-victors by asking self-serving questions or hectoring them about past indiscretions, real or imagined.

You do get the impression that an even nastier, even more bitter and, in all likelihood, much more entertaining Survivor was happening off camera during the whole series. Oh well.

For those who can't get enough: look forward to next week's reunion show (same time, same Survivor channel) and - can you believe it? - Survivor Six set in the wilds of northern Brazil.