*Warning: Contains explicit content and repeated sexual references
I've done the math on my penis size and, according to condom company My Size, I am a "62".
This doesn't mean anything unless you've used one of the company's penis measuring tapes, which aim to help you find the perfect size condom for optimal sexual safety.
Men rarely disclose their penis size to others. We're all so concerned that we fall short amongst other dudes. This is part of the reason I've just admitted my own size: guys, it's okay to talk about your junk. We need to move on from the big penis culture that pervades Western sex lives.
The condoms in mention start at size 47 and go up to 69, the international average being a 58.
When I asked close female friends what size bra they wear, none of them had any shame in telling me. Big breasts aren't necessarily "good boobs", they added, and small breasts aren't "bad boobs". The general opinion seems to be that breast attractiveness is all about overall aesthetic appearance with your body; size itself has little to do with it.
This notion completely diverges from the way we males think about our penises, where size is king. Length and girth are a commodity, hence the popularisation of the unsolicited dick pic on dating apps.
What's interesting is that guys don't seem to take pride in having a good-looking penis (size of it irrelevant), nor – the most crucial part here – whether or not they know what to do with it.
Here's what I want all guys out there to know. Size really doesn't matter. This obsession with it is damaging to our psyches. We all need to get over it because there's nothing wrong with average.
In fact, from recent conversations with friends who sleep with men, average or only slightly above is preferred. Small can be a problem but there are ways around it, plus guys with smaller penises tend to tend to put a lot of effort in – and are thus really good lovers.
On the contrary, really big penises aren't all they're cracked up to be. Few know how to use them and a lot have lazy owners. Some even report that they take their pants off is met with "god, no, that's not happening". Needless to say, that doesn't do great things for the recipient's self-perception.
Yet if you're online and using any sort of dating apps or non-censored social media, you will notice a proliferation of large penises. Enough to make most men self-conscious.
What I can say to men out there who feel threatened by this – as I know all of a sudden it feels we have a generation of guys with enormous trouser snakes – is this: if you're putting a dick pic out there in 2018, it's probably all you have to offer. It's your only selling point.
What we see online is skewed towards the upper end of the scale. Well-endowed guys take photos of what they have, while those with small or average penises tend to focus on other parts of their bodies, or the quality of their chat, or their personalities (which are normally better). What you see online isn't proportionally representative – it's a small majority of guys who have decided their large penis is the best thing about them; the only point of their appeal.
Wouldn't you hate to be with somebody romantically/sexually who was only interested in what's in your pants? I would. The fact that someone was so shallow and one-dimensional means they're not worth paying any attention to in the first place.
Guys, penis size isn't a big deal. They all do the same thing. Do your best to make sure it's clean, groomed, and presentable. Then walk around with confidence no matter the size of what's hanging between your legs. It's the only one you'll ever have and you're stuck with it.