Saturday, 09 December 2023
KaitaiaWhangareiDargavilleAucklandThamesTaurangaHamiltonWhakataneRotoruaTokoroaTe KuitiTaumarunuiTaupoGisborneNew PlymouthNapierHastingsDannevirkeWhanganuiPalmerston NorthLevinParaparaumuMastertonWellingtonMotuekaNelsonBlenheimWestportReeftonKaikouraGreymouthHokitikaChristchurchAshburtonTimaruWanakaOamaruQueenstownDunedinGoreInvercargill
NZ HeraldThe Northern AdvocateThe Northland AgeThe AucklanderWaikato HeraldBay Of Plenty TimesRotorua Daily PostHawke's Bay TodayWhanganui ChronicleThe Stratford PressManawatu GuardianKapiti NewsHorowhenua ChronicleTe Awamutu CourierVivaEat WellOneRoofDRIVEN Car GuideThe CountryPhoto SalesiHeart RadioRestaurant Hub
Voyager 2023 media awards
Subscribe
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Home / Lifestyle

Kyle MacDonald: What does it really mean to 'let something go'?

Kyle MacDonald
By
Kyle MacDonald
15 Sep, 2016 04:00 AM3 mins to read
Saveshare

Share this article

facebookcopy linktwitterlinkedinredditemail
Love and attachment by their very nature create holding on, the behaviour of love is to not let go, to seek out, to be with. Image / NZ Herald

Love and attachment by their very nature create holding on, the behaviour of love is to not let go, to seek out, to be with. Image / NZ Herald

"What does it really mean to 'let something go'?" via Twitter

Few things define being human more than our ability to love, and form lasting relationships. Yet when loss strikes, it can feel impossible to let go.

Saturday September 10 marked World Suicide Prevention Day and with it came the very painful stories of loss endured those left behind by suicide.

"Letting something go" is the idea that when we're hurt, or in grief, we should just be able to move on. It's also true that people often feel stuck and unable to stop hurting about loss or past hurts and injustices.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

Being told to "let it go" never helps, yet we're told that letting things go and moving on is what we "should do". But how do you let go, and how is it possible to let go of the pain that the avoidable loss of a loved one causes?

The attachment system is arguably the most powerful motivator of human behaviour we possess. Quite apart from all the research on attachment, you only have to look at how many songs have been written about love to see its importance.

Love and attachment by their very nature create holding on. The behaviour of love is to not let go, to seek out, to be with. And any parent who has ever lost, even momentarily, their toddler in a mall can tell you about how quickly and powerfully attachment motivates behaviour.

Letting go then involves dissolving our attachment, to ideas, things, arguments or, most painfully, loved ones.

Many have heard of the idea that there are stages to grief, five to be precise: denial, anger; bargaining; depression; acceptance. I've never particularly liked the idea, it may be useful in research, but it suggests that grief is linear, predictable.

It also says that grief comes to a clear and definable end.

Related articles

Lifestyle

What's so great about mindfulness?

24 Dec 06:00 PM
Lifestyle

Kyle MacDonald: How to identify signs of depression

10 Mar 03:00 AM
Lifestyle

How to help someone with depression

26 Dec 06:00 PM
Lifestyle

How to show more empathy to your partner

14 Apr 03:10 AM

When we grieve, we adjust and adjusting causes pain. It requires our mind to become used to a new reality that we don't want to accept. Although it is true that at various times people in the process of grief can be in denial, feel anger, and sadness they don't arrive in a ordered set of stages. Sometimes they happen all at the same time.

It's also true that if we don't, or can't, allow ourselves to feel the pain, we don't adjust, and in doing so we can get stuck. Grief takes time, and letting go is a process, but over time the pain dulls and the length of time between the sharp biting pain of loss gets longer.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

But do we ever let go? I don't know about that.

Ultimately, at least when it comes to grief, we learn to live with the absence. We maintain a relationship with the person that has gone. We might not let go, but we keep going, the best we can.

And although it gets easier I'm not sure some grief ever ends, nor is it meant to.

Where to get help:

• Lifeline: 0800 543 354 (available 24/7)
• Suicide Crisis Helpline: 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO) (available 24/7)
• Youthline: 0800 376 633
• Kidsline: 0800 543 754 (available 24/7)
• Whatsup: 0800 942 8787 (1pm to 11pm)
• Depression helpline: 0800 111 757 (available 24/7)
• Rainbow Youth: (09) 376 4155
• Samaritans 0800 726 666
• If it is an emergency and you feel like you or someone else is at risk, call 111.

Follow Kyle on Facebook and check out his website here.
Saveshare

Share this article

facebookcopy linktwitterlinkedinredditemail
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

Latest from Lifestyle

Premium
Lifestyle

What’s on the menu? Eating from your garden at Christmas time

08 Dec 07:00 PM
Premium
Lifestyle

'Why do you have to be so useless?': How Christmas changes when kids become teens

08 Dec 07:00 PM
Lifestyle

'Feels like home': The beauty queen who rebuilt her life after a tragedy

08 Dec 05:00 PM
Premium
Lifestyle

Whalebones, bikinis and a throne: New Zealand design history in 110 chairs

08 Dec 04:00 PM

If you’re doing any of these, no wonder you’re not sleeping well

sponsored
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

Latest from Lifestyle

Premium
What’s on the menu? Eating from your garden at Christmas time

What’s on the menu? Eating from your garden at Christmas time

08 Dec 07:00 PM

Grow and enjoy your own Christmas veges, even in Aotearoa's unpredictable weather.

Premium
'Why do you have to be so useless?': How Christmas changes when kids become teens

'Why do you have to be so useless?': How Christmas changes when kids become teens

08 Dec 07:00 PM
'Feels like home': The beauty queen who rebuilt her life after a tragedy

'Feels like home': The beauty queen who rebuilt her life after a tragedy

08 Dec 05:00 PM
Premium
Whalebones, bikinis and a throne: New Zealand design history in 110 chairs

Whalebones, bikinis and a throne: New Zealand design history in 110 chairs

08 Dec 04:00 PM
A different kind of board meeting
sponsored

A different kind of board meeting

About NZMEHelp & SupportContact UsSubscribe to NZ HeraldHouse Rules
Manage Your Print SubscriptionNZ Herald E-EditionAdvertise with NZMEBook Your AdPrivacy Policy
Terms of UseCompetition Terms & ConditionsSubscriptions Terms & Conditions
© Copyright 2023 NZME Publishing Limited
TOP