Kyle MacDonald: My teen is unmotivated and says I expect too much from them

Be open to hearing your teenager's thoughts, and experiences - and why they are doing what they’re doing. Photo / Getty Images

QI’ve really struggled with my 16-year-old these summer holidays. They haven’t wanted to do anything, and it’s frustrated me. They seem happy enough, and are eating and engaging with us, but all they want to do is lie around and be online. They keep telling me I have “unrealistic expectations” and they just need a break. What should I do to get them motivated? Are they right - is it me?

A I’ve just been lucky enough to have four weeks off and, frankly, I spent a good portion of it doing as close to nothing as I could.

I did try to follow my own advice from one of my columns prior to the Christmas break and balance the need for rest with rejuvenation.

For me that means spending time with my kids, swimming, and doing some jobs around the house.

I’m not sure I always got this right, some days I tackled too much, others I felt listless or flat after not moving enough physically.

Sounds like your teen is trying to figure out the same thing. And while I can certainly understand your frustration, it’s great you’re also questioning yourself about your responses and your expectations.

It’s important to get clear about whose problem it is.

It’s also important to get clear about what the problem is.

You’ve described they seem happy enough and are interacting with you. As you imply, on face value they certainly don’t sound depressed.

It might be useful to back off on the change focus and understand more deeply what they are doing. Ask how they are spending their time, and what they’re interested in right now.

It may also be worth asking why they’re so tired and need so much rest.

Be open to hearing their thoughts, and experiences - and why they are doing what they’re doing. As our kids grow slowly more independent, it’s important to engage more, and boss less.

Of course, there are still going to be boundaries and rules with someone who is 16 years old, but giving them more autonomy about how they spend time over the break may be a good idea.

On the other hand, talking about what ways they can get active, and the importance of rejuvenation, versus rest, my help get them on-board with some things they can do.

Even if it’s just requiring them to help out around home a bit more.

Your own expectations may or may not be right, but they are yours. And generally speaking, avoiding head-to-head confrontations with a 16-year-old is a good idea, unless it’s really worth fighting about.

So, try it their way, keep talking about it and give them the experience of really hearing their desire for rest. And work on letting go of your own expectation that they be different and accept how they are right now.

You’re also giving the experience of a little more autonomy, and genuinely hearing their needs.

Sometimes when we back off the fight and give people space, they even surprise us. No one likes to be told what to do and coming to our own conclusions about what we need to do is always going to work better.

Hopefully they’re recharged for the year ahead. Hopefully, we all are.