Q: I’ve been told I’m co-dependent on my partner, but he’s not abusive, or even much of a drinker. But a couple of my friends have told me I’m too dependent on him, and need to be more assertive. How do I know if I am co-dependent?
A: Well the first thing to ask yourself is how much you trust your friends' advice, and perspective. I have no doubt it is well-intentioned, but as they say "the road to hell is paved with good intentions". Always worth checking with yourself that their advice isn't coming from a place of their own views about relationships and dependence.
It is one of those core aspects of relationships that we all tend to have slightly different needs, and comfort levels - and that's okay.
The most straightforward definition is that your happiness, or sense of being okay, is reliant on them being okay. This can cause problems in terms of keeping boundaries clear, as if we're overly focused on the well-being of another person it tends to lead to us naturally neglecting our own well-being - in short, we put them first.
Now at this point you might be thinking, what's wrong with that? And fair enough because to some extent we all do that in relationships. It's called caring, generally.
