Jill Goldson: The one thing that could transform your relationship

Try mediation in a low point of your relationship - agreements can be negotiated without giving in. Photo / Thinkstock

When the going gets tough with our partner, one may want to try counseling. But quite possibly our significant other will shrink away from anything that could be seen as therapy, creating another disagreement.

What happens when you know you love your partner but circumstances seem to be conspiring against you? All that dredging up from the past, all those insults that make you feel as small as an ant, but which cause you to roar like a lion with the terrible unfairness of it all. And now you are being asked to lay it all bare under a psychological microscope, wielded by a stranger who might just take sides, who might not see your point of view and who might gang up and blame you.

Top reasons people avoid counseling

• Don't want to be blamed for everything that is wrong
• Believe couples should be able to sort out their own problems
• Don't think it's so bad - "so it must be you who needs help"
• Costs too much - and it's not going to do any good anyway

So the idea of fronting up to counseling - and feeling exposed and vulnerable - can be about as attractive as pulling teeth. And when things are rugged, there is often a feeling of being misrepresented by the person we are supposed to be closest to. That very person who is supposed to have our back is not only misreading us but they also suddenly want us to come and talk about it all - to lay it all bare and to be put under the spotlight.

Another approach for getting to yes

If the idea of "getting help" has you or your partner wanting to run for the hills - with ringing accusations being shouted out behind you about how you don't care, and how you lack courage and so on - then here is a process which could - and often does - transform relationships. Therapeutic mediation. A counselor who understands mediation, a mediator who understands therapy.

Mediation is a process of Getting to Yes - as the aptly titled book by American authors, Fisher and Ury explain. Agreements can be negotiated without giving in. Think about it, you are already a negotiator. Just today you have probably negotiated a raft of issues from the mechanic's quote to what you are prepared to cover in a work presentation, to getting your child off Minecraft and into bed.

Our natural ability to negotiate has always made the world go around. Negotiation is a basic means of getting what you want from others and giving to them, back and forth. Finding a balance. Giving up something to get something. And when that 'something' is a return to loving stability with your partner, then the process of seeking a win:win outcome makes a lot of sense. And the good news is that professional mediation results in at least 85 per cent of agreements, according to reports from the American Arbitration Association.

Why does it work?

Conflict with a loved one hurts because it matters and both the person who wants to go to counseling and the person who does not, are trying to find a way to make the problems go away. A good mediator understands this. All the work will focus on just this central shared interest - how to make the problems leave.

Good mediation will not focus on positions, nor concentrate on feelings - and it is never about taking sides - it's about finding the common ground and moving from black and white to the middle zone of grey. The stuff of democracy. The stuff of evolution.

Most of us have reached a tipping point by the time we arrive at the first appointment. Looking for peace, and tired of conflict, mediation can be the tool that lets you be heard by your partner and which has you listening - both feats are miraculously suddenly manageable after all.

The contagious moment of movement out of impasse is the sweet spot - the reward for seeing the other person's point of view and having them see yours.

And this brief process of mediation will guide you both to developing your own written agreement. There is no greater investment in a contract than being one of the two architects. Whether it is a business contract or a love contract, a brief written agreement of the way forward makes the world feel a whole lot fairer, reminding you how to sort it next time the problems arise.

It is too difficult to be sentries at the post, guarding our own interests, when our heart's desire is to be swimming in a warm bath of attachment and love.

So next time you feel you can't bear the same arguments that just keep happening and getting in the way of your love, have a look at practitioners who use a mediation process. A process that is not therapy per se, but a dispute resolution with a therapeutic outcome. You and your partner might well be very happy that you did.