KEY POINTS:
I promised in last week's column that today I would be giving you a much-awaited update on the on-going Big Foot investigation, but sadly that won't be happening as the editor said I am allowed to.
He actually went as far as to say that I'm not even
allowed to use the words "big" and "foot" in the same paragraph.
You can imagine what kind of limitations that would put on any writer.
His actual words were: "Look you stupid p***, no one gives a damn about Big Foot any more, so drop it and write about something relevant. You are one of the highest-paid people at this paper for a reason. So recapture some of your old genius or I will have no choice but to put you on to the sports pages."
I thought that was a little harsh, and to be frank a little demeaning, to the award-winning journalists in the sports department, many of whom I know personally and occasionally drink with.
So, in a nutshell if you want to learn more about that mysterious anthropoid with curiously large feet, you will have to do as I did, - go online, pay your $600 membership fee to the BF club, and receive your daily updates that way.
Incidentally, you will need Flash or QuickTime software to view some of the amazing footage they have on offer and, if you're worried that your boss, wife or partner may think you are a time-wasting loser, you can do as I did and download some "disguising software" that makes it look like you've been downloading nothing more than harmless porn.
This is also a good trick for those people who are not actually interested in the anthropoid with large feet but are interested in downloading porn, as they can claim that it was the mysterious hairy hominid they were watching, not the porn itself, which conveniently came courtesy of the "disguising software".
This is relatively foolproof, providing the downloaded pornographic material doesn't feature a hairy hominid, as many German clips can.
But I digress, a rather impressive digression, you would have to say, but even a digression as impressive as this doesn't change the fact I am going to have to come up with a fresh topic to flesh out this column at some point.
Swinging is at an all-time high according to the latest Nielsen research, and the increase in the numbers of people swinging in Mt Roskill alone is matching fuel prices and interest rates.
Researchers believe that if the statistical trends continue, three in every five people will be involved in a "swinging scenario" before the start of the next financial year, and the fact that we are in an election year seems to be having very little bearing on people's laissez-faire attitude towards sex.
Former sexual deviant and kids' show puppeteer Clive Wilson believes that television programmes such as Sex and the City and Dancing with the Stars are a contributing factor in people's behaviour.
He says: "People see these celebrities, many of whom are apparently in monogamous relationships, dirty dancing with strangers, so they think it is okay to do the same, the only difference being no money goes to charity."
Suburban noise control officers have reported a substantial increase in car alarms going off at all hours as a result of people having the wrong car keys after sleazy key parties, and a number of new clubs have been set up to cater to the city's swinging needs.
While researching this column I stumbled across one called Pop Goes the Weasel and was amazed at how many of the country's A-list celebrities are regulars.
It was incredible how many well known female celebrities I could have made love to had I not been kicked out for not providing a partner.
Flying solo at these kinds of clubs is frowned on and likened to showing up to a barbecue empty-handed, drinking 24 beers and wolfing a heap of cheese sizzlers.
The fact that I had done exactly that just before going to the club didn't help much either as these "swinging clubs" attempt to cater to a more discerning clientele.
So who was there? I am not going to name names. But it would be fair to say that I find it hard to take New Zealand television and women's magazines seriously any more.
Many of these celebrities have phoned me and asked for name suppression but that will be lifted next Sunday.
In that column, in a desperate bid to get ratings, I will name 20 of the country's top celebrities caught in the swinging ring, starting with the five who attended my seafood chowder spa pool party.
