Powerpoint: One person's poison . . .

By EWAN NcDONALD

Buy any of our film critics a beer (apart from the one who drinks only chardonnay, of course) and they'll each tell you a story of the time they wrote something like, "The acting in this movie is so bad it's breathtaking," then picked up the Herald on Saturday morning to read in the movie adverts, "Breathtaking — Harold Sprocket, Herald."

By now you will also have read how one of the Hollywood studios (it may have been more, but only one has been sprung) decided to eliminate the middle men (and the free tickets, and the T-shirts, and the key rings, and probably some chardonnay) and invent its own critic to write glowing reviews.

Well, here's the sequel: four people and a group called Citizens for Truth in Movie Advertising have filed a case in (oh, you guessed) California.

If the popcorn Nazis win, the studios might have to compensate every Californian cinema-goer disappointed by a film they saw after deciding to go to the local multiplex on the basis of "critical endorsements" used in advertising for it.

Their lawyer said his clients were sick of being attracted by glowing reviews which proved false. "They were just sick and tired of looking at movie ads that say Battlefield Earth was the greatest movie since Star Wars, then go and find it is absolutely atrocious," he said.

At this point I have to admit that philosophically I was with this guy until he called Battlefield Earth to the stand. Any studio on this or any other planet could overturn this case simply by suggesting to the judge that anyone who was dumb enough to pay $9 (or $7 on a Tuesday) after looking at the credits, not the hype, was a space cadet. Case goes to credibility, Your Honour. Motion denied.

Fact is, the critics have never agreed on any single movie since the Mayers called, "Lights, camera, action." We have a book in the entertainment section library (and you thought we couldn't read) called The Critics' Film Guide which gives opinions on about one zillion movies.

Example 1: Read those lists that were floating around 18 months ago and it's generally agreed that the greatest movie of the just-past century was Orson Welles' Citizen Kane. If you picked up the Hollywood Spectator on the morning after it came out, Welford Beaton would have told you that he was "more bored than entertained."

As for the director-star, John Kane let you know that: "There is nothing about the work of Orson Welles to convince you that he has ever felt humility or love, except in front of a mirror."

On the same morning C.A. Lejeune would have advised you that the same piece of celluloid was "probably the most exciting film that has come out of Hollywood for 25 years. I am not at all sure that it isn't the most exciting film that ever came out of anywhere."

Example 2: Star Wars, which I happen to think is a pretty damn good movie and some of the younger members of my family regard as Holy Writ. The Hollywood Reporter thought "it will undoubtedly emerge as one of the true classics in the genre of science fiction/fantasy films. In any event, it will be thrilling audiences of all ages for a long time to come."

Yep, 24 years later we're hanging out for episode five and then there are four more to come.

But if you'd read John Simon's review, would you have bothered to go to the Regent or the Majestic? "O dull new world ... it is all as exciting as last year's weather reports ... it is all trite characters and paltry verbiage, handled adequately by Harrison Ford, uninspiredly by Mark Hamill, and wretchedly by Carrie Fisher, who is not even appealing as Princess Leia ..."

Critics. Doesn't matter if they're writing about restaurants or records or movies or art, you read them, you decide on their credibility, then you go to the movie and make up your own mind.

As I said in our video reviews the other day, a lot of people trashed a certain movie but I liked it and I give out the stars in that column.

You don't have to agree with me, or Russell, or whoever. We go to movies or watch videos because we like them and because we're not afraid to make a call and put our name to our opinion. Just don't blame us for the ads — and don't sue us if you don't agree.